My Conflict Averse Self – Part 1

**Stay Tuned, There is a Part 2 to this post**

I see an amazing mindfulness therapist each week and the breakthroughs we make together are astounding. They never come in the hour I spend with her, it is the 6 days in between appointments when I am able to process the information that we discuss. Being engaged in therapy is difficult and exhausting. But I personally believe that therapy is for everyone. Find someone great who enhances and challenges your ideas on life and I promise it will give you an advantage in how you see yourself and how you exist in the world.

That being said, at my visit yesterday we got into a very interesting discussion about different personality types and their response to conflicts and challenges. I have what is called a “conflict-averse” personality. I will give up my best interests and happiness to avoid anything uncomfortable. Believe me, I have every excuse in the book memorized and ready to be recited at the slightest sign of conflict. Problem is that conflict is unavoidable. Conflict is central to our human experience. It can range from simple to complex. It can be short lived or last a lifetime. I’m a person that would encourage you to “pick your battles”, but I will never find a personal reason to go to war. My war rages inside. 

Fun fact: Avoiding conflict creates more conflict. 

Dealing with conflict is a learned skill. A universal truth about conflict is that it is uncomfortable. It is absolutely necessary to make peace with this fact. It is important we acknowledge that you will never be in your comfort zone while dealing with particular conflicts. actually help brace yourself against the tension that results when you deal with it. Conflict is messy, but we have to learn to love the messiness of it.

“Avoiding conflict is an inner struggle – should I deal with this now or later? – and one that can cause a lot of anxiety. It’s better to accept that conflict will happen and that sooner or later, you’ll need to face it. Don’t rush into it, but don’t put it off, either: consider carefully the type of conflict and how best to manage it. The sooner and more skilfully you can handle the conflict, the less anxiety you’ll have over it.”

Inner Conflict vs External Conflict

I am an introvert. That does not mean I don’t love being surrounded by people. I do. It just means that afterward I feel drained. An extrovert on the other hand feels energized by their interactions. They don’t mind large groups because it is where they thrive.

Part of what drives me to avoid conflict is my personal experiences with specific challenges in my life. I hate conflict so much that after going through one I feel like I’ve run a marathon. I just hurt so easily, there’s no emotional skin. I try insanely hard to understand what motivates people what makes people choose chaos.  

I do what I wish people would consider doing for me. I stop, think, and try to gain perspective. I dig deep inside and put myself in their shoes. Understanding the chaos and where it comes from is extremely important to me. 

So what is a person like myself to do with these things happening around me that are unavoidable?

There are a few great questions we can ask ourself when we notice an inner storm brewing:

1. What is the absolute worst that can happen?
2. What are my true fears vs the irrational fears I might have?
3. Realizing we cannot own other people’s feelings or reactions. All we can do is try and be considerate and kind. Their feelings are their own and not your responsibility.
4. Acknowledge and appreciate your efforts in trying successfully or unsuccessfully to resolve a conflict. Then then let it go.

Here are some great tips I found in an article in Psychology Today about embracing conflicts at the workplace. I love the tips but I’m going to spin them to relate in a more personal way.

1. Express your contrary opinion as an “and.” It’s not necessary for someone else to be wrong for you to be right. “I hear that you think we need to leave room in the budget for a customer event AND I’m concerned that we need that money for employee training. What are our options?
2. Use hypotheticals. If you don’t feel comfortable being assertive, try asking your friends or family to imagine a different scenario. In my experience, I am TOO hypothetical. If I am going to use this skill I need to dial back my imagination and approach it with more simplicity.
3. Talk about the impact of actions. Rather than disagreeing with the plan, help people think through the consequences by asking good open-ended questions about the impact. Ask about the underlying issue. If you disagree with a proposed action, start with discussion by trying to understand.

All these rational ideas of dealing with challenges and conflict are fine and dandy but they are not the reason I sat down to write this post. It was to talk about what I do best. When I start using my unique perspective to cut through the crap and see how I can change our collective present and future.

 

Some thoughts:

Yes, we absolutely need to prepare ourselves for inevitable challenges and conflict in life because it is where we are able to grow the most. Acceptance is important

I’ve decided that this will be my morning mantra. One of the greatest things I have learned when using affirmations to guide you in this world is to make sure you are grounded. That means planting your feet firmly on whatever ground you are standing on. You need to imagine your feet extend like roots of a tree as far as they can go. Be present.

The challenges I face today are made just for me. There is no one in this world who is better equipped to handle anything that comes my way. I was trained for this. I am battle ready with tools I do not have to fight this on my own. I have my faith in a higher power and a universe that is standing ready to help me become a conquerer. I will not feel defeat. I will feel growth.

The war is inside myself.

Through the fire we understand Resistance creates rewards of discipline.

You will never appreciate relaxation unless you have worked hard. One of the worst decisions you can make is to be comfortable.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor’s cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out –

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

xoxo, Kristin

Music moves me. It inspires me. It is necessary for me to live. When I pull out my MacBook and sit down to write, immediately the headphones go in and the music goes on. Starting now, the end of all my blog posts will have one song I feature that I helped me work up the courage to push Publish. Gotta say, I can’t get enough of Alessia Cara right now.  Her voice is haunting and I’m drawn to it. LOVE HER!!

Additional Blogging Playlist

Alessi Cara – Here

Would You Follow You – Motivation

The Light at the End of the Tunnel – Motivation

Memories Fading

Something is going on with my brain. I haven’t really talked about it much and only a few people in my inner circle know. I am having long term and short term memory loss again. I know the information is in my mind, but I just can’t access it. And it makes me incredibly nervous.

Let’s talk brain injury for a minute. I fell off a balcony. Got run over by a car. I have damage to my left frontal lobe. My last MRI was 10 years ago and I honestly don’t have the $900 to get another one right now. I’ve been trying to process the implications of this new development.

