Greater Is Coming

God says “The reason some people have turned against you and walked away from you without reason, has nothing to do with you. It is because I have removed them from your life because they cannot go where I am taking you next. They will only hinder you in your next level because they have already served their purpose in your life. Let them go and keep moving. Greater is coming.” Says the Lord.

I am experiencing so many mixed emotions right now. I have to believe that greater is coming. I just need to hang on through the chaos. If you have the ability, I would love any prayers or kind thoughts you can send my way.

Please enjoy your family through this holiday season. Don’t take them for granted. Love them deep and be sure they know it. Those three words have more power than we could ever know.

Hang in there with me. I need you right now. More to come.

xoxo,

Kristin

 

Breaking Point

“Show me somebody who’s gone through divorce without feeling deep aching loneliness and I’ll show you somebody who never felt love.”

May 2015

I have dreaded writing this. I think because I feel like it invalidates so many of my blog posts. It feels like failure. I am tired of this cycle. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. The pain is so tangible I can almost reach out and touch it. I can’t breathe. I feel paralyzed by fear and loneliness.

I have to stop the pain. Numb it, destroy it.

In April of 2015 I reached a very difficult breaking point. It was ugly. In order to save my life, I picked up and moved with my 3 and 4 year old girls to Utah. It was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made, but I needed to be surrounded by family. My oldest daughter wanted to finish school in Arizona before she joined us. I left her with Seth for 6 very long weeks. Honestly, I was losing my mind being by myself in Arizona. I was in crisis and not having family around when so many traumatic things were taking place was not healthy. My 3am panicked phone calls to my parents had to stop. I had to find a way out. 

When I got to Utah it was like I could finally breathe again. In Arizona it was just me, Seth and the girls. We were in a never ending cycle of crazy, living in a tiny fishbowl. He and I aren’t great at communication, never have been. We struggle with our differences.

But I had to face reality.

Could I fight for my girls? Was I strong enough to finally let go of my marriage? I fought so hard to make it work. I fought hard to “fix” and make up for my shortcomings. I’ve always felt like the challenges that I faced in my life are destroyers. They destroy dreams. They destroy relationships. And then finally, they destroy people. Because they are a burden it means I am a burden. The challenges are difficult so I am difficult. The shame and responsibility I feel for these failures never ends.

It was time to break down all the ways I had convinced myself I was horrible. To regain my self-worth.

You are not a good mother.

You are a terrible wife.

You are a failure.

Come on, look at everybody else who has it together. Why don’t you? 

Lies.

Goodness. Life is messy. It is not cookie-cutter and Pinterest boards.

Trying is not failing and forgiveness is incredibly powerful. I needed to find a way to be a good mother my way and finally forgive myself. Let my past be exactly that. The past.

I began to do my research on Arizona child custody laws. Getting advice from attorneys and I started taking the proper steps to make that happen. This was a really big moment for me. I started participating in my life again. I had to let my work go. I needed time to organize all of my thoughts and to put my girls first. I tried really hard.

But the loneliness kept creeping in. Enveloping me at night. How long can I stay in bed before someone notices I haven’t showered in 5 days? Please don’t see me. Please let me be invisible for just another day. Maybe things will be better tomorrow. Maybe …

Surviving Suicide

Please note: This was originally written at the end of April 2015. The subject matter can be difficult to read. Trigger warning. 

“You weren’t meant to do this alone. If you’re constantly putting on a front that you have it all together, other people will start to believe that you really do have it all together. So, I challenge you to be honest with trusted friends and family. Share your struggles with them and let them help carry your burdens and encourage you. Because the truth is: you were never meant to do this alone.”

APRIL 21, 2015

Recently I was criticized for being so honest and baring my soul on these pages. It hurt. I believe that in order to write the things I do, it takes courage. It requires me to be vulnerable and it is far from easy. It helps me heal and I will never apologize for being honest. If you don’t want to know about me and my life then just don’t read it. Heavens. 

Anyway, I really didn’t expect to sit down and write this tonight. I wasn’t sure if I was ready. But then I read this article about Natalie’s Story and I decided that I needed to get this out there while it was at the forefront of my mind and while I felt brave enough to tell this part of my story.

So we all know I suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you don’t know what that is, please click on the link to read about it. You never know, it just might change your life. I hear from people all the time that never knew this disorder existed until they read my story and all the sudden their life, or a life of a family member finally makes sense.

