My Conflict Averse Self – Part 1

**Stay Tuned, There is a Part 2 to this post**

I see an amazing mindfulness therapist each week and the breakthroughs we make together are astounding. They never come in the hour I spend with her, it is the 6 days in between appointments when I am able to process the information that we discuss. Being engaged in therapy is difficult and exhausting. But I personally believe that therapy is for everyone. Find someone great who enhances and challenges your ideas on life and I promise it will give you an advantage in how you see yourself and how you exist in the world.

That being said, at my visit yesterday we got into a very interesting discussion about different personality types and their response to conflicts and challenges. I have what is called a “conflict-averse” personality. I will give up my best interests and happiness to avoid anything uncomfortable. Believe me, I have every excuse in the book memorized and ready to be recited at the slightest sign of conflict. Problem is that conflict is unavoidable. Conflict is central to our human experience. It can range from simple to complex. It can be short lived or last a lifetime. I’m a person that would encourage you to “pick your battles”, but I will never find a personal reason to go to war. My war rages inside. 

Fun fact: Avoiding conflict creates more conflict. 

Dealing with conflict is a learned skill. A universal truth about conflict is that it is uncomfortable. It is absolutely necessary to make peace with this fact. It is important we acknowledge that you will never be in your comfort zone while dealing with particular conflicts. actually help brace yourself against the tension that results when you deal with it. Conflict is messy, but we have to learn to love the messiness of it.

“Avoiding conflict is an inner struggle – should I deal with this now or later? – and one that can cause a lot of anxiety. It’s better to accept that conflict will happen and that sooner or later, you’ll need to face it. Don’t rush into it, but don’t put it off, either: consider carefully the type of conflict and how best to manage it. The sooner and more skilfully you can handle the conflict, the less anxiety you’ll have over it.”

Inner Conflict vs External Conflict

I am an introvert. That does not mean I don’t love being surrounded by people. I do. It just means that afterward I feel drained. An extrovert on the other hand feels energized by their interactions. They don’t mind large groups because it is where they thrive.

Part of what drives me to avoid conflict is my personal experiences with specific challenges in my life. I hate conflict so much that after going through one I feel like I’ve run a marathon. I just hurt so easily, there’s no emotional skin. I try insanely hard to understand what motivates people what makes people choose chaos.  

I do what I wish people would consider doing for me. I stop, think, and try to gain perspective. I dig deep inside and put myself in their shoes. Understanding the chaos and where it comes from is extremely important to me. 

So what is a person like myself to do with these things happening around me that are unavoidable?

There are a few great questions we can ask ourself when we notice an inner storm brewing:

1. What is the absolute worst that can happen?
2. What are my true fears vs the irrational fears I might have?
3. Realizing we cannot own other people’s feelings or reactions. All we can do is try and be considerate and kind. Their feelings are their own and not your responsibility.
4. Acknowledge and appreciate your efforts in trying successfully or unsuccessfully to resolve a conflict. Then then let it go.

Here are some great tips I found in an article in Psychology Today about embracing conflicts at the workplace. I love the tips but I’m going to spin them to relate in a more personal way.

1. Express your contrary opinion as an “and.” It’s not necessary for someone else to be wrong for you to be right. “I hear that you think we need to leave room in the budget for a customer event AND I’m concerned that we need that money for employee training. What are our options?
2. Use hypotheticals. If you don’t feel comfortable being assertive, try asking your friends or family to imagine a different scenario. In my experience, I am TOO hypothetical. If I am going to use this skill I need to dial back my imagination and approach it with more simplicity.
3. Talk about the impact of actions. Rather than disagreeing with the plan, help people think through the consequences by asking good open-ended questions about the impact. Ask about the underlying issue. If you disagree with a proposed action, start with discussion by trying to understand.

All these rational ideas of dealing with challenges and conflict are fine and dandy but they are not the reason I sat down to write this post. It was to talk about what I do best. When I start using my unique perspective to cut through the crap and see how I can change our collective present and future.