Is this because of the brain injury or because of the hundreds of drugs I have been prescribed over the last 15 years? In all my attempts to end my life, did I do more damage to my already broken brain? Did I do this to myself?

I am worried so I have been writing a lot. I’m scared of what more I will forget and I try to write every few days. If I have an idea and I don’t make a note within 5-10 minutes the thought is gone and as hard as I try I won’t be able to find it. I’ll be 35 in a few months and I’m nervous for my future. I’ve dropped the ball with so many things. Kids school stuff especially … so let’s just add guilt to this already hazy picture.

One of my coping skills has been right at my fingertips. I use the camera in my phone at least 15 times a day. I take pictures of everything so that I remember what happened or what I need to do. My camera roll has over 5000 photos and I go back often when I need a refresher of what happened in the days and weeks before. My notes section is full and I send myself audio recordings. Thank heavens for technology.

But is this my life now?

I have wanted to publish the next few blog posts months ago. I know how to write and I love it. But the details keep fading. I search my brain and all I get is fog and pain. I go to bed with headaches. Sitting here writing this right now the headache has already started.

Obviously I’m going to try and see if I can improve my situation by changing as many things in my environment as possible. My goal is to get rid of gluten and dairy and increase my intake of Omega-3’s and Fatty Acids. Get as much brain food as possible and get rid of the junk. Decrease the stress (yeah, right).

I’m going to try.

Anyway. So that’s whats happening. I’m scared.

A few years ago when my life was hell I would have probably said that this memory loss is a blessing in disguise. But so much has changed and I really do want to remember my life now …

Oh the irony.

Where have I gone?

I honestly don’t know. So many things that I have been passionate about just don’t seem important any longer. This blog. My business. Showering…..

The last six months have been difficult for my family. I didn’t want to write about them because it seemed like my life had taken 10 giant leaps backwards.

No longer. The experiences have been written. It is going to be tough because this isn’t like writing about something that happened years ago. This is fresh pain. It is time to flush it out. Get ready. November is going to be a big month for my blog. Hopefully it will help propel me forward. Reinvention is the name of the game.

A “Grey” Kind of Day

Enjoy.

xoxo,

Kristin

Trying to Find Clarity

(This was originally written March 2015.) 

My blog has always, and will always be a place for me to work through problems. A place to try and find clarity. I have found that the more I write about my life and things I feel, the more perspective I am able to have because I have to dig deep to be able to say these things out loud. None of it has been easy. I’ve decided in this post that I’m going to try and use my voice to discuss an issue that has plagued me for so many years. I want to desperately understand. I NEED some clarity.

I do not understand family dynamics. I don’t understand my place in a family. Where do I fit? I am unpredictable. Volatile. And I can create chaos.

Seth and I tried to discuss this issue last night and he said that it is going to take a lot of time for people to get over how bad I have offended them ………hey! Wait, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Right now, people I know are dying around me. There is so much suffering. In the grand scheme of things this life is just a matter of days and moments. SO why do we have to do it alone because someone has been offended? Well, hello family and friends. Let me introduce you to my blog. Yup, I get that you don’t want to talk to me to try and gain understanding. Start reading and get caught up. I discuss my life and the challenges I have faced having severe brain trauma and a personality disorder. I discuss my marriage in depth. I have strangers in seven countries that read what I write. They are grateful that I am bringing these issues to the surface because no one else is talking about it and most of the time they tell me their story as well. This is a record for my daughters and their children to read. Speaking my truth is empowering.

But I struggle with feeling that I am worthy of love. Always have. Right now the only people that I know without a doubt love and accept me are my parents. When I told that to Seth, he said that maybe they are the only ones that can love me right now.

That stung.

I am 33 years old going on 34. If my parents are the only people on the face of this earth that can love me … after all the people I have met and interacted with and cared for over the years, what a sad reality. It is lonely and isolating. We are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to feel alone. Yet how many of us do?

Random fact about me: I am a person that loves to talk on the phone. I don’t like to text unless I have to. I crave human interaction. Yet no one calls me unless I call them first. No one called me or checked in when I was dying. I guess Seth decided to withhold it from most of his family. My parents kept it pretty private as well. I figure that if you withhold that kind of stuff from people that care about you, then you must be ashamed. Doesn’t matter whether that is true or not. I wasn’t ashamed of it and I didn’t care who knew. After I gave birth to my daughter and over the course of 18 months I was hospitalized 5 times. I did not want to live. I was experiencing an extreme case of postpartum psychosis that mixed with BPD created a deadly combination. Shameful? I guess. Why I couldn’t have just died one of those 10-15 times that I have tried I do not know.

Yes, I realize that I have a greater purpose. But a big part of me still wishes that I would have died anyway. No one should be able to take hundreds of pills, cut themselves open, breathe in deadly fumes over and over again and live to talk about it. I do not feel ashamed for what I have done. Sad? Yes. Pained that I caused those around me to feel fear and pain? Yes. Shame? No.

Question: If I did die, who would notice or care? Don’t say my kids because yes I know they would care. I’m asking in a broader sense. Who would care? I have a close relationship with my parents. They would care. But would anyone else notice? Would they think about me sometimes? Probably. They would initially post about it on Facebook and question why it happened. But then it fades. People move on because they have to.

So family: If I have offended you and you are pushing yourself away from knowing me and my daughters because of it, then stop. I’m really trying to understand. What is the purpose of family?

God gave Adam Eve because he said it was not good for man to be alone. It is not good for anyone to be alone. I’m guessing a good portion of my family feels alone as well, and we probably don’t know how to fix it. Our society is screwed up like that.

I read an interesting article a few weeks ago about the power of kindness. That researchers could predict whether people were happy in their marriage based on the amount of kindness in the relationship. I’m going to say that extends to other family members as well. The more you are kind to others, the more you forget yourself and the better relationships you create.

I feel that I have earned the right to be happy. And I can choose happiness. Right now I am lost. When people you know die and you start to inspect your life and what it means, it can be a very sad journey to take.

As far as I know, there has only been one person to walk this earth in perfection. He chose to take on our imperfections, our pain. He suffered for MY imperfections, for MY pain. Yours too. So I understand why I lived in a way that if I didn’t think I could do something perfectly, I wouldn’t try at all. I became ashamed as my many failures started to pile up.

When you look at the nights sky, do you see the moon and the stars, or the just the darkness that surrounds them? How would you feel if I chose to dismiss your light because there was darkness surrounding you? I shine because of the darkness.

Watch the video I posted. Does it make you realize how insignificant you are? Or do view the opposite like me and you realize your great significance? I see the beauty. If there are as many people as stars in the sky then how GREAT must God be to personally show His love for me. I feel His great love surround me daily. I know He cares about me. I am but a grain of sand and yet God loves me anyway. How great is our worth?! IF God can love as many stars number the sky then why can’t we love each other? How come we find fault and diminish the light in others?

Stop

Losing Body Parts

I covered in the last post the part about feeling really off balance lately. And I know it is the lovely thing in my life called my necessary, but awful radical Hysterectomy. Any time a surgeon takes a scalpel to your body and removes necessary organs it can’t be a good thing. I was fortunate though to have a robot perform my hysterectomy, so I guess I can blame “it” for my troubles. It is called a da Vinci Procedure where the surgeon operates the robot who does all the cutting and laser-ing . Check out these pictures … kinda crazy right?

It is the latest and greatest in technology and if you absolutely MUST have a hysterectomy, the da Vinci is the way to go! Recovery time was less than 10 days compared to up to six weeks for a normal procedure. I had my surgery right before Christmas and so being able to be out of bed and with my family was a huge blessing.

Want to know an absolute miracle? The doctor who I had been seeing for 3 years is one of 5 surgeons in the entire state of Arizona that is certified to perform this procedure. Coincidence? You know I don’t believe in those.

But I have learned some awesomely awful things since the hysterectomy in trying to resolve some of my side effects. Like this: Doctors only replace 3 hormones, estrogen, progesterone, testosterone after a hysterectomy, but your body actually makes 13 different hormones in your reproductive system. Now THAT is a problem!

Weight Gain. I reached out to my fellow hystersisters to try and figure out what in the world was happening to my body in the months after the surgery only to discover that 90% of women who have a hysterectomy have unexplained weight gain. And I’m not talking 10 pounds here. The stories are sad. I read 3 stories just last night from women who are exercise instructors and they can’t stop the weight gain and it is destroying their careers and their self-esteem. I have gained about 20 pounds since my hysterectomy and it is something I struggle with every day. I am so incredibly thankful that I am not in constant pain anymore but it is an unfortunate reality that it has been a trade off.

But it is a New Year. Time for a new direction. I have to figure out a New way to deal with it because it is reality. Nothing sugar coated here.

But now you need to see the positive side of the hysterectomy. The part that saved my marriage. I mentioned before that I never thought I would have kids because the doctors specifically told me to never have children. But I am blessed with 3 beautiful, talented, amazing girls. I also talked about the toll getting pregnant, and the aftermath has on my body and mind. The IV pole story, and of course the severe long lasting postpartum depression. Seth put up with it like a hero for the most part. He was more patient than anyone could have expected. So were my parents. But it was ugly. I felt distant from the new little miracle in my life. It was painful and I felt like a complete failure.

Before the hysterectomy there was always the possibility that an unplanned pregnancy might occur. And it was a scary thought for both Seth and I. But the idea of a hysterectomy never came to mind until the unexplainable pain began. When they actually removed my uterus (by cutting it into a million pieces) they determined that it was quite normal. And there was really no explanation for the pain other than it was slightly tilted. But I have never had one regret about the surgery. I lifted a burden that I didn’t know I was carrying. The heaviness was gone. I feel my family is complete for now and I feel at peace. Seth agrees. Weird as it may seem I don’t think we could have reconciled the way we did if having more kids was on the table. It removed a huge barrier in front of us and I am extremely grateful. My Heavenly Father knows exactly what he is doing. And I am smart and resourceful enough to find a way to balance my body and lose the weight. I believe that anything is possible with enough faith, followed by action.

The next blog post you get to read a crazy story about my Warrior Spirit. It was one I wrote after an intense dream I had and I’m excited to share. It was profound for me and hopefully it will be for you as well.

****And by the way that picture of my girls sums up their personalities EXACTLY! They are amazing and imperfect like all of us in the most beautiful way possible!

Life is Good … and Addictions?

Never in my wildest dream did I think life would ever be this great. My family and I are together and whole. I have amazing friends and I love my job “When you love your job so much, it isn’t work.” Seth is excelling and showing the world just how talented he is. My girls are thriving and growing up fast. They are beautiful and healthy and amaze me every day. And I’m doing what I can do to pay this forward. There are still minor corrections I need to make to keep on course, but overall life is GOOD! Well .. most of the time.

One moment we haven’t covered of hundreds more is the hysterectomy. I know you are thinking “What in the world? She just said life is so good, why go back?” Because the past is what got my life to BE good. So I have to tell it. And I said I would cover addictions, so why not talk about it now as well.

