The Hardest Thing

This post has been sitting here waiting to be published for about 3 months. It is very personal and I’m really having a hard time finding all the correct words. When I first started writing it, there was this glorious feeling inside my heart. I want you to feel that glorious feeling I did, and so it has taken me a long time to put everything together. But most important of all, this post is for me. I like read by blog all the time. Sometimes to find clarity, other times to find and correct mistakes. But this is one of those posts that I need to read when the world comes against me and tries to tear me down.

Okay, lets start and see where this goes.

If you can, imagine yourself before you came to this earth. Imagine all the things you were able to do and learn. The peace, the calm, the love. You developed talents and relationships. Eventually, you matured enough to make important decisions. Like the choice you made to come to this earth to be tested and challenged in every way possible.

I have a really easy ability to connect with my inner soul when I need to. When I become in tune, I feel my inner Spirit and the amazing power that she holds. The body she is in isn’t perfect. It is damaged. But some days she still finds a way to let her inner spark shine.

Okay. Now I really want you to think about this. Because this is what I know:

I am part of God’s army. I am one of His strongest Warriors. So are you – you just might not have realized it yet. My Heavenly Father has sent me to this earth with tools to survive. There are talents we nurtured before we came to this earth. We need to discover every single one and let them grow far and wide. As God’s Warrior we have a divine purpose and he is counting on us to do our part.

Have you connected enough with your inner Spirit to understand your divine purpose? I have. I lose myself a lot. I forget how truly great I am. But I know what I am here to do. I have many skills I have honed in learning to survive and traverse on Satan’s Playground. We are battling in enemy territory and it is a fight and a struggle for us each day. But you know what? I have a knockout punch in my corner AT ALL TIMES. We all do. No where does it say that Satan wins. No where. He is a big old bully but his day will come. And it is coming fast. Do you realize what the world has become? I try and tune it out and just put my head down and work. It is so painful to watch. But there is hope. We see remarkable acts of service and sacrifice. We are able to find moments of joy in a baby’s first laugh or smile. These are the precious gifts our Heavenly Father has given to us to remind us of where we came from. That evil will not win.

Something else I understand and hopefully this concept make sense. Without opposition, there would be no happiness, without change we wouldn’t grow, and if we never grew then what is the point of suffering?

Pain has Purpose.

Without my intense experiences and the pain and sorrow I felt, I wouldn’t know the joy to finally be at peace. And I wouldn’t be able to write these words.

I am a deep thinker. I like to ask the hard questions that have no answers here on this earth. Sometimes I think that my own brain knows that not big enough to comprehend what I want to know. I need to understand everything. I want all the answers now.

My blog is a no judgement zone. Here is what I know.

Seth and I knew each other before we came to this earth. The first time I sat by him chills ran up my spine. I knew I loved him in that instant. I have never felt anything so powerful and overwhelming. Pure joy. My daughters that I have been blessed with on this earth are greater than me in every way. They teach me things I would have never known. They love me unconditionally and my damaged spirit craves their understanding. I honestly imagine that they were some of my closest friends in my life before. Next thought. I chose this life. I agreed to everything I have experienced. I prepared myself with tools and talents to survive the test my Heavenly Father has given me. My failures move me forward not back. When I fail it means I am trying. That I haven’t given up. HE blesses me when I fall. And picks me back up so I can try again.

You might not understand this or think I’m crazy for believe this, but I think in the afterlife we will live again on other worlds with each other. If we are continually striving to learn more, then how else must it be done but through experience. We may not have the opposition of Satan in these places but we still need to grow. We definitely won’t be singing in choirs for eternity. We have so much more to do. We all have greatness inside of us. Beautiful, glorious greatness. How exciting and wonderful is that?

We will go home and be heroes for surviving. These are the last days. We are one of the greatest generations to ever live on this earth. Every generation that comes after us will be greater than the one before. The challenges they face will be harder, but they are ready. They are stronger and more capable. There is an equal and opposite reaction in all things. One of God’s laws. Don’t worry. The greater the world falls into darkness and chaos, the greater the righteous Warriors sent to this Earth will be. Equal and Opposite. The Power God is sending to this earth to battle Satan’s destruction is more amazing than we will ever know.

