I just have to take a moment to say thanks to all those who sent me such kind messages, texts, emails and even dropped things by my home. It has been amazing to hear from people I don’t even know about how my stories have affected them as they have been following my blog. This world is so difficult for all of us, and what I am finding is that we all have a lot more in common that we would ever think! Thank you for sharing the LOVE!
I didn’t get a chance to talk about the DBT Skill “Distress Tolerance” in Part 2. The post ended up being longer than I thought. So I will cover it later this week, as well as my Hysterectomy and the reason for it and the awful side effects after the fact.
Some of my next topics for you all to look forward to:
Stalker “Max”. He antics are a TRIP! He wasn’t dangerous. Just always there. Literally. I will never forget the day that Seth answered my apartment door, and there stood poor Max. Holding a VERY belated birthday present for me. OH and his mom had to drive him there because at 21 years old he still didn’t have a license. OH MY!! #teamSeth rocked it! (ewwww, what if he is reading this right now? Now that would be creepy!)
The Crazy Anesthesiologist. I lived at her house for a while when I was 18 and she was one of the most corrupt Dr’s I have ever met. Let’s just say she “Operated” Under the Influence… of Drugs.
The Mafia Runner. This one is a sad story. I dated a boy when I was 16 who was wanted by the Las Vegas Mob for reasons I will explain. No happy endings there.
The Cheerleader. I became friends with her at 13 years old and it is a story straight out of “Mean Girls”.
AND there are MORE. Most of them aren’t as sad or hard to write as the two posts I just published. ANYWAY. Happy Reading.
If you haven’t read PART 1 yet, please read it before this post.
“You can recognize survivors of abuse by their courage. When silence is so very inviting, they step forward and share their truth so others know they aren’t alone.”
Let’s finish this up. Hopefully no one had a heart attack with Part 1. Ummm, I about did, but I am just hoping and praying people understand why I had to write it. Because you won’t understand what comes next and my particular mindset without those pieces of information. This is the longest post I have written on my blog so there will be no pictures, just words.
Aftermath
Where do I begin? I didn’t go to the police. I could barely remember what happened and I felt humiliated and ashamed. I thought I had been safe enough. But I hadn’t. It didn’t even seem real. And deep down inside I knew that it must have somehow ben my fault. It had to have been right? I remember exactly what I was wearing. Jeans and a cute black top. Nothing crazy. He was a predator and I got caught in his trap. I don’t even remember his name. I blocked him out. But the damage was done. I started drinking. I have never done illegal drugs, but I used my prescription drugs as my biggest escape, often accompanied with alcohol. I didn’t deserve to live with the thoughts and images that would run through my mind. So I made my first “official” attempt to take my life. I had no idea what I was doing and it didn’t work. My parents caught it early enough that the ER was able to administer the nastiest black charcoal down my throat to absorb the pills. I was hospitalized for a short time in a nearby hospital’s mental health unit but released within 4 days. And after that I realized I didn’t know much about trying to take my life and a few pills wasn’t going to cut it. There was another attempt in between, I can’t remember, really. They are all blurred together. I know that I did take an entire bottle of my benzodiazepines which resulted in a 4 month memory loss. <– THAT was interesting for sure! I was dating a bunch of guys at the time and I think 3 or 4 of them were named Jared. Very confusing because they came to visit me in the hospital and I had no idea who they were. I become a great actress and pretended like I knew what was happening in my life. I failed miserably.
I was living in an alternate reality. Because I had tried to overdose on all my prescription medications, I couldn’t get access to anything stronger. So for my final attempt that year I just took what was available. Almost an entire bottle of aspirin mixed with alcohol. After that I remember waking up in the ICU. I don’t know how I got there, but I knew that I was mad that I was still alive. My parents weren’t there and I panicked. I started to pull out the IV in my left arm and an orderly came in to try and stop me. It was then I noticed that I couldn’t hear out of my right ear. And that entire right side of my body was numb. I had damaged my liver so bad by using the worst thing ever …. Aspirin. My liver has never been the same, but thankfully my hearing returned and most of the nerve damage is gone. Except for in my left hand where I pulled out my IV.