During the months leading up to the hysterectomy I can hardly recall most of the experiences because I was so drugged up, which has actually been a huge blessing sort of?. In July 2012 I started to feel massive pains in my stomach and pelvis. It left my crying in my bed, curled up in a ball almost every day. Ladies, imagine the worst cramps you have ever felt, then times it by 100. They were unpredictable and would come on at the worst possible moments. I was barely recovering from the mental anguish and hospitalizations and now a new and awful assault on my body emerged. Here is some backstory: When I was 20, I had surgery to remove endometriosis and large cysts that had grown on my ovaries. At the time they thought I would lose one of my ovaries because of how large and severe the cysts had become. But my Surgeon was able to save it, and the cysts went away for a time. But more surgeries were required.

So here is the problem with pain. I was prescribed very addictive medication when I was just 16. It provided me an escape from all the ugly things that would race through my head. It was an escape from the bullying. It was an escape for anything and everything. Any excuse and I would go right back to my anxiety meds. There were so many lies I told myself over the years.

“A doctor wouldn’t prescribe me this type of medication unless he thought I really needed it. At least I’m not taking illegal drugs. I’m not a druggie, I just have anxiety. My life is really hard so I deserve a little reprieve. I can stop anytime I want.”

That is where it began. And OH, the Ambien stories people could tell about me. The antics were crazy, but I was actually more fun when I took it – at least I thought I was more fun. It never did help me sleep like it was supposed to. Maybe I’ll have my sister do a guest blog post, Kristin’s Ambien Antics, a Look through the Years… OH, they were that crazy and deserve their own post! Singing the National Anthem in a public restaurant, stealing all the dinner rolls by dumping them into my purse and then jumping on a private boat … yup I did that! I’m pretty sure the psychiatrist who prescribed me the Xanax and Ambien when I was 16 lost his license later on. **Not because of me though.

Anyway. I happen to be allergic to Codeine. Many of you might know that most pain medications contain a synthetic form of codeine. So when I am in pain, I don’t have many options. The options I do have are powerful and highly addictive.

I gave birth to my daughter in February and the pain started at the end of July. I was given SO much pain medicine it was crazy. I actually got to the point where I only felt normal if I took some the minute I woke up in the morning. I was referred to a pain clinic because of the amounts of narcotics I needed. We went through alternative treatments. I had needles inserted deep into my abdomen with numbing medication so I could try to not take so many pain meds and start to function a little in my life. Start being a mom again. It didn’t work and was INSANELY awful!!

Reality finally set in. I had a Laparoscopy in October to determine what was going on and they saw an issue with my uterus. When I delivered my last daughter it cause trauma to my uterus which resulted in it being tilted. I finally decided I had enough. It had to go.

This decision wasn’t taken lightly. But to be honest, after all I experience when I’m pregnant, then post-pregnancy I couldn’t ever image having another baby. EVER. So it was decided. The week before Christmas I would have a hysterectomy.

The uterus is gone by new problems have arisen. My body hasn’t figured out how to function without normal hormones and I go through phases of menopause. We didn’t have enough money to get it all checked out at the time, but the process of fixing it is finally starting. I gained 20 pound in just a few months after the hysterectomy. Tough for a person with an eating disorder to wrap my head around. Anyway. A subject for another day.

If it worked to resolve the pain then I vowed to never take another pain pill in my life. No matter the circumstance.  But the problem is I am still an addict in recovery. In my teenage years the anxiety meds would run out and alcohol took its place. Just a few years ago I was prescribed Adderall to stop my racing mind. Addict. Compulsive Shopping. Addict. Work? Addict.

Want to know why I work so much? It is the most healthy way I have found to relieve the pain that is my life. It gives me purpose and it grounds me. Yes, I’m still addicted. I’m addicted to the feeling I get when I help someone grow and become someone they never thought they could be. I’m addicted to the feeling I get when I can help someone move forward in their life with renewed purpose. It happens over and over and I will never get over the feeling. Serving others has saved my life. That gives me purpose, which helps me rise above the demons of my destructive, family destroying addictions.

I need to remember to post about WHY the pain started in the first place. You will never believe it. There is no mystery, it was part of the plan. I see the bigger picture of my life. The hysterectomy was part of what saved my marriage. It is absolutely crazy!

wishing you love and light today,

Kristin 

It isn’t About Me

So this is continued from a post on Facebook, which I have never done before, but there are too many things I want to say and I need you to be able to read this at your own pace. So here was how my FB post started … and then I will continue on writing from here.

I just had a big life changing Oprah AH-HA moment! Bear with me as I write this. I’m mean really, thank goodness that the Universe likes to keep me in check. I wrote a post on Sunday on Facebook, kind of lashing out at people who I feel won’t try to open themselves up to understand me and my illness. Especially after I have reached out and helped them  through so many life problems because of my unique perspective that my illness has taught me. I had this big feeling come over me that even though I took it very offensively…

It wasn’t about ME.

I absolutely needed to remove myself from the equation.

Then other things started to happen. First, I started writing a new blog post. Then I got a notification from Momastery. Glenn Doyle Melton (who writes Momastery) is my Warrior Guide who says everything I wish I could say, only better.

Somehow through a series of events I ended up on Momastery.com and was watching THIS YouTube video with Glennon that I hadn’t seen before. You should watch it right now so we can all experience this light shining moment together! It is only 5 minutes! Do it!

Welcome back. Did that hit you hard like me? Oh my goodness, it was BEAUTIFUL!! Make you want to hear more from her? Well, it did for me. So then finally, I searched her on YouTube and found a rarely viewed video she did for her sorority this year that is AMAZING.

This is what caused my ah-ha moment.

And maybe it is just me that needed to hear it today, but I think you need to hear it too.

This is something you can listen to without actually watching the screen. Turn it on this morning as you get ready or go through your emails, whatever. Take the time. It is worth it. Listen to every word. Let it fill your soul.

Personally, I learn best by taking notes when I’m listening to important things in life. Then I watch it again. Take more notes. Then repeat. I copied my notes to this post so I could better share this with you and to help articulate my points. Here is the video, and what follows are my notes and interpretations.