Do you think what I’m saying has any merit? Personally I’m not worried of peoples opinions. I just want to open your minds to think about greater things than just the challenges of this life. Start being the Greatness that God has given your inner spirit. Find that connection. Be still. Listen. Let the truth wash over you. Discover what you believe. And then share that light with the world.

xoxo,

Kristin

Losing Body Parts

I covered in the last post the part about feeling really off balance lately. And I know it is the lovely thing in my life called my necessary, but awful radical Hysterectomy. Any time a surgeon takes a scalpel to your body and removes necessary organs it can’t be a good thing. I was fortunate though to have a robot perform my hysterectomy, so I guess I can blame “it” for my troubles. It is called a da Vinci Procedure where the surgeon operates the robot who does all the cutting and laser-ing . Check out these pictures … kinda crazy right?

It is the latest and greatest in technology and if you absolutely MUST have a hysterectomy, the da Vinci is the way to go! Recovery time was less than 10 days compared to up to six weeks for a normal procedure. I had my surgery right before Christmas and so being able to be out of bed and with my family was a huge blessing.

Want to know an absolute miracle? The doctor who I had been seeing for 3 years is one of 5 surgeons in the entire state of Arizona that is certified to perform this procedure. Coincidence? You know I don’t believe in those.

But I have learned some awesomely awful things since the hysterectomy in trying to resolve some of my side effects. Like this: Doctors only replace 3 hormones, estrogen, progesterone, testosterone after a hysterectomy, but your body actually makes 13 different hormones in your reproductive system. Now THAT is a problem!

Weight Gain. I reached out to my fellow hystersisters to try and figure out what in the world was happening to my body in the months after the surgery only to discover that 90% of women who have a hysterectomy have unexplained weight gain. And I’m not talking 10 pounds here. The stories are sad. I read 3 stories just last night from women who are exercise instructors and they can’t stop the weight gain and it is destroying their careers and their self-esteem. I have gained about 20 pounds since my hysterectomy and it is something I struggle with every day. I am so incredibly thankful that I am not in constant pain anymore but it is an unfortunate reality that it has been a trade off.

But it is a New Year. Time for a new direction. I have to figure out a New way to deal with it because it is reality. Nothing sugar coated here.

But now you need to see the positive side of the hysterectomy. The part that saved my marriage. I mentioned before that I never thought I would have kids because the doctors specifically told me to never have children. But I am blessed with 3 beautiful, talented, amazing girls. I also talked about the toll getting pregnant, and the aftermath has on my body and mind. The IV pole story, and of course the severe long lasting postpartum depression. Seth put up with it like a hero for the most part. He was more patient than anyone could have expected. So were my parents. But it was ugly. I felt distant from the new little miracle in my life. It was painful and I felt like a complete failure.

Before the hysterectomy there was always the possibility that an unplanned pregnancy might occur. And it was a scary thought for both Seth and I. But the idea of a hysterectomy never came to mind until the unexplainable pain began. When they actually removed my uterus (by cutting it into a million pieces) they determined that it was quite normal. And there was really no explanation for the pain other than it was slightly tilted. But I have never had one regret about the surgery. I lifted a burden that I didn’t know I was carrying. The heaviness was gone. I feel my family is complete for now and I feel at peace. Seth agrees. Weird as it may seem I don’t think we could have reconciled the way we did if having more kids was on the table. It removed a huge barrier in front of us and I am extremely grateful. My Heavenly Father knows exactly what he is doing. And I am smart and resourceful enough to find a way to balance my body and lose the weight. I believe that anything is possible with enough faith, followed by action.

The next blog post you get to read a crazy story about my Warrior Spirit. It was one I wrote after an intense dream I had and I’m excited to share. It was profound for me and hopefully it will be for you as well.

****And by the way that picture of my girls sums up their personalities EXACTLY! They are amazing and imperfect like all of us in the most beautiful way possible!

Life is Good … and Addictions?

Never in my wildest dream did I think life would ever be this great. My family and I are together and whole. I have amazing friends and I love my job “When you love your job so much, it isn’t work.” Seth is excelling and showing the world just how talented he is. My girls are thriving and growing up fast. They are beautiful and healthy and amaze me every day. And I’m doing what I can do to pay this forward. There are still minor corrections I need to make to keep on course, but overall life is GOOD! Well .. most of the time.

One moment we haven’t covered of hundreds more is the hysterectomy. I know you are thinking “What in the world? She just said life is so good, why go back?” Because the past is what got my life to BE good. So I have to tell it. And I said I would cover addictions, so why not talk about it now as well.