 

Some thoughts:

Yes, we absolutely need to prepare ourselves for inevitable challenges and conflict in life because it is where we are able to grow the most. Acceptance is important

I’ve decided that this will be my morning mantra. One of the greatest things I have learned when using affirmations to guide you in this world is to make sure you are grounded. That means planting your feet firmly on whatever ground you are standing on. You need to imagine your feet extend like roots of a tree as far as they can go. Be present.

The challenges I face today are made just for me. There is no one in this world who is better equipped to handle anything that comes my way. I was trained for this. I am battle ready with tools I do not have to fight this on my own. I have my faith in a higher power and a universe that is standing ready to help me become a conquerer. I will not feel defeat. I will feel growth.

The war is inside myself.

Through the fire we understand Resistance creates rewards of discipline.

You will never appreciate relaxation unless you have worked hard. One of the worst decisions you can make is to be comfortable.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor’s cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out –

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

xoxo, Kristin

Music moves me. It inspires me. It is necessary for me to live. When I pull out my MacBook and sit down to write, immediately the headphones go in and the music goes on. Starting now, the end of all my blog posts will have one song I feature that I helped me work up the courage to push Publish. Gotta say, I can’t get enough of Alessia Cara right now.  Her voice is haunting and I’m drawn to it. LOVE HER!!

Additional Blogging Playlist

Alessi Cara – Here

Would You Follow You – Motivation

The Light at the End of the Tunnel – Motivation

Breaking Point

“Show me somebody who’s gone through divorce without feeling deep aching loneliness and I’ll show you somebody who never felt love.”

May 2015

I have dreaded writing this. I think because I feel like it invalidates so many of my blog posts. It feels like failure. I am tired of this cycle. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. The pain is so tangible I can almost reach out and touch it. I can’t breathe. I feel paralyzed by fear and loneliness.

I have to stop the pain. Numb it, destroy it.

In April of 2015 I reached a very difficult breaking point. It was ugly. In order to save my life, I picked up and moved with my 3 and 4 year old girls to Utah. It was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made, but I needed to be surrounded by family. My oldest daughter wanted to finish school in Arizona before she joined us. I left her with Seth for 6 very long weeks. Honestly, I was losing my mind being by myself in Arizona. I was in crisis and not having family around when so many traumatic things were taking place was not healthy. My 3am panicked phone calls to my parents had to stop. I had to find a way out. 

When I got to Utah it was like I could finally breathe again. In Arizona it was just me, Seth and the girls. We were in a never ending cycle of crazy, living in a tiny fishbowl. He and I aren’t great at communication, never have been. We struggle with our differences.

But I had to face reality.

Could I fight for my girls? Was I strong enough to finally let go of my marriage? I fought so hard to make it work. I fought hard to “fix” and make up for my shortcomings. I’ve always felt like the challenges that I faced in my life are destroyers. They destroy dreams. They destroy relationships. And then finally, they destroy people. Because they are a burden it means I am a burden. The challenges are difficult so I am difficult. The shame and responsibility I feel for these failures never ends.

It was time to break down all the ways I had convinced myself I was horrible. To regain my self-worth.

You are not a good mother.

You are a terrible wife.

You are a failure.

Come on, look at everybody else who has it together. Why don’t you? 

Lies.

Goodness. Life is messy. It is not cookie-cutter and Pinterest boards.

Trying is not failing and forgiveness is incredibly powerful. I needed to find a way to be a good mother my way and finally forgive myself. Let my past be exactly that. The past.

I began to do my research on Arizona child custody laws. Getting advice from attorneys and I started taking the proper steps to make that happen. This was a really big moment for me. I started participating in my life again. I had to let my work go. I needed time to organize all of my thoughts and to put my girls first. I tried really hard.

But the loneliness kept creeping in. Enveloping me at night. How long can I stay in bed before someone notices I haven’t showered in 5 days? Please don’t see me. Please let me be invisible for just another day. Maybe things will be better tomorrow. Maybe …

Losing Body Parts

I covered in the last post the part about feeling really off balance lately. And I know it is the lovely thing in my life called my necessary, but awful radical Hysterectomy. Any time a surgeon takes a scalpel to your body and removes necessary organs it can’t be a good thing. I was fortunate though to have a robot perform my hysterectomy, so I guess I can blame “it” for my troubles. It is called a da Vinci Procedure where the surgeon operates the robot who does all the cutting and laser-ing . Check out these pictures … kinda crazy right?