When the orderly tried to stop me I ended up fighting back, screaming for my parents – and apparently I kicked him pretty hard. Well, it just so happens that they decided to call the police. They determined I was ready to be released to another Mental Health Facility and I got handcuffed and put in the back of the Sherriff’s police car. I was angry. REALLY angry. Mostly that I was still alive. It was a 40 minute drive to the hospital so while I was sitting in the back of the police car I decided it would be fun to get out of the handcuffs and surprise the Sheriff. He had been really mean in the first place. So I got out of the handcuffs after 20 minutes of trying. I still have the scars on my wrists from using the handcuffs to cut through my skin to get out. Once he stopped the police car I opened my door and he freaked out because I took off. But I soon realized that I wasn’t going to get very far so I walked back. He was NOT happy. Anyway. I was admitted to the University of Utah’s Neuropsychiatric Unit. (UNI). Out of all my hospitalizations I have had in the past 13 years this is BY FAR the best Mental Hospital out there. This may sound crazy (me recommending a Psych Hospital), but who knows, right? If you or one of your family members are ever in a position to need the help of that type of hospital and you happen to be in Utah. Take them to UNI. Don’t even mess around with anywhere else. It is a really great facility! I spent quite a long time there. They got me on a medication that actually helped. And by the time I was released I felt changed. The “changed” part didn’t last long. But the medication did. I am currently still on the same medicine they gave me at UNI. It has saved my life.
From then on I only dated the damaged. And that is putting it kindly. They are really the only people that I thought would understand the experiences that I suffered. I would never be put in a situation like that again so I only dated people that I thought needed saving because they were worse off than me. I would be in charge of the relationship and have power and control over everything that happened from then on out. But when two damaged people get in to a relationship, what do you think the outcomes are? I can tell you. Nothing good.
I met Jay* at a movie. I was there with a bunch of girlfriends and they dared me to go sit next to this group of guys 4 rows below us. Well I never backed away from a challenge so I went and sat next to him and struck up a conversation. I would have never guessed that we would date each other on and off for almost two years. I know that one of the reasons I always went back to him after our short break ups was because his family had taken me in. I was treated like a daughter and as a family they were always doing fun and crazy things. But another reason? They took care of each other. No one messed with them. His dad had influence and money, and they collected guns. In fact, Jay always kept one in his car. He told me that no one would hurt me ever again, and if he knew then men who had hurt me, he would kill them. Coming from him it wasn’t an idle threat. And for a time it made me feel safe.
Over time though I would have moments when I would wake up and realize how bad the relationship was. We were both drunk all the time. We were completely co-dependent and we had broken up and gotten back together more than 10 times. Then one day I decided I had finally had enough. We were in a toxic relationship and I couldn’t take it anymore. It had been two years, I was almost 21 and I was ready to move on. So I made it official. I moved into an apartment with a friend and didn’t tell him where. The phone calls from him became non-stop. Every day I would get at least 10 messages crying for me to take him back. Then one day I listened to a message “Kristin, I wont do this. I won’t live without you in my life. It just isn’t worth it. I would rather be dead, so that is what’s going to happen if you don’t come back to me.” Classic manipulation right? But I had obviously cared about him for long enough and didn’t want him to hurt himself. So I met him a couple times that week to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. In my mind, I was clear to make sure he knew that we weren’t getting back together, I just don’t think his mind would accept the fact. And I know he didn’t think it was a possibility that I would ever really be gone. I had always come back to him after our breakups. Why not this time?
I had begun dating other people. I was trying to enjoy my life. And the phone calls finally started to slow down. Then one day his sister called me and I knew it had to be bad. So he and I agreed to meet in my works parking lot. I got in his truck to talk to him. Of anyone, I knew what it felt like to feel suicidal. We drove around for a while talking and during our conversation I got a phone call from one of the people I was dating. He knew that I was meeting Jay, and wanted to make sure I was doing okay. Well, that was the WORST time for the phone call because the conversation between Jay and I wasn’t going well.
As much as I wanted to save him from himself, this time would be different. I wouldn’t allow myself to be pulled back in to our relationship. I answered the phone because we had what I thought was a safety plan in place. I had a quick conversation with the guy. I let him know where I was. Hinted to him that things were getting bad. Then I hung up. And that is when things went from bad to beyond worse.
“Is that him Kristin? Is that the new guy trying to take my place? You know he will never treat you as well as I can right? Why do you even bother? Just come back to me.”
I responded quite but firmly that it was over. We were done. I think in Jay’s mind it finally set in. It was over. I had moved on. But he had told me before. He wouldn’t live without me. I just had never really taken it as seriously as I should. He had never been a physically violent person TO ME. But he was extremely possessive and mentally abusive. I had known that all along.