The theme of where she was speaking was “Our time to Shine”. So she wanted to know, If we are all the same, then why is it that some people shine so bright they can light up the entire room? What is so different?

She made a list of people that SHINE to her, and the common trait is that they all have Purpose and Peace. Purpose and Peace = Joy. And Joyful women are the women who shine. They have absolutely nothing in common, but they all do the same things each day. Little disciplines in their life that they do that result in Joy.

1. Relentless Eliminators of Poison in their Lives. (Coal Miners and Canary example). They know what the poisons are in their lives and they get rid of them. Period. Eliminate toxic relationships. One of the awesome, best things of being a grown up is you don’t have to have friends you don’t like. You can gently let them go. It is much kinder to let them go gracefully, then to hold them close and hate them. Because that is poison. JUST let them go. Liberate both of you. Sometimes you can’t get rid of every person or habit in your life, but you must make boundaries around them. You can love and find the beauty in almost any human being as long as there are firm boundaries in place. (Steel bars).

2. Women who shine are really really good listeners to themselves. They make it a priority to daily find a time of “quiet”. And they only take orders from the voice they hear in the quiet. When the voices get too crazy, sit down, be still, take a deep breath and listen to whatever guides you. “You are enough, all is well.” Wisdom is always speaking in the same volume to every single person. but people that shine are the ones that are quiet enough to hear it. We think they are making incredible decisions and we think they are so lucky, it is just that they became quiet enough to hear what is being said.

3. Souls not Roles. If we only identify completely in our ROLES it can be extremely dangerous. What happens when our kids leave this home or heaven forbid pass away. What happens when your husband leaves? What happens when you get laid off and are no longer this career person? Then what are you? That it why it is important to understand that you are your SOUL not your role. Find something that you LOVE. That you know you will love when you are 12, 30 or 75 because your soul identifies with it. (Beach, hot tea and reading). You will be able to say, “This is ME! It has nothing to do with the roles in my life, but makes my soul sing.” Bad times, good times all pass, but no matter what, roles come and go, And as long as I know what my soul needs, I will be fine.

4. A belief in Abundance. Scarcity tells us there is ONE pie. And if someone gets a big piece of the pie, then there isn’t enough for all of us. When a person is living in scarcity, they tend to tear others down. Those living in ABUNDANCE lift other women up especially  in public. The good news is that whether you live in scarcity or abundance, we are all jealous of each other. Shiny people feel jealous too. Their discipline though helps them counteract that because they know it isn’t true. They take action to make the feeling go away. They make it a practice to publicly praise whoever it is that is causing it and it slowly helps releases the jealousy. And then amazing things happen because when we lift each other up, we all rise together and connections are made. That is the law of abundance.

True of all the shiny women. Whether insanely famous or struggling to find their way.  None of them know what the hell they are doing. They are all scared to death all the time. They are doing the best they can. Plans don’t work for all of them. They are scared with every new thing that they try. We have this idea that brave, shiny people aren’t scared. And the idea that we have to be better before we get started with what we are put here on this earth to do, is a huge mistake. All we have to do here is ONE – We have to follow our dreams and TWO–  We have to serve our brothers and sisters.

There is no number 3. We don’t have to get better first, we just show up now, completely as we are.

We are all made of exactly the same stuff. The Shiniest people we know just practice these tiny daily disciplines. They relentlessly eliminate negativity and poisons easily and without much angst or thought. They get quiet often and only take orders from that inner voice. The know that they are a soul and they are not their role. They live with the idea of abundance and take every opportunity to lift others up, over and over. And finally they just show up scared.

 

OKAY!! Synopsis done. My ah-ha moment came because I realized that some people know more than me. I DO have a mental illness that at times can be toxic to those sensitive to it. And maybe my friend is just that, a sensitive person. I would much rather she let me go gently, then to hold me close and hate me for making her feel not at peace. After that realization, the rest of the video just sent light bulbs off all over the place. I am slowly starting to digest it all and can’t wait to watch more. I have really missed focusing on my personal growth lately. I have gotten busy with work and the holidays and more work, work, and work.

But what I learned today is that I can’t effectively lead others unless I live and breathe these five amazing disciplines. So again:

Be a Relentless Eliminator of Poison in your life

Take time each day to quietly listen to yourself

Know that your soul is more important than any role

Always believe in Abundance never scarcity.

Show up and do it Scared

So what do you think? You can let me know back on my Facebook page. I posted my favorite Ted Talks from Brene Brown and Glennon in the comments of that post as well. Thanks for taking this journey with me. Hopefully you had a few light bulbs go off as well. Much love!

xoxo – Kristin

 

Look Up

I love being a part of the LDS faith, and I am so grateful that they are covering these previously “taboo” topics that have always existed (but were never openly discussed) with sensitivity and kindness. This is a great message for all of us, including me, to keep our heads up. Be watchful. Be aware. You never know who might be feeling this way, and for what reason.

For me, I have always fallen in the category of feeling like I was too much of a burden for those that have had to care for me when I was sick. It is a horrible, gut wrenching feeling to try and live with. I never in my life thought I would be able to get better or that things would improve. I have stated it before … hopelessness was my constant companion. Yet here I am. Things are far from perfect, but I have more clarity than I could have ever asked. And because I walk such a dark path, I understand these particular demons very well. In being so honest about my story I have had such a great privilege to have heard so many others’ stories as well. I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am that others have trusted me with their “hard stuff”, the stuff they never tell. Because it needs to be told. It is all around us whether we want to recognize it or not.