It is the latest and greatest in technology and if you absolutely MUST have a hysterectomy, the da Vinci is the way to go! Recovery time was less than 10 days compared to up to six weeks for a normal procedure. I had my surgery right before Christmas and so being able to be out of bed and with my family was a huge blessing.

Want to know an absolute miracle? The doctor who I had been seeing for 3 years is one of 5 surgeons in the entire state of Arizona that is certified to perform this procedure. Coincidence? You know I don’t believe in those.

But I have learned some awesomely awful things since the hysterectomy in trying to resolve some of my side effects. Like this: Doctors only replace 3 hormones, estrogen, progesterone, testosterone after a hysterectomy, but your body actually makes 13 different hormones in your reproductive system. Now THAT is a problem!

Weight Gain. I reached out to my fellow hystersisters to try and figure out what in the world was happening to my body in the months after the surgery only to discover that 90% of women who have a hysterectomy have unexplained weight gain. And I’m not talking 10 pounds here. The stories are sad. I read 3 stories just last night from women who are exercise instructors and they can’t stop the weight gain and it is destroying their careers and their self-esteem. I have gained about 20 pounds since my hysterectomy and it is something I struggle with every day. I am so incredibly thankful that I am not in constant pain anymore but it is an unfortunate reality that it has been a trade off.

But it is a New Year. Time for a new direction. I have to figure out a New way to deal with it because it is reality. Nothing sugar coated here.

But now you need to see the positive side of the hysterectomy. The part that saved my marriage. I mentioned before that I never thought I would have kids because the doctors specifically told me to never have children. But I am blessed with 3 beautiful, talented, amazing girls. I also talked about the toll getting pregnant, and the aftermath has on my body and mind. The IV pole story, and of course the severe long lasting postpartum depression. Seth put up with it like a hero for the most part. He was more patient than anyone could have expected. So were my parents. But it was ugly. I felt distant from the new little miracle in my life. It was painful and I felt like a complete failure.

Before the hysterectomy there was always the possibility that an unplanned pregnancy might occur. And it was a scary thought for both Seth and I. But the idea of a hysterectomy never came to mind until the unexplainable pain began. When they actually removed my uterus (by cutting it into a million pieces) they determined that it was quite normal. And there was really no explanation for the pain other than it was slightly tilted. But I have never had one regret about the surgery. I lifted a burden that I didn’t know I was carrying. The heaviness was gone. I feel my family is complete for now and I feel at peace. Seth agrees. Weird as it may seem I don’t think we could have reconciled the way we did if having more kids was on the table. It removed a huge barrier in front of us and I am extremely grateful. My Heavenly Father knows exactly what he is doing. And I am smart and resourceful enough to find a way to balance my body and lose the weight. I believe that anything is possible with enough faith, followed by action.

The next blog post you get to read a crazy story about my Warrior Spirit. It was one I wrote after an intense dream I had and I’m excited to share. It was profound for me and hopefully it will be for you as well.

****And by the way that picture of my girls sums up their personalities EXACTLY! They are amazing and imperfect like all of us in the most beautiful way possible!

The Fire

I have been feeling the need to write a new blog post for quite some time. I have one that I have been working on since September called “Seeing Around the Bend”. I don’t know why it is taking me so long to find the words I need to finish it, but I don’t feel I can publish it until I do. I’m hoping the perspective that I receive as we move into the holiday season will help provide me the correct perspective I need.

So I am going to write about other things for now. I have noticed a big trend lately and I’m not sure if you have as well. I have been on Facebook for 6 years, and in the past year, my Newsfeed has shifted. Yes, my friends have changed over the years, but this is something new. Not a day goes by that I don’t see it. Cancer. Kids, Moms, Dads. We all know someone suffering through it. But I have noticed that I see so much more. And it is becoming very personal. Is it just me?

Cancer is hitting home right now. The world is losing a beautiful and vibrant person. The saying “she lights up a room” was meant for her. Friend, I will be wearing my favorite Steve Madden shoes in honor of you this week and I can promise every time I put them on I will remember. You have been refined, put through the ultimate fire. You fought valiantly and you leave behind a bright legacy that your children will carry on. You did not “lose” your battle to cancer. You survived. You fought. And you let your light shine to every person that you came in contact with no matter how sick you were. I am so grateful that you will find peace in the Savior’s embrace. That you will finally be free of the incredible pain you have been suffering.

“Here then is a great truth. In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong. In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul. It is part of the purging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God. In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine Shepherd.

Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process.

The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless.

When we pluck the roses, we find we often cannot avoid the thorns which spring from the same stem. Out of the refiner’s fire can come a glorious deliverance. It can be a noble and lasting rebirth. The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted.” -James E. Faust

To my readers, Don’t give up. I know you can make it. Keep fighting. And the day you feel you can’t fight anymore, the day that you are pushed to your knees, please let your Savior take your sorrow and pain for you. He is well aquatinted with your grief. He knows you personally. And His love for you is greater than you can ever imagine. Throughout my trials I have experienced how great His love for me truly is. He has held me close. He has wiped away my tears and made me whole.

We are all being refined. Even if you don’t recognize it daily, it is there. You are being molded. Prepared to meet God. I know very personally that without my immense struggles, I would have never known such peace. Such relief and joy. Such power to know that I can conquer any challenge as long as my Savior is by my side. I am forever thankful for the compassion it has given me. I have been given the great blessing to be able to help others see that it is possible to survive the impossible. I’m not sure how I am able to stand today. Falling from a balcony. Being run over by a car. I should be dead 10 times over. But here I stand. Until the day I leave this earth, God will continue to refine me. But I know that I am not doing it alone. You do not have to do it alone either.

Great things are happening in my life right now. I am feeling a closeness in my family that hasn’t existed for a long time. I am finding amazing confidence and self esteem in all that I have been able to accomplish this year. I never imagined my life could be this good – I thought I would always be suffering. But I’m not. I finally have a reprieve. And I am so grateful that I am having a moment to finally breathe.

 

Back to the Beginning

I don’t even know where to begin with this post. My heart is breaking.

First, for those that don’t know, I have had some type of insomnia since I was about 15. Well I finally learned what it is called. It is a circadian rhythm thing called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. You can read about it here.

It makes SO much sense why I could never find a treatment for my irregular sleep patterns. And OH, by the way. it just happens to mention Traumatic Brain Injury as a cause. Hmmmm. That would explain a lot. Everything always comes back to the Brain Injury. When your sleep cycle begins at 3am and goes until 12pm, that really doesn’t work in the real world. And it has taken its toll on my marriage and relationship with my girls. People thought I was super lazy and undisciplined, and I’m sure many still think that. Especially people in my own home. But this is a light shedding moment. Can it be fixed? I have no idea. There are very few things that work. But I’ll try them all. I always do. 

I wish I could have “that life’. The one that doesn’t involve ANY of my blog posts. I wish I had nothing to write to you. But that is not what God has given me. I keep having to break through brick wall after brick wall. And I don’t know why. I’m tired. Literally and emotionally. How can I not be? I hate the fact that I don’t live up to someones ideal, even though that is silly. No one lives up to an ideal. But I don’t even come close. What does that mean for me now that I understand why I do what I do?

I thought I was doing so well. My business is taking off like a rocket ship, and the ride has been AMAZING! I love enriching other women’s lives. Like really LOVE IT! It is what gets me through the day. But I don’t love to cook, and I have a hard time focusing (FYI, Facebook and Instagram are an ADD’s PARADISE!) The small things I can’t do. My focus is so fractured.

New Beginnings? Probably. I guess sometimes you wear a person down so much they just can’t find it in themselves to let go and move on. To forgive. And then to look for solutions. Things are going to be painful for a long time. I have no idea what the future holds. But I know I am going to need prayers for strength. Because it is beginning all over again. And I’m not sure that I can do it this time. Anyway. Sorry for the this post. My life changed in an instant this morning. The hammer dropped and I don’t know what to do.

Side note

I didn’t get a chance to talk about the DBT Skill “Distress Tolerance” in Part 2. The post ended up being longer than I thought. So I will cover it later this week, as well as my Hysterectomy and the reason for it and the awful side effects after the fact.

Some of my next topics for you all to look forward to:

Stalker “Max”. He antics are a TRIP! He wasn’t dangerous. Just always there. Literally. I will never forget the day that Seth answered my apartment door, and there stood poor Max. Holding a VERY belated birthday present for me. OH and his mom had to drive him there because at 21 years old he still didn’t have a license. OH MY!! #teamSeth rocked it! (ewwww, what if he is reading this right now? Now that would be creepy!)

The Crazy Anesthesiologist. I lived at her house for a while when I was 18 and she was one of the most corrupt Dr’s I have ever met. Let’s just say she “Operated” Under the Influence… of Drugs.

The Mafia Runner. This one is a sad story. I dated a boy when I was 16 who was wanted by the Las Vegas Mob for reasons I will explain. No happy endings there.

The Cheerleader. I became friends with her at 13 years old and it is a story straight out of “Mean Girls”.

AND there are MORE. Most of them aren’t as sad or hard to write as the two posts I just published. ANYWAY. Happy Reading.

I Wanted to be a Lawyer

So now you know….

 

A massive transformation has been happening in my life. Next month will be the one year anniversary of THAT… you know. How can that possible? My daughter turns 8 next week. We all remember what happened when she turned 7. I know I do. But I’m ready. I’m stepping up and being present in my life.

Here is a question. How many of us feel worthy of happiness? Do you feel like you deserve the goodness life has to offer? How about success? This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. I would have never thought I could personally be successful at anything, and yet, look at what I am doing. I have new passion, drive and a VOICE. I am not allowing myself to be the victim of my circumstance. I’m creating my own path. Even though it is rough and treacherous at times, it is also full of opportunity and promise. I am shouting to the world – NO MORE – no more huge obstacles. Just bumps in the road that I navigate and put behind me. Because it is MY choice whether the problems become mountains that are too impossible to climb. Now, they are small hills that I fight (and sometimes crawl) my way to the top just so I can enjoy the view on the way back down. reconfirming the fact it is all a CHOICE! My goodness, there are problems everywhere! Why let them consume me when there is beauty everywhere as well? There is hope, success, triumph, laughter, happiness, and JOY everywhere! But one thing I have learned on this journey. Not everyone is ready for happiness. Not everyone feels worthy of happiness. And that is okay too. We all have our own journey to traverse. Everyone is at a different point in their life and the one thing that I can give to everyone is the ability to make their choices and let them know that I understand.

So lets recap. I fell off a balcony. I got run over by a car. I almost drowned … twice. And almost got divorced … twice. I was hospitalized 5 times in 18 months. I have endured 7 surgeries. And … I died.

Then I got the opportunity most never get. To see my life for the mess that it was, pick myself up and decide to stay. To brush myself off and begin to fight for my family. To fight for mental clarity. To fight to overcome my addictions. To fight for the right to be happy.  And I have learned that even when I feel sorry for myself or I get mad and frustrated – it doesn’t change the fact that I am still a child of God. That I still have worth. That I can wake up the next day and make a different choice, brush off the past and be Present! And can do it all again the next day and the day after that. Wake up, let go of yesterday and move on.

Wow. That felt like a huge lecture of sorts. But it feels good to get out.

Back to me wanting to be an Attorney. Case in point: I like to learn. I like to read. And I LOVE to research. Which is why I probably would have made a really great Lawyer. But I’m not a Lawyer (but I still can be if I want…)

Currently I work for a company whose mission is to empower and motive women. I get to connect with people that I would have never met in 100 years. I get to influence and change lives for the better, just as much as they change mine for the better as well. When I first started working I stayed up non stop for about 30 hours reading every single bit of information I could get my hands on. My long time incurable insomnia became my friend. When something peaks my interest it gets really hard to turn my brain off. The company  has about 10 Facebook groups and so I read every post and comment in every group going back at least 6 months. I like to know things, just for the sake of knowing it. I became passionate again.

But this gets me in trouble all the time because I get caught up in the tiny minutia of the hows and the whys. Living in my brain sometimes is a complete nightmare. The technology we have today is such a massively huge blessing BUT a curse for the way my brain works. Which is why I constantly have to re-evaluate my choices and attitude. And usually make a lot of apologies. Lately I have been trying really hard to surround myself with the most positive people I can find. Because I want to be built up every single day. Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Without the community of positive people around me, there is no way I would be able to do my job, because you can’t lift someone up higher when you feel low yourself.

So I have a challenge for everyone. Find ONE thing you can do TODAY that will help you live in the present. I have noticed that when I am helping others – the further away my troubles go and the more present I become. The faster I forget my sorrows, the more I can remember that I am worthy of happiness. So if there is nothing at all you takeaway from this post but this:

YOU (yes, you!) are worthy of happiness!!

And no one is getting in your way from feeling that joy BUT you. SO get out of your way! Let the rays of the sun hit your face! Feel the power and joy from making your own happiness.

It was Mom

Yes, I know Mother’s Day was Sunday, but I was sick and so I didn’t get a chance to write this post. And maybe it was a really good thing, because as I scrolled through my Facebook News Feed Sunday and I saw all of the posts about how thankful people were for their mothers two very distinct thoughts ran through my mind.

First, was how grateful I was for my own mother. Through all of my struggles, she has struggled right along with me. My trials have always been her trials. My pain, her pain. And I love her so much! Especially for the times when I’m NOT happy. When all I want to do is shout from the rooftops how unfair life is and OH how I shout it! How unfair it is that I have to endure so much. She hears all my complaints, all my sadness and anger and she listens to me through my tears. Only a mom could do what she has done for me.

I love you more than anything Mom! And I see YOUR struggles and YOUR pain and your happiness and joy. And the way my little girls light up both yours and Dad’s faces. That is priceless to me.

But then this other BIG thought came to me. Wow, Kristin. What a horrible mother you are!! Why does anyone deserve to celebrate you being a mother, when you are so inadequate? To be honest, I struggle with motherhood. Like REALLY struggle. I have a hard time being affectionate with my girls. I have a hard time just taking them to the park to play, or going to their school activities. I am a mom with an illness, and I have never felt more restricted by the prison of my mind than when I am trying to be a mom. Because when the anxiety or depression or polarity creeps to the surface, being a mom is the most challenging thing I face. How can I be a mother to these beautiful little people that God has entrusted me with when I can’t even take care of myself? I question it ALL the time. Why on this earth did God make me a mother? Because it was no accident. Oh heavens no.

In early 2006 Seth and I had been married for 4 hard fought years and we didn’t have any kids yet even though we had tried. All the doctors told me to never have children myself. That my body couldn’t handle it. And so Seth and I came to a standstill as a couple. We couldn’t move forward. It was just us and we both wanted so much more. To have a family. There were only two times we lived separate from each other, and the summer of 2005 was the first. We were done. There hadn’t been happy times for a very long time for either of us. So we separated and were headed for divorce. And I remember thinking. THANK goodness we didn’t have any children! That they wouldn’t have to endure the divorce with us. And then for some really strange reason, that neither Seth or I know, we gave it one more shot with each other. Literally. And I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter who will turn 8 next month.

My pregnancy was horrible. I went off all the medication the doctors warned me to NEVER stop. And my body reacted. I threw up 20-30 times a day. Hospitalized 5-6 times. And finally I was given the option of home assistance. So I had a nurse come to my house 3 times a week to stab my dehydrated body to try and find a vein so I could somehow get fluids to my weakened body. 8 hours a day I was hooked up to my IV drip and had to carry my IV pole with me every where I went. Take the dog outside, yep – there is Kristin with her IV Pole. Oh my gosh I can’t even imagine what a sight it was. We ended up moving in with my parents because I couldn’t be alone and sick that much while Seth was gone during the day for 10+ hours. Finally around 26 weeks the sickness ended and I pulled out my IV. OH what a relief!

