I just went back a looked through all the blog posts that I haven’t published yet. Most of them are thoughts and stories that haven’t fully matured to the point where I feel comfortable enough to push the “Publish” button yet. Maybe January sometime. I just want you to know that I am still writing.
I was reading through some of my past posts and I reread the story about two Christmases ago. What a different time it was.
I’m not going to lie, I’m struggling. I hate this holiday. We sing of Joy and Happiness. But what happens when you don’t feel those things? I don’t know how many times people asked me around the holidays why I couldn’t just be happy. “C’mon Kristin, it is Christmas. What is there to be sad about?” A lot. Now leave me alone. I understand completely why the suicide rate is so high around the holidays. STOP putting pressure on yourselves and those around you to live up to an impossible standard. It is okay if you have some “magical” moments, BUT dang it! It is just as okay if you don’t. Remember your Savior. Celebrate that.
I have found quite the community of amazing BPD survivors like myself. And there is a firm and scary statistic associated with this illness. 1 in 10 people with Borderline Personality Disorder will complete suicide. ONE in TEN. Isn’t that just crazy? Survival rates for most cancers are higher than that ratio. So please let me urge you. No matter what side you are on, sick or not, PLEASE be kind to yourself over the next few weeks. Don’t push yourself more than you need to. This isn’t a time to reflect on this past year and hate yourself because you weren’t perfect. There was only one perfect person who has walked this earth and it is a time to celebrate his miraculous birth. Focus on Him. I know so many of you feel incredibly lonely over the holidays so can I recommend something that always works to wipe the looniness from my life? Go find someone to serve. Do something good for someone else every single day for the next week. Make it big or small I don’t care. Donate some money if you have it. Donate your time. Doesn’t matter, Just DO.
I am writing this because the old feelings are creeping back that I felt in years past. How much I hate this time of year. How I hate the expectations. How I don’t understand why I just can’t be like everyone else and enjoy it. But I’m taking my own advice. Service. I’m donating my time. I’m donating my money. I am trying to feel the calm in being around my dog, who doesn’t care if I’m not giddy because it is Christmas.
But the depression is still there. I stay in my bed longer than I should. Eating and showering become a chore. I’m trying to find my way through the fog. It is harder than anyone will ever know.
So, these may not work for me, but here is advice for you:
- Lower Your Expectations. This is a rule of mine. Realize what is important and prioritize carefully.
- Say no. This is one of my favorites that so many struggle with. Learn to be comfortable saying no and stop feeling guilty about it.
- Don’t compare the past with the present. This holiday season may be different than years past. Stay in the present and try to find joy in each day.
- Finally, Forgive yourself. You deserve forgiveness as much as anyone else.
Be kind to yourself always. Make small improvements every day because they will lead to fantastic changes for your future.
With as much love and light I can send your way,
xoxo – Kristin
Eye Opening Honesty 