I asked him to please take me back to my car. I remember the exact road we were driving down. Two lanes on one side, two lanes on the other. Thankfully it was pretty late at night by this time when he decided to cross the center lane putting us directly in line with oncoming traffic. He gunned his truck as fast as it would go. And it could go FAST. He was a mechanic and had upgraded every part possible. He weaved in and out of the traffic while I screamed and begged him to stop. I’m sure by that point we were going about 70-80 miles per hour, maybe more. I don’t know what saved us. Actually, I do, but they are not of this world, but they try and watch out for me the best they can.
At any time he could have driven the truck off the side of the road and we would have flipped. But he just kept gunning the truck and weaving in and out of the cars driving straight for us. I was screaming at him to stop. That I would do anything to make him stop. “THEN stop dating other guys.” Okay. “We are meant to be together” Sure, I know we are. “I know you love me.” Of course I do. It seemed to calm him down and he moved back to to the correct lane. As we got about a mile away back in the direction to my work he let his truck slow down. He puled to where I had parked at work and I kid you not.
Jay, “So what are we doing tomorrow? We are going out right?”. Ummmmmm. WHAT??? NO! Are you kidding me? You just about killed us!! “But you said things would be fine. You said WE would be fine.” Of course I did. I would do anything to make you stop. — Okay, WHY did I say anything? I just should have gone along with it. I saw the rage light back up in his eyes. The truck had stopped so I got out an ran. I couldn’t find the keys to my car, but I was the manage er my office and I did find the keys to my work. I ran to the door and unlocked the deadbolts as fast as I could. As soon as I got in I disabled the security alarm and immediately reset it to arm. Thankfully he stayed in his truck.
Looking back I can realize how naive I really was. I was just 21 years old but at that point it felt like I had a lifetime of experiences. I can look back now and see the slow progression into the very emotional and psychological abusive relationship Jay and I had. Years of abuse, manipulation and control.
He could see me through the floor to ceiling glass windows at my work and I made a phone call from the landline inside. My cell phone was almost dead. Like a scene out of a freaking horror movie. I don’t know how many minutes went by, but I know he saw me make the call and he finally he drove away. I’m sure he thought I had called the police. I hadn’t. The city I worked in was where Jay lived. Most of the police in that neighborhood were his families friends. They had been to his house for big neighborhood BBQ’s. Remember the influence his family had? There was no way I was going to risk it. There were other reasons I had issues trusting the police from years before. Thinking back there are so many stories from the time I was 16-20 that would blow your mind. Maybe I will write those later. Well, you know I will but not yet.
My phone call was actually to the guy friend I was dating. I let him know where I was and that I was locked in at my work. That Jay decided to drive away. I found my car keys. Walked carefully to my car and drove home. I got to my apartment, laid down and shook for hours. And I didn’t hear from him again for over a month.
Can I tell you what is amazing (that actually makes me cry more than the awful things that have happened over that 2 years)? After all that, God sent someone to save me. He came into my life and helped heal my soul. He is my rock. He is what keeps me tethered to this world. God knew what I needed, He always has. And He sent me one of the greatest men that have ever existed on the face of this earth. The day Seth and I met, my SOUL KNEW his soul. I sat next to him and I couldn’t stop the rush of electricity that overtook my body. I could finally breathe. I thank God for him every single day. That is the beauty in all this. I went through Hell to be introduced to Heaven. Which I see in the face of my husband and my little girls. Utter Heaven.
I will tell how Seth and I met in another post because I don’t want it to be part of this one. Needless to say I met Seth and I KNEW. I knew we were meant to be within a matter of hours. He took a little more convincing. But it was decided. We were getting married.
Jay’s story isn’t over. He found out I was getting married and his life crumbled. I got a voicemail from him asking if it was true. And that his life was over if it was. So I made what would be my final phone call to him. He answered and he sounded sick, but calm at the same time. I told him that yes, I was getting married. He took a big sigh and told me that he hoped I would be happy. And I told him that I was. Then I heard a bunch of metal hitting metal. Bullets. I heard the cylinder of his revolver spin and click in to place. Then I heard the trigger being pulled. No shot went off. The gun had misfired. Maybe in his rush to get the bullets in they didn’t go in properly. I didn’t plead with him anymore. I was tired. We had played this game too many times. So I told him I was sorry and I hung up the phone.