Then something crazy happened. You know, writing this post has been more emotional than most of my others. Maybe the other posts weren’t as personal as this one. But just thinking of this moment that Seth and I had. I will never forget. It is one of the happiest memories I have of us together. We were laying on the bed just talking. I was SO excited to be free from throwing up and the horrid IV bag and I had become obsessed with eating cheese and crackers. And all of the sudden in the middle of our conversation I started laughing. Full on belly laugh and I just couldn’t stop. Then Seth started laughing. There the two of us were, just laughing together, for who knows what reason. I must have been high on hormones or something. But I remember Seth said to me “I have never seen you this way. This truly happy. And I am so glad you are getting to experience it. I guess we will just have to keep you pregnant for the rest of our lives.”

Anyway. I’m glad I got to tell that story. Because my Heavenly Father knew, He KNEW that Seth and I wouldn’t survive that summer without divine intervention. And a miracle happened that trumped all the failed fertility treatments that we had given up hope on the year before. I had another baby in 2010. I didn’t want to even have another child to be totally honest. Second round of sickness and needle pokes and IV’s and my lovely IV Pole. AND a 4 year old! Insane. And I even had one more. I have 3 beautiful little angelic girls. If you have seen them you know. You can see it in their faces. Because let me tell you, most days I don’t love anything about myself. Absolutely nothing. But somehow they do. I know I fall short. Probably every single day. But they love me through it.

Reading those posts about everyone loving their mother’s, I just have to wonder. My kids are young, and they don’t see the whole reality of what I deal with and why. And my guess is that they will come to resent me for what I can’t do. For the missed opportunities, for the joyful moments lost. For the disappointments at not seeing me at Kindergarten Graduation or Science Fairs. Falling short. For not being able to bake cookies with them because I am scared of the germs. For not wanting them to play outside because dirt makes me uneasy. Restrictions. Thankfully they have a great dad. Who takes them to the park every Friday. Who makes cookies with them. Who plays with them in our backyard. Who is there when they need him. Maybe one day that will be me. I hope so.

I know that I am meant to be a Mother. I just don’t know when I will be able to be the mother that I want to be. Mother’s day is not a good day for me. And I’m sure you have read it in this post. I’ll figure it out one day. That maybe it is okay for me to be ‘this’ type of mother?

Just so this post isn’t a huge bummer. If you haven’t had a chance to watch this video. Please do! It made me happy and sad crying at the same time!

xoxo,

Kristin

 

A Little Break

Wow, that was a lot of hard stuff to cover in 10 days. Thank you for taking the journey with me. I know I have so many more stories to tell. What is surprising to me is that Seth has encouraged me this entire way. I thought he wouldn’t. To allow me to publicly, in front of the world, tell our story is very brave of him. I’ve always told my stories, never hidden from my truths. These are not easy subjects I am addressing. But I am addressing them honestly, because I would hate to misrepresent or distort my life to make it seem like something it is not. And … because I know I would get called out for it by A. My husband or B. My Parents. I am so thankful for their support over these extremely hard 12 years.

For those that have someone in their life that is lost or suffering and wants to give up I am pleading with you -please- let them read the things I have written over the last 10 days. I can’t tell you how often I felt misunderstood. Basically every waking moment of my life. That no one else in the world was experiencing the horrible things I was. And I have so much more to cover. Eating Disorders, DBT Therapy, Being bullied, Peer Pressure, Substance Abuse, just to name a few. And so many more come to mind. These are all really hard and intense subjects. But someone needs to talk about them openly, in the most honest and caring way possible.

What I want to impart most of all, in this break between emotionally difficult stories is this: I LOVE myself. I have never been able to say that ever before. And I can’t help but cry every time I say it out loud. Do you love yourself? Can you tell that to yourself honestly? Do you give yourself a break, like you give others? Or do you hold yourself to such an impossible standard that not even the best of us in the world could achieve? I am not the best mom or wife or daughter or friend. I struggle with body image issues and feeling insecure just like everyone else. BUT. I love myself. Every single time I say those words, it resinates deep within the valleys of my heart. I feel it. I enjoy it. And I let it be part of me. The more I say it, the more I know that it has become part of my truth. Love, compassion, kindness. Those aren’t things we do just for others. We need to do them for ourselves as well.