These past few months have been particularly hard. I haven’t really felt like writing anything — too worn down I guess. Social media can be great, but I have noticed that it can actually be a really lonely and isolating place. Someone “updates their status” and so you feel like you know what is going on in their life, and you don’t make the phone call you normally would to check in. For those that know me well, you know that I am super old school and love to talk on the phone. I actually hate texting and and prefer the phone as my method of contact. Mostly, because I never feel like people can understand and interpret my words correctly. In person or on the phone you can’t mistake my laughter and sarcasm or my sadness and frustration. Sarcasm can be especially tricky when you try and put it in written words. I mean, really, how many times can a person write LOL?? And which one of you is really laughing out loud? I would totally like to know! haha lol 😉

Anyway, I’m going to make the post quick and I just want to encourage you all to go “Old School”. Call someone up that you haven’t talked to in a while and see how they are doing. It may take an hour or so out of your day, but for the other person on the line, you can bet it is an hour well spent. And you all know I am here if you need someone to talk to as well.

Something that has really helped me lately is the fact that I have finally stopped asking for perfection in my life, and have started to notice the moments of peace instead. Even if it is just two minutes a day, those are two amazing minutes I have been blessed with. So for everyone that reads this, I wish you peace. It may not be something that you easily find, so go on a treasure hunt and discover the things that bring it into your life.

I love you all! xoxo

Kristin

What I Wish You Knew About My Mental Illness

My Post for the day is below this one — I didn’t read this article before I wrote my post this morning. It was sent to me via email a few days ago and I just got around to reading it. I need EVERYONE to read it … so I am reposting it with the link.

WHAT I WISH YOU KNEW ABOUT MY MENTAL ILLNESS

by Elizabeth Hawksworth

This one goes out to the naysayers, the ones who insist that mental illness is “all in your head”, that it can be “snapped out of”. This one goes out to the people who can’t fathom the darkness and can’t understand the internal pain. Here are the things I wish you knew about mental illness. Here are the things I wish you knew about me and people like me, because we walk the streets beside you. We sit beside you in the subway. And we’re your friends and family members.

When you don’t know, you can’t understand. And this is written from my point of view as a sufferer of mental illness only. I don’t pretend to speak for others, or to understand their personal struggles. But some symptoms are similar, and if you find yourself echoed in this article, I pray you, too, can find peace and understanding as we break through the barriers of stigma surrounding our lives and our experiences.

The first thing I wish you knew is that I don’t choose to be like this. Whether it’s my brain chemicals that are different than yours, or a situation I’ve experienced (and for me it has been both), I don’t make a choice to have mental illness any more than a cancer sufferer chooses to have cancer. My symptoms are simply different, and they are ruled by my brain, which makes it seem like I can control them. I wish you knew what a struggle it was sometimes to act normal, to keep smiling, to pretend that I’m just like everyone else. In reality, every nerve ending is buzzing, my legs are almost imperceptibly shaking, and my heart is beating a million miles a minute while I try to control the compulsions and obsessions in my brain. In reality, I would like to be safely in bed, away from the scary things in the world, in the cocoon of my apartment, ignoring everyone.

But I know that I can’t live my life that way. And when I’m having a bad day, and all you can see is irrationality and absence and a strange energy that I can’t quite hide away, I wish you understood that it’s taking every single cell in my body not to leave the outside world and hide. I wish you could see that, because I know you would understand if you could feel it, too.

I wish you knew that the thoughts in my brain sometimes have a wild way of their own. Sometimes they race and spiral at speeds unknown to man, turning over and examining every bad thing the human mind can think of. I picture the world exploding, my family dying from Ebola, what my cats’ deaths will look like. I picture murders, sexual abuse, maggots wriggling in a trash bag. I picture people vomiting, people being run over by cars, babies crying, neglected in their cribs. And I don’t have control, sometimes, over what my mind is showing me. Sometimes it’s completely hellish, unwillingly thinking of things that are so horrible. But this cycling is part of my illness. And when I smile on the outside, and talk quickly, jumping from one subject to another, sometimes I’m not just passionate and excited. Sometimes I’m trying to stall the cycling thoughts, to erase them with good things. Sometimes I’m successful. Other times, I’m not.

But I know that the rest of the world doesn’t picture these things. So I use my friends to vent to, and my writing to open the locked doors in my brain, so that the thoughts have a place to go. I do it because it keeps me from going completely mad. And I wish you knew that, that it’s sometimes hard to be in my own brain. That I can’t snap out of it easily, but I surely try.

I wish you knew of the dark winter days, the days that I don’t get up til 5 pm, the days that the soft and black cushion of sleep is the only thing sustaining me. Because my dreams aren’t like my thoughts. My dreams take me to better places. And being awake in the constant grey reminds me of the bad things in the world that I don’t want to think about. I’m not deliberately ignoring you. I’m preserving myself so that I can be there for you. I want desperately to be a good friend, a good family member, a good human being. And most of the time, I succeed in attempting these things – most of the time, I can pass for any other member of society. But I can only do that when I have the quiet times. I can only do that when I allow my body to let it go.

But I know that if you are an extroverted, social person, you don’t always understand the need for self-preservation. I know that you sometimes think I’m lazy, that I just need to change my mindset. I know you think my coping skills are rusty, that I’m just not trying hard enough. How I wish you knew how hard I try some days just to be the person I want to present to the world. I wish you knew how I quell the constant electric buzz of anxiety in my body at work on bad days, how I walk and pace to keep myself from vomiting, how my phobias and my obsessive cycling thoughts can ruin even the best experience unless I have a strict hold on myself.

Mostly, I wish you knew that no matter the mental illness we live with, we struggle with our shadows and demons all the time. That certain things can be triggering and it’s not our fault. That we don’t want attention and special treatment, that the media and the world and the general mindset of “suck it up” have created this space in which our minds and bodies don’t belong. So we try, daily, to belong. To laugh weakly at jokes about “crazy people”. To soothe and battle fears about the homeless man on the street. To break through the stigmas that have the world wanting us locked up, locked away. To prove that we are worthy people in society, worthy of respect, of consideration, of just plain friendliness.