During the months leading up to the hysterectomy I can hardly recall most of the experiences because I was so drugged up, which has actually been a huge blessing sort of?. In July 2012 I started to feel massive pains in my stomach and pelvis. It left my crying in my bed, curled up in a ball almost every day. Ladies, imagine the worst cramps you have ever felt, then times it by 100. They were unpredictable and would come on at the worst possible moments. I was barely recovering from the mental anguish and hospitalizations and now a new and awful assault on my body emerged. Here is some backstory: When I was 20, I had surgery to remove endometriosis and large cysts that had grown on my ovaries. At the time they thought I would lose one of my ovaries because of how large and severe the cysts had become. But my Surgeon was able to save it, and the cysts went away for a time. But more surgeries were required.

So here is the problem with pain. I was prescribed very addictive medication when I was just 16. It provided me an escape from all the ugly things that would race through my head. It was an escape from the bullying. It was an escape for anything and everything. Any excuse and I would go right back to my anxiety meds. There were so many lies I told myself over the years.

“A doctor wouldn’t prescribe me this type of medication unless he thought I really needed it. At least I’m not taking illegal drugs. I’m not a druggie, I just have anxiety. My life is really hard so I deserve a little reprieve. I can stop anytime I want.”

That is where it began. And OH, the Ambien stories people could tell about me. The antics were crazy, but I was actually more fun when I took it – at least I thought I was more fun. It never did help me sleep like it was supposed to. Maybe I’ll have my sister do a guest blog post, Kristin’s Ambien Antics, a Look through the Years… OH, they were that crazy and deserve their own post! Singing the National Anthem in a public restaurant, stealing all the dinner rolls by dumping them into my purse and then jumping on a private boat … yup I did that! I’m pretty sure the psychiatrist who prescribed me the Xanax and Ambien when I was 16 lost his license later on. **Not because of me though.

Anyway. I happen to be allergic to Codeine. Many of you might know that most pain medications contain a synthetic form of codeine. So when I am in pain, I don’t have many options. The options I do have are powerful and highly addictive.

I gave birth to my daughter in February and the pain started at the end of July. I was given SO much pain medicine it was crazy. I actually got to the point where I only felt normal if I took some the minute I woke up in the morning. I was referred to a pain clinic because of the amounts of narcotics I needed. We went through alternative treatments. I had needles inserted deep into my abdomen with numbing medication so I could try to not take so many pain meds and start to function a little in my life. Start being a mom again. It didn’t work and was INSANELY awful!!

Reality finally set in. I had a Laparoscopy in October to determine what was going on and they saw an issue with my uterus. When I delivered my last daughter it cause trauma to my uterus which resulted in it being tilted. I finally decided I had enough. It had to go.

This decision wasn’t taken lightly. But to be honest, after all I experience when I’m pregnant, then post-pregnancy I couldn’t ever image having another baby. EVER. So it was decided. The week before Christmas I would have a hysterectomy.

The uterus is gone by new problems have arisen. My body hasn’t figured out how to function without normal hormones and I go through phases of menopause. We didn’t have enough money to get it all checked out at the time, but the process of fixing it is finally starting. I gained 20 pound in just a few months after the hysterectomy. Tough for a person with an eating disorder to wrap my head around. Anyway. A subject for another day.

If it worked to resolve the pain then I vowed to never take another pain pill in my life. No matter the circumstance.  But the problem is I am still an addict in recovery. In my teenage years the anxiety meds would run out and alcohol took its place. Just a few years ago I was prescribed Adderall to stop my racing mind. Addict. Compulsive Shopping. Addict. Work? Addict.

Want to know why I work so much? It is the most healthy way I have found to relieve the pain that is my life. It gives me purpose and it grounds me. Yes, I’m still addicted. I’m addicted to the feeling I get when I help someone grow and become someone they never thought they could be. I’m addicted to the feeling I get when I can help someone move forward in their life with renewed purpose. It happens over and over and I will never get over the feeling. Serving others has saved my life. That gives me purpose, which helps me rise above the demons of my destructive, family destroying addictions.

I need to remember to post about WHY the pain started in the first place. You will never believe it. There is no mystery, it was part of the plan. I see the bigger picture of my life. The hysterectomy was part of what saved my marriage. It is absolutely crazy!

wishing you love and light today,

Kristin