Life is Good … and Addictions?

Never in my wildest dream did I think life would ever be this great. My family and I are together and whole. I have amazing friends and I love my job “When you love your job so much, it isn’t work.” Seth is excelling and showing the world just how talented he is. My girls are thriving and growing up fast. They are beautiful and healthy and amaze me every day. And I’m doing what I can do to pay this forward. There are still minor corrections I need to make to keep on course, but overall life is GOOD! Well .. most of the time.

One moment we haven’t covered of hundreds more is the hysterectomy. I know you are thinking “What in the world? She just said life is so good, why go back?” Because the past is what got my life to BE good. So I have to tell it. And I said I would cover addictions, so why not talk about it now as well.

During the months leading up to the hysterectomy I can hardly recall most of the experiences because I was so drugged up, which has actually been a huge blessing sort of?. In July 2012 I started to feel massive pains in my stomach and pelvis. It left my crying in my bed, curled up in a ball almost every day. Ladies, imagine the worst cramps you have ever felt, then times it by 100. They were unpredictable and would come on at the worst possible moments. I was barely recovering from the mental anguish and hospitalizations and now a new and awful assault on my body emerged. Here is some backstory: When I was 20, I had surgery to remove endometriosis and large cysts that had grown on my ovaries. At the time they thought I would lose one of my ovaries because of how large and severe the cysts had become. But my Surgeon was able to save it, and the cysts went away for a time. But more surgeries were required.

So here is the problem with pain. I was prescribed very addictive medication when I was just 16. It provided me an escape from all the ugly things that would race through my head. It was an escape from the bullying. It was an escape for anything and everything. Any excuse and I would go right back to my anxiety meds. There were so many lies I told myself over the years.

“A doctor wouldn’t prescribe me this type of medication unless he thought I really needed it. At least I’m not taking illegal drugs. I’m not a druggie, I just have anxiety. My life is really hard so I deserve a little reprieve. I can stop anytime I want.”

That is where it began. And OH, the Ambien stories people could tell about me. The antics were crazy, but I was actually more fun when I took it – at least I thought I was more fun. It never did help me sleep like it was supposed to. Maybe I’ll have my sister do a guest blog post, Kristin’s Ambien Antics, a Look through the Years… OH, they were that crazy and deserve their own post! Singing the National Anthem in a public restaurant, stealing all the dinner rolls by dumping them into my purse and then jumping on a private boat … yup I did that! I’m pretty sure the psychiatrist who prescribed me the Xanax and Ambien when I was 16 lost his license later on. **Not because of me though.

Anyway. I happen to be allergic to Codeine. Many of you might know that most pain medications contain a synthetic form of codeine. So when I am in pain, I don’t have many options. The options I do have are powerful and highly addictive.

I gave birth to my daughter in February and the pain started at the end of July. I was given SO much pain medicine it was crazy. I actually got to the point where I only felt normal if I took some the minute I woke up in the morning. I was referred to a pain clinic because of the amounts of narcotics I needed. We went through alternative treatments. I had needles inserted deep into my abdomen with numbing medication so I could try to not take so many pain meds and start to function a little in my life. Start being a mom again. It didn’t work and was INSANELY awful!!

Reality finally set in. I had a Laparoscopy in October to determine what was going on and they saw an issue with my uterus. When I delivered my last daughter it cause trauma to my uterus which resulted in it being tilted. I finally decided I had enough. It had to go.

This decision wasn’t taken lightly. But to be honest, after all I experience when I’m pregnant, then post-pregnancy I couldn’t ever image having another baby. EVER. So it was decided. The week before Christmas I would have a hysterectomy.

The uterus is gone by new problems have arisen. My body hasn’t figured out how to function without normal hormones and I go through phases of menopause. We didn’t have enough money to get it all checked out at the time, but the process of fixing it is finally starting. I gained 20 pound in just a few months after the hysterectomy. Tough for a person with an eating disorder to wrap my head around. Anyway. A subject for another day.

If it worked to resolve the pain then I vowed to never take another pain pill in my life. No matter the circumstance.  But the problem is I am still an addict in recovery. In my teenage years the anxiety meds would run out and alcohol took its place. Just a few years ago I was prescribed Adderall to stop my racing mind. Addict. Compulsive Shopping. Addict. Work? Addict.

Want to know why I work so much? It is the most healthy way I have found to relieve the pain that is my life. It gives me purpose and it grounds me. Yes, I’m still addicted. I’m addicted to the feeling I get when I help someone grow and become someone they never thought they could be. I’m addicted to the feeling I get when I can help someone move forward in their life with renewed purpose. It happens over and over and I will never get over the feeling. Serving others has saved my life. That gives me purpose, which helps me rise above the demons of my destructive, family destroying addictions.

I need to remember to post about WHY the pain started in the first place. You will never believe it. There is no mystery, it was part of the plan. I see the bigger picture of my life. The hysterectomy was part of what saved my marriage. It is absolutely crazy!

wishing you love and light today,

Kristin