Because of DBT I pay close attention to how words, thoughts, feelings, and how my environment makes me feel. And of those things I try to make a conscience choice to let it affect me either positively or negatively. Do I let it change my course? Not much takes me off track anymore. There is a steadiness to my intentions and actions. I have known for a very long time the Spirit inside me didn’t match the sorrow and defeat that my outside image portrayed. And now, my Spirit is finally soaring free. And it is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

Life is Messy

My blog will not be in order of events in my life. That is too complicated for me, and that is not how my brain thinks. And I think you need to to hear this story. This is the story is how I got here.

Two years ago I had my very last child. She is amazing and smart just like my other two girls. I have complicated pregnancies. I was actually told by my doctors never to have children. It was too dangerous. I need to take medication from my injuries and I have to completely stop taking everything in order to have a healthy baby. And my body suffers because of it. After she was born I experienced Postpartum Depression, just like I had with my other girls. But this time it was different. I later learned that if you experience postpartum depression with your first child, after each subsequent birth, the depression will last longer. And that held true for me. The first baby, 4 months of it. The second 8 months. And the third, 18 months.

It created a hell like I have never known. My parents made at least 6 trips 12 hours away from their home to help me care for my babies. My neighborhood tried to help out, but they didn’t understand the severity. No one did. But I knew. I knew everything in my body felt wrong and out of place. I saw doctor after doctor, and no one could find an answer to make it stop. Until I met a Naturopathic Doctor. All the doctors before said my hormones were in the ‘normal’ range. But until you have a saliva test on a certain day of the month, you will never truly know what range your hormones are actually in. She prescribed Amour Thyroid medication, and Progesterone. WOW the feeling. The cloud lifted for a time.

But the other medication I had relied on for so many years quit working. This may be uncomfortable for me to talk about, but it is part of my story. During the depression I wanted to die, and I made multiple attempts. I was placed in Psychiatric Hospitals after psychiatric hospitals. I was hospitalized 5 times in 18 months. My longest stay lasting almost a month. No one could help. And FYI, don’t think psychiatric hospitals just contain padded rooms with restraints. They are different, and locked down, but probably very different than you can imagine. Not quite ‘GIRL, INTERRUPTED’, but some came close.

10 days after I was released from my final hospital stay, I was placed in an Intensive Outpatient Program. I was in a Mindfulness class and the therapist said something that would forever change my world. What would finally make me well. Apparently I had been misdiagnosed for all those years. She finally asked, “Kristin, have you ever been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder?” What? Why would she ask me that? I thought it was something like a Split Personality. No way did I have something that severe. Then while in the class I Googled it. Wikipedia is amazing. As I read the symptoms I started counting. I had 33 of the 35 symptoms. Oh my.

When I told my other therapist that I thought I had this ‘borderline personality thing’ she said that she had known for some time, but wanted to get my resources lined up before we talked about it. My goodness it was a light shedding moment and she waited to tell me??? I can’t describe the emotions I felt. Anger, frustration, but relief as well.

I took 5 months of fighting, advocating for myself to get in to a program that not only could treat my disorder, but could send it in to remission. WHAT, remission? Isn’t that something for just cancer patients? But in a way, I learned I had an emotional cancer. The cancer that made me impulsive, prone to inappropriate outbursts, experiencing such highs and lows in life that made it a living hell for people living around me. Specifically my husband. What a patient man. I know without a doubt there is no other person that would have put up with what he did, and he knows it too. He is a strong man. His ability to remain calm throughout my storms is something I will never understand. I wouldn’t have done it. Stayed with the crazy one. But he did, until one day he had enough. And I understand why.

Also, did you know that Amanda Bynes has Schizophrenia among other disorders. Don’t be too quick to judge nowadays. Mental Illness is more prevalent than you think!!