And that was that. I never heard from him again. Occasionally I would search the obituaries to see if his name was listed. It never was, so I knew he was around. To this day he still affects my life and decisions. I am scared of him. I am scared for me and for my family. Especially in the first few years of our marriage. I was worried about what he would do to Seth more than me. Seth is this amazing soul and there was no way I was going to let him get pulled in to that world. I have seen Jay on 3 different occasions over the last 10 years. The last time I saw him was in 2010. Eight years after that experience. I had just had my 2nd daughter and we were at the County Far. I was pushing my daughter in her stroller and we came up to a booth and I could hear his voice. It is very distinctive and a voice I will never forget in my lifetime. Apparently he had quit his job as a mechanic and started working the family business. No surprise there. What is crazy is the minute I heard his voice and my eyes saw his face I didn’t hesitate. I left the stroller and I turned around and ran. He didn’t see me, thank goodness and don’t think I’m a bad mom … Let me explain. Seth was right behind me with our oldest daughter and he grabbed the stroller and came over to where I had stopped. Keep in mind. THIS IS EIGHT YEARS LATER! All Seth said to me was “Is it him?” I nodded, and we left. And I had nightmares and didn’t leave my house for weeks.
In all of this I never mentioned that my friend (that I had called after the attempted assault) ended up stalking me for three years and Seth actually had to get involved in that one. Jay’s story is hard enough to tell without Max* being thrown in to the mix as well. I attracted the weirdest people during that time, my goodness. Another day.
Anyway. I feel the safest I have ever felt now. And it is because I live a state away from all the madness. I know I am not going to run in to either of them at the store. I’m not going to see them. The nightmares have almost stopped. Thankfully after I saw Jay at the fair in 2010 Seth got in to Pharmacy School and we moved away. It is the biggest relief ever.
I have looked him up on Facebook twice now. He has never married. But I looked before I wrote this and it looks like he and a girlfriend just had a baby. Good for him. I hope he is happy. And I hope he never thinks about me. An angry Jay is someone no one should ever have to be around. I pray for them.
I hope my family will understand why I feel I can never move back to that part of Utah. I didn’t have a life when I lived there. I stayed inside and let it eat me alive. So let me have my space for now and give me more time to heal.
*Names have been changed for my family’s safety.
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For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder to write the things I did in this post, I had to pull some MAJOR skills out of my tool box. I will cover in Part 2 the DBT Skill called “Distress Tolerance”. It is a tough skill to learn, but amazing if you can master it. My parents might need to use that skill while reading these posts.
I am taking a deep breath right now and hoping I can make it through writing these stories out. These are things that have been haunting me since they happened. And it isn’t fair to not include them in my story. They will be the hardest posts I have written to date, which might be surprising based on my previous content. So fasten your seat belts… I’m not sharing these stories on a whim. I rarely talk about these times in my life, but I feel it’s really important to share my experiences because so many young girls are still going through what I went through. Relationship violence and date rape are devastating young lives. It’s time to put an end to the abuse…..and it’s time for everyone to understand that actions have consequences.
I share this story to let girls everywhere know that you are strong……and you are not alone.
I like facts and statistics so let’s begin there.
You should be able to click on the photo to make it easier to read. But let’s start with the very sad statistic that 1 in 4 women have been raped or suffered attempted rape. As I struggle to write this I am going to keep that in mind. Because there are too many of you out there who this has happened to and someone needs to shed some light and open the freakin door and say THIS IS NOT OKAY!
I was 18 years old I had already been through so many tough experiences. I had suffered extreme bullying. I had been using prescription drugs as a way to control my life, and to be honest, I just didn’t care much about anything. Thankfully I was able to attend college instead of going to my senior year of high school and it was a great way to get away from the people that made my life a living hell. Let’s be honest, I was all around pretty mad at the world. So I didn’t take the precautions that I hope and pray my daughters will take when going on a date.
I dated pretty much anyone and everyone. I really didn’t care who. I just wanted to have fun and escape my problems. We were just getting into the age of meeting people online and I met and dated a few people from there. And one person I went on a date with was just a cute guy I met at a gas station. I was impulsive and loved surprising people so when he talked to me, I responded back.
I really want to highlight the fact that “25 percent of men surveyed believed that rape was acceptable if the woman asks the man out, the man pays for the date or the woman goes back to the man’s room after the date.” ALSO … 33% of guys said they would rape someone if they knew it would go undetected. WHAT THE HELL is that about?
So I went on a date with the cute guy I met at the gas station. He bought me dinner. We both liked to play video games and so I went back to his house where he had told me people would be there to play a new video game he had purchased for us. When we got there no one was home but he said they would be back anytime. “Don’t worry.” he said. He turned on the video game console and I didn’t really think much about it at first. UNTIL he asked me if he could get me a drink. I remember joking with him, “Yeah right, I’ll get my own water. Don’t want you spiking my drink. haha” Just so you know. The entire time I was at his house “waiting” for the other people to get there so we weren’t alone, my intuition/inner spirit/heavenly angels were SCREAMING at me to leave! The sirens were going off inside my head and heart and the panic started to set in. He drove on our date so I didn’t have a car, but I should have called someone to pick me up. And even though nothing had happened yet, if I HAD a car I hope beyond hope I would have mustered up the strength and courage to trust my instincts and go.