I wish you knew these things — because behind my smile, I’m desperately hoping that you don’t see my illness. I don’t want you to think I’m weak. I just want you to think I’m just like everyone else — because I am.

I simply live with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Emetophobia. And I’m one of millions who want you to know that mental illness isn’t a choice.

I’m blessed. Thank You!

I just have to take a moment to say thanks to all those who sent me such kind messages, texts, emails and even dropped things by my home. It has been amazing to hear from people I don’t even know about how my stories have affected them as they have been following my blog. This world is so difficult for all of us, and what I am finding is that we all have a lot more in common that we would ever think! Thank you for sharing the LOVE!

Acknowledge vs Acceptance

Thank you so much to all those that love me through my honest lens. This is my reality. And it isn’t pretty. It is messy and chaotic and beautiful at the same time. I am slowly learning to love and embrace my truth. I don’t ask that you say it to the world like I do, but you should acknowledge the truth within yourself. Don’t judge it, just acknowledge. You will feel better for it.

I need to come back to my basic DBT skills so I can stop hurting over things that I cannot change. I am Acknowledging that I cannot change the present moment. I am not Accepting it. So I am NOT going to judge myself for posting what I did about motherhood. That would defeat the entire purpose of learning and growing into having a more Wise and conscious Mind. I can only observe what I felt and why. And then, JUST LET IT BE.

So What exactly is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? Here is one of the modules called Nonjudgmental Stance. I sincerely needed this refresher. If you are interested in learning more about DBT, click on the link just below, you can see all the DBT Modules and Skills. I went through actual class and therapy to learn this. And it takes practice. A LOT of Practice. But every time I practice one of my skills, I always find more peace. Even if it is just for a moment.

DBT training *Courtesy of DBT Self Help

Nonjudgmental stance is the last of the “What” skills in the Mindfulness Module of DBT.

First was Observe, in which we paid attention to ourselves, our environment, and others around us. When observing, the trick was to just notice things like, “I notice I’m thinking about the future,” or “I notice my pulse is faster when I’m talking to my mother.”

Next was Describe, in which we would put words on the things we observed. Some people described very simple things like washing the dishes or going for a walk, but found that by describing, they felt like they were better able to pay attention to the present moment.

Next was Participate, where we allowed ourselves to be completely immersed in the moment, focusing in a way that made us forget everything else.

Nonjudgmental Stance, I think, really pulls it all together. We are very conditioned to placing judgments on our observations. To use the examples above, I may notice that I’m thinking about the future, but it’s likely my next thought will be something like, “I’m not doing DBT correctly since I’m thinking about the future. Therefore I am bad or wrong or incompetent.” This is a judgment of the observation and it is not at all helpful.

The point of taking a nonjudgmental stance is to give ourselves an opportunity to observe the same old things that we always observe in our minds or in our environment or about other people, but open ourselves to thinking about it in a different way. So if I withhold my judgment about what my thought means, but simply observe it, note it and let the thought move away, I have an opportunity to treat myself more gently. Even if I still have the judgmental thought, I can observe that I had the thought, then let it go. That’s the beauty of nonjudgmental stance; all the negative garbage we’re so accustomed to telling ourselves is suddenly cut off and a gentleness takes over so that healing becomes possible.

I was recently reading the book “Writing as a Way of Healing,” by Louise DeSalvo and in it she said, “In the end, isn’t healing just another way of seeing?” When I thought about it, one reason that statement is true is because I’m backing off from taking a judgmental stance and opening myself to another way of thinking (which is where many of the other DBT skills come in – offering suggestions for alternative ways to behave/react/think about any given situation).

If you look at the second example of an observation above, “I notice my pulse is faster when I’m talking to my mother,” we can see how the nonjudgmental stance can change a potentially volatile situation into a healing moment in which I can learn something about myself. My temptation is to think, “my pulse is faster because she’s a witch and I can’t stand listening to her and now she’s yelling at me because she hates me” and so I react and yell back. This has happened to me many times.

But sometimes, in the midst of the moment, I notice my pulse and let’s say I resist making a judgment about WHY my pulse is fast or what my mother is doing. Instead I notice that the pitch in my mother’s voice is higher and I resist making the judgment about WHY her voice is higher or what it means to me. Or, if I can’t resist the judgment, I just observe it and let it go. Then I notice that my face is becoming red and that I feel the impulse to react and I force myself to simply observe and withhold judgment. And slowly, I find I’m regaining my composure, freeing myself from the prison of emotional pain. I feel less need to react. As my feelings of anger dissipate, I begin to hear the pain in her voice and I don’t judge that pain. Instead, I let her have her pain and I just listen. I don’t take it on, I merely observe. And somehow, the entire situation feels different. “Healing is just a different way of seeing.”

I am especially aware of the impact of a nonjudgmental stance when I use it on the more complex observations and descriptions of EMOTIONS! Nevertheless, I think it’s good to practice with more benign things like taking a nonjudgmental stance about my walk in the park.

I can practice by not making a judgment about the guy who just walked past me and pulled his dog in closer to him quickly and sidestepped my path. I might be tempted to think he was avoiding me because he thinks I’m ugly, dangerous or any number of things. But if I notice myself doing so and consciously make a decision not to judge my observations, I am able to practice this skill and gain some competence with it. In this way, later on, when that argument with my mother happens, I will have practiced observing and describing without judging. In so doing, I’m in a position to gain even more actual healing.

