My Conflict Averse Self – Part 1

**Stay Tuned, There is a Part 2 to this post**

I see an amazing mindfulness therapist each week and the breakthroughs we make together are astounding. They never come in the hour I spend with her, it is the 6 days in between appointments when I am able to process the information that we discuss. Being engaged in therapy is difficult and exhausting. But I personally believe that therapy is for everyone. Find someone great who enhances and challenges your ideas on life and I promise it will give you an advantage in how you see yourself and how you exist in the world.

That being said, at my visit yesterday we got into a very interesting discussion about different personality types and their response to conflicts and challenges. I have what is called a “conflict-averse” personality. I will give up my best interests and happiness to avoid anything uncomfortable. Believe me, I have every excuse in the book memorized and ready to be recited at the slightest sign of conflict. Problem is that conflict is unavoidable. Conflict is central to our human experience. It can range from simple to complex. It can be short lived or last a lifetime. I’m a person that would encourage you to “pick your battles”, but I will never find a personal reason to go to war. My war rages inside. 

Fun fact: Avoiding conflict creates more conflict. 

Dealing with conflict is a learned skill. A universal truth about conflict is that it is uncomfortable. It is absolutely necessary to make peace with this fact. It is important we acknowledge that you will never be in your comfort zone while dealing with particular conflicts. actually help brace yourself against the tension that results when you deal with it. Conflict is messy, but we have to learn to love the messiness of it.

“Avoiding conflict is an inner struggle – should I deal with this now or later? – and one that can cause a lot of anxiety. It’s better to accept that conflict will happen and that sooner or later, you’ll need to face it. Don’t rush into it, but don’t put it off, either: consider carefully the type of conflict and how best to manage it. The sooner and more skilfully you can handle the conflict, the less anxiety you’ll have over it.”

Inner Conflict vs External Conflict

I am an introvert. That does not mean I don’t love being surrounded by people. I do. It just means that afterward I feel drained. An extrovert on the other hand feels energized by their interactions. They don’t mind large groups because it is where they thrive.

Part of what drives me to avoid conflict is my personal experiences with specific challenges in my life. I hate conflict so much that after going through one I feel like I’ve run a marathon. I just hurt so easily, there’s no emotional skin. I try insanely hard to understand what motivates people what makes people choose chaos.  

I do what I wish people would consider doing for me. I stop, think, and try to gain perspective. I dig deep inside and put myself in their shoes. Understanding the chaos and where it comes from is extremely important to me. 

So what is a person like myself to do with these things happening around me that are unavoidable?

There are a few great questions we can ask ourself when we notice an inner storm brewing:

1. What is the absolute worst that can happen?
2. What are my true fears vs the irrational fears I might have?
3. Realizing we cannot own other people’s feelings or reactions. All we can do is try and be considerate and kind. Their feelings are their own and not your responsibility.
4. Acknowledge and appreciate your efforts in trying successfully or unsuccessfully to resolve a conflict. Then then let it go.

Here are some great tips I found in an article in Psychology Today about embracing conflicts at the workplace. I love the tips but I’m going to spin them to relate in a more personal way.

1. Express your contrary opinion as an “and.” It’s not necessary for someone else to be wrong for you to be right. “I hear that you think we need to leave room in the budget for a customer event AND I’m concerned that we need that money for employee training. What are our options?
2. Use hypotheticals. If you don’t feel comfortable being assertive, try asking your friends or family to imagine a different scenario. In my experience, I am TOO hypothetical. If I am going to use this skill I need to dial back my imagination and approach it with more simplicity.
3. Talk about the impact of actions. Rather than disagreeing with the plan, help people think through the consequences by asking good open-ended questions about the impact. Ask about the underlying issue. If you disagree with a proposed action, start with discussion by trying to understand.

All these rational ideas of dealing with challenges and conflict are fine and dandy but they are not the reason I sat down to write this post. It was to talk about what I do best. When I start using my unique perspective to cut through the crap and see how I can change our collective present and future.

 

Some thoughts:

Yes, we absolutely need to prepare ourselves for inevitable challenges and conflict in life because it is where we are able to grow the most. Acceptance is important

I’ve decided that this will be my morning mantra. One of the greatest things I have learned when using affirmations to guide you in this world is to make sure you are grounded. That means planting your feet firmly on whatever ground you are standing on. You need to imagine your feet extend like roots of a tree as far as they can go. Be present.

The challenges I face today are made just for me. There is no one in this world who is better equipped to handle anything that comes my way. I was trained for this. I am battle ready with tools I do not have to fight this on my own. I have my faith in a higher power and a universe that is standing ready to help me become a conquerer. I will not feel defeat. I will feel growth.

The war is inside myself.

Through the fire we understand Resistance creates rewards of discipline.

You will never appreciate relaxation unless you have worked hard. One of the worst decisions you can make is to be comfortable.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor’s cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out –

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

xoxo, Kristin

Music moves me. It inspires me. It is necessary for me to live. When I pull out my MacBook and sit down to write, immediately the headphones go in and the music goes on. Starting now, the end of all my blog posts will have one song I feature that I helped me work up the courage to push Publish. Gotta say, I can’t get enough of Alessia Cara right now.  Her voice is haunting and I’m drawn to it. LOVE HER!!

Additional Blogging Playlist

Alessi Cara – Here

Would You Follow You – Motivation

The Light at the End of the Tunnel – Motivation

Not So Merry

I just went back a looked through all the blog posts that I haven’t published yet. Most of them are thoughts and stories that haven’t fully matured to the point where I feel comfortable enough to push the “Publish” button yet. Maybe January sometime. I just want you to know that I am still writing.

I was reading through some of my past posts and I reread the story about two Christmases ago. What a different time it was.

I’m not going to lie, I’m struggling. I hate this holiday. We sing of Joy and Happiness. But what happens when you don’t feel those things? I don’t know how many times people asked me around the holidays why I couldn’t just be happy. “C’mon Kristin, it is Christmas. What is there to be sad about?” A lot. Now leave me alone. I understand completely why the suicide rate is so high around the holidays. STOP putting pressure on yourselves and those around you to live up to an impossible standard. It is okay if you have some “magical” moments, BUT dang it! It is just as okay if you don’t. Remember your Savior. Celebrate that.

I have found quite the community of amazing BPD survivors like myself. And there is a firm and scary statistic associated with this illness. 1 in 10 people with Borderline Personality Disorder will complete suicide. ONE in TEN. Isn’t that just crazy? Survival rates for most cancers are higher than that ratio. So please let me urge you. No matter what side you are on, sick or not, PLEASE be kind to yourself over the next few weeks. Don’t push yourself more than you need to. This isn’t a time to reflect on this past year and hate yourself because you weren’t perfect. There was only one perfect person who has walked this earth and it is a time to celebrate his miraculous birth. Focus on Him. I know so many of you feel incredibly lonely over the holidays so can I recommend something that always works to wipe the looniness from my life? Go find someone to serve. Do something good for someone else every single day for the next week. Make it big or small I don’t care. Donate some money if you have it. Donate your time. Doesn’t matter, Just DO.

I am writing this because the old feelings are creeping back that I felt in years past. How much I hate this time of year. How I hate the expectations. How I don’t understand why I just can’t be like everyone else and enjoy it. But I’m taking my own advice. Service. I’m donating my time. I’m donating my money. I am trying to feel the calm in being around my dog, who doesn’t care if I’m not giddy because it is Christmas.

But the depression is still there. I stay in my bed longer than I should. Eating and showering become a chore. I’m trying to find my way through the fog. It is harder than anyone will ever know.

So, these may not work for me, but here is advice for you:

• Lower Your Expectations. This is a rule of mine. Realize what is important and prioritize carefully.
• Say no. This is one of my favorites that so many struggle with. Learn to be comfortable saying no and stop feeling guilty about it.
• Don’t compare the past with the present. This holiday season may be different than years past. Stay in the present and try to find joy in each day.
• Finally, Forgive yourself. You deserve forgiveness as much as anyone else.

Be kind to yourself always. Make small improvements every day because they will lead to fantastic changes for your future.

With as much love and light I can send your way,

xoxo – Kristin