This week I have been feeling a wide range of emotions. I feel inadequate, worthless and unworthy. My mind tells me I am the worst mother and my kids would be better off without me. You know, I honestly thought my marriage had changed. I thought we were finally moving forward. But really it was just the calm before the storm. The hurricane was still brewing.

His love was a lie. How could I be so blind? I feel betrayed and hopeless.

I knew. I knew that the changes I made weren’t enough and they never would be. Why couldn’t I just be good enough for once? Is that really to hard to ask? Seriously. Everyone around me could be normal, why not me? Why couldn’t I just give my husband the life he wanted?

Last week I sat on this overpass at 2am for hours. Just staring down and thinking what it would feel like to jump. I have sat on many overpasses in my life. Willing myself the courage to take the leap. I took this picture while I was sitting there. I was mesmerized by the cars lights. I always wonder where the people are going. Are they going home? What type of life do they live? What struggles do they face? Are they happy? Is anyone happy?

I have attempted suicide many times. There are many blog posts dedicated to them. Especially the one that changed my life in 2013. But I have learned from my failed attempt experiences. I knew there were two options to ensure that all this pain would finally end. I didn’t have access to the first option thankfully. But on April 15th, I drove to Home Depot. Purchased what I needed. Cut the rope. Tied the noose. And then I found the perfect spot, the perfect tree. And I sat there two nights in a row going over the details. Very few people will know what it feels like to have a rope pulled tight against their throat. I do.

Please understand. It isn’t that I’m so depressed that I feel I have no purpose in life. It is that I feel everything. It is exhausting. I feel every emotion. I feel the pain. The dark of the world invades my soul. I internalize it all to the point it manifests as excruciating physical pain. 

Honestly, I miss my husband. But maybe even more I miss the relationship, closeness and intimacy that is shared by two people who love each other. We have been through so much … how do you recover from it? What happens when one persons love is greater than the other?

This post is not supposed to be depressing, shocking or negative in any way. I am following the timeline of how I got to where I currently am. It has always been my policy to never omit my experiences no matter how difficult. You think I want to admit that my life went down this path again? That I failed again? I’m taking the chance and being vulnerable for any to read. Maybe the radical honesty can finally break some barriers and stigma. And guess what? Spoiler alert: I survived.

UPDATE:

“You’re exactly where you are supposed to be right now, you are exactly who you are supposed to be… Your journey led you here for a reason, and it’s not required for you to know exactly where it goes from here. Just listen to your heart and take one inspired step at a time.
Trust yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself… And most importantly, LOVE yourself, because YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT, just the way you are.”

After those dark days in the car and beside the tree I made a radical decision. I was done.  I left. It brought me here. I’m placing the final edits on this post on 11/11/15. A lot of time has passed. Things have dramatically changed. I feel at peace and I am so incredibly grateful.

I have amazing parents. Can you imagine getting a call from your daughter at 3am detailing the plan to take her life while she is 1000 miles away? The plan to take the pills then hang the rope? It is impossible to imagine the pain they must have felt. The helplessness. Thank you Mom and Dad. I may be an adult but I can’t do this on my own. Pure unconditional love and acceptance from you saved my life.

Anyway. I finally decided to trust myself. It got me here and I am building something beautiful.

NOTE: Do you know what would be really amazing? If we stopped saying someone “Committed Suicide”. Criminals commit crime. Suicide is not a crime. It only contributes to horrible stigma associated with suicide. Saying ‘committed’ implies blame. Let’s decide to stop that right now.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

xoxo,

Kristin

Bullying and the Mob Mentality

First I want to welcome all my new blog readers! This is a very personal blog and I write with complete honesty about situations I have experienced. It is the only way that I can survive. And thank you so much for all the kind messages I have received the last few days!

So, in going back through my blog I have 4-5 drafts, but I haven’t published a post since January. No wonder my life has felt so off-balance lately. My blog has become a place of healing and growth. I have missed it and the clarity it provides.

There has been so much change recently that I need to backtrack and get my blog caught up to the present. This is probably a really great thing because it will help me take a big deep breath and gain some perspective on the things that are currently happening. Maybe going back to other experiences will help me not write things I may regret. Perspective is never a bad thing. But, