I don’t even know where to begin with this post. My heart is breaking.
First, for those that don’t know, I have had some type of insomnia since I was about 15. Well I finally learned what it is called. It is a circadian rhythm thing called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. You can read about it here.
It makes SO much sense why I could never find a treatment for my irregular sleep patterns. And OH, by the way. it just happens to mention Traumatic Brain Injury as a cause. Hmmmm. That would explain a lot. Everything always comes back to the Brain Injury. When your sleep cycle begins at 3am and goes until 12pm, that really doesn’t work in the real world. And it has taken its toll on my marriage and relationship with my girls. People thought I was super lazy and undisciplined, and I’m sure many still think that. Especially people in my own home. But this is a light shedding moment. Can it be fixed? I have no idea. There are very few things that work. But I’ll try them all. I always do.
I wish I could have “that life’. The one that doesn’t involve ANY of my blog posts. I wish I had nothing to write to you. But that is not what God has given me. I keep having to break through brick wall after brick wall. And I don’t know why. I’m tired. Literally and emotionally. How can I not be? I hate the fact that I don’t live up to someones ideal, even though that is silly. No one lives up to an ideal. But I don’t even come close. What does that mean for me now that I understand why I do what I do?
I thought I was doing so well. My business is taking off like a rocket ship, and the ride has been AMAZING! I love enriching other women’s lives. Like really LOVE IT! It is what gets me through the day. But I don’t love to cook, and I have a hard time focusing (FYI, Facebook and Instagram are an ADD’s PARADISE!) The small things I can’t do. My focus is so fractured.
New Beginnings? Probably. I guess sometimes you wear a person down so much they just can’t find it in themselves to let go and move on. To forgive. And then to look for solutions. Things are going to be painful for a long time. I have no idea what the future holds. But I know I am going to need prayers for strength. Because it is beginning all over again. And I’m not sure that I can do it this time. Anyway. Sorry for the this post. My life changed in an instant this morning. The hammer dropped and I don’t know what to do.
Eye Opening Honesty 