I’m going to be real with you for a second. I feel like as a society, women have been trained to be too polite, especially with the culture in Utah. I don’t know how many times I have done something just so the other person didn’t feel uncomfortable even though it made my skin crawl. I’m not sure how to overcome this problem, but it needs to start being addressed.
Anyway, that was that. My first sexual assault and attempted rape. I resisted hard enough and kicked him in enough sensitive places that he swore at me and finally let me go. And after all that he ended up driving me home as fast as his truck would go. He wouldn’t even take me all the way to my house. He told me I didn’t deserve for him to waste his gas taking me anywhere (as his squealing tires took each curve). “What did you expect you bleep bleep bleep?? I bought you dinner and everything.” And these are the words of the entire experience that I will never forget. “What did you expect? I BOUGHT YOU DINNER”
After that I called a friend of mine. He told me to go to the police. I knew that I couldn’t. I knew that I knew better than to go to his house. I knew that I should have worn something different. I knew that I should have called someone when I felt something was wrong. I knew I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. I knew that I didn’t want to be made to feel shame because he tried to rape me. Because all those things added up to this in my head: “It was my fault.” And no one could tell me different.
I tried to move on and just forget it all. I buried it like I did everything else uncomfortable in my life. Now this is the part that I am really dreading to write. Because you are probably going to be screaming at me as you read it.
A few months later I met a guy for a date. I took precautions. I thought I was being safe (as safe as an 18 year old can ever think she is being). I drove this time. He paid for dinner. And then we walked through part of downtown Salt Lake and I paid for dessert. We went to an art exhibit or something. Now if you didn’t know better you would be thinking. “Okay. She is out of the woods. Safe”. But we all know that isn’t how this story goes. To be honest. I’m not sure of how the story goes. I can’t remember what made me go inside his house. For those that don’t know I am an avid reader. It is one of my favorite escapes. I’m pretty sure he told me he had a first edition of one of my favorite books? I’m not quite sure. I have a few lucid memories from that night after we ate dessert. But what I do know for a FACT. He put something in my drink, drugged me, and raped me. There are moments during the rape that I can recall clear as day as I type this. I can remember thinking how was this possibly happening. I can remember how it felt to have his body press so hard against mine. I remember a few of the things he said during the assault. And I’m not going to go into too much depth. My heart is already racing as it is.
BREATHE Kristin. I said it. Do you know how difficult it is to say the word “rape” and “me” in the same sentence? Probably not. I have worked on this post for a month. I have cried a lot. And I still cry about it. Maybe that is why I have felt so awful lately. But even through my tears right now I am telling you. I need to tell these stories and I need them to be shared. I have prayed about it and prayed HARD! Would I love to pretend that all this never happened to me? Of course. But who does that help? No one. And I can guarantee you. If the numbers are correct and 1 in 4 women are victims of sexual assault then there are FAR too many women of all ages that need to hear this!! And know that yes, my road has been hard. Harder than anyone knows. And I have suffered the unthinkable. But look at me? Through it all? I have amazing parents. An amazing Husband. Beautiful Daughters and a GOOD LIFE!! So if I can overcome, you can as well. We are Daughters of our Heavenly Father who LOVES us! We are His WARRIORS here on earth! I will continue to fight the good fight. Will you join with me?
And by the way, if a 28 year old guy asks you (a barely legal 18 year old) out on a date … RUN AWAY NOW! That guy was 28 years old working on his PhD in some type of Molecular or Chemical Biology Engineering. AND I did question at first when he asked me on a date. Why a 28 year old guy who is getting his PhD would want to date an 18 year old girl. Now I know.
I’m going to stop here for this post because I am guessing that is a lot to take in. I will post the rest tomorrow about some of the aftermath. And in that same post I’m going to tell you about “Jay”. The guy who I dated for almost 2 years after these events who actually helped me get past a lot of this. And then, (spoiler alert) when I tried to break up with him, he attempted to kill us both. And almost succeeded. Digest that for a while.
Please Support Rainn! The work they are doing and light they are shedding on such a difficult topic is remarkable! Their hotline is 1-800-656-HOPE. You can call in anonymously! Here are other great hotlines as well.
You are MORE than welcome to contact me! These are tough subjects. I get it. The Comments here are NOT made public. They are sent only to me.
Eye Opening Honesty 