I am working on being more Mindful. I lose myself in the moment just like everyone else. I feel sad and hopeless. But every single day, I wake up and heal a little bit more. This blog is helping me heal. Your response is helping me heal. Thank you again for your support and love!

xoxo,

Kristin

 

The Longest 6 Months

So once I decided to fight it took everything in me, every ounce of courage, strength, patience, and love. I fought hard for myself during that time as well. I got into a therapy program called DBT. OH My Goodness! Everyone needs DBT in their life! It stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Please. Google IT.

You don’t have to have every symptom on that list to experience the therapeutic benefits of DBT! I finally found a way to be compassionate. TO myself. To forgive myself. To let go of the never-ending shame. Once I let go of the shame  I was finally Free! I immersed myself as far as I could go into the world of DBT. I’m a person that likes to learn everything there is to know about something that interests me. I don’t sleep much. So the time that I am awake I study, I research, and I learn. I graduated my DBT program in February. Four months ahead of schedule. Much earlier than anticipated. But what can I say. My life was in order, and I was finally in “remission”. In my DBT group right before I left, I shared my story. Of how I got where I was. It gave them hope. I was finally able to repay the gift I had been given, and pay it forward to so many others. There is always hope, even in the darkest of places. Keep living because you never know when the light will shine – it’s just around the corner.

While I was attending DBT I learned to focus on my family instead of myself. This is kind of funny, but I learned to play on the Playstation I bought Seth. We played Black Ops II a lot with his brothers online. Even though he wouldn’t admit it, he was impressed! I had never shown any interest in what was important to him, but for some reason everything he did I wanted to be there. To be honest I couldn’t keep myself away. I was like a newlywed again and he was my drug of choice. 🙂  I let go of myself and started to see everything I had missed while I was so preoccupied with my misery. There is so much more to that story, but I want to share the amazing part first.

December happened. Holidays are really difficult for me. Birthdays, Christmas, I have no idea why. But I reached a turning point Christmas Eve. When I told my therapist the story she shed tears of joy. She said, “Do you know what you have done??” that on that Christmas Eve, when I woke that morning on Christmas day, it was a rebirth of sorts. The symbolism of being reborn on Christmas is not lost on me. I did something that day that was uncomfortable and that I had never done before. To everyone else it might seem so simple. But for me it was the struggle of my life. Seth and I fought Christmas Eve, like normal. We were still separated and split time with the kids and we couldn’t agree on the schedule. We argued, I got mad enough to sleep in another room and I KNEW. I knew it was going to be like every other Christmas. I would be upset, smile when I needed to smile. Put on the mask of pretend happiness and joy while I was crumbling inside. But not this time. I prayed. Really hard. I am not an early riser, but on that day I woke up just before 6am. No one was awake yet. I took 10 steps to the room where Seth was sleeping. I laid next to him, and just held him. And he turned and held me back. I have always let my emotions run my life, and I finally told my emotions to get out of the way, and I made my choice. To live to be happy that day. With true happiness, no masks. It was a really great day. I wish you could have been there. We often sing songs of Peace around that holiday and I was truly blessed with a type of peace I had never known.

There were still struggles of course. I constantly told Seth I loved him and he could never say it back. It was so painful. He didn’t know if he loved me. He didn’t want to say something that would give me hope. But January changed all of that. Something happened in the weeks right before the 22nd of January that brought us closer together. I’m not quite sure what it is still. But it changed us, it prepared us for what was to come. Finally the day. Please understand this and the significance. SIX months to the day my life changed forever.

Seth told me he loved me. Did you hear that?? It had been almost a year since I heard those words. “Where have you been all this time Kristin? It doesn’t matter what you are talking about, I just love to listen to the passion in your voice. I could listen to it all day long. Kristin, you are the person I met 12 years ago and I can’t tell you how excited I am to see her again. You are absolutely amazing.”    UMMMM WHOA!!

Do you get the Lash Therapy part yet? I have been in some sort of therapy all my life. DBT was a miracle, but so was joining Younique. Being part of this company is some of the best therapy I have ever had. The women I work with welcomed me with open arms and they are phenomenal. They appreciate my contributions. I immediately made five new amazing friends. I have struggled all my life to have relationships. But these girls don’t judge. They want to help me succeed. To put positivity at the forefront of my life. I decided to give myself a challenge of 30 days. 30 days to see if working in this business would do anything for me. Why not take the chance, right? So I dug deep! I put everything I had into building, reaching out, letting my introvert self fade away. In those 30 days I did 2 trade shows, I added 4 people to my team, and I advanced 4 levels in the company in record time. And I made money. Good money! It was amazing. I now have my own team of 30. We are in five states already. And do you know what? I feel I have already won. I already achieved what I wanted. I got Seth back. And I give a lot to my team. I am empowering them with tools to find success on their terms. We are supportive, helpful and kind and I would absolutely do anything to help them succeed and they know it! They need Younique therapy just like I did — thus “The Lash Therapist”

Then there is this: Seth and I are better than we have been in 11 years. We talk every day about the plan for the days and weeks to come. It is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. There is happiness and joy in my home every single day! If you read my Facebook wall you will see it as well! I can’t help it! I needed to write this blog so you can see, Look at what is possible? Do you understand? If you don’t, I will show you more!  

It was late when I posted this. But I needed to get it out. I will edit later! Thanks to everyone who read this LONG post!! Thank you to my readers! I don’t know who you are, but thanks for reading my stories. This is the most honest thing I have ever done. And the more I write, the more it heals me.

The Therapist is In

I think when anyone decides to sit down and actually write the things they have thought and spoken about their life, there is hesitation. I’m not worried about being judged, but I don’t know that I’ll be able to convey the thoughts and emotions, the sorrow and joy into words. But I’m going to try my best, Be patient with me. For some odd reason I feel like I have to, no -NEED- to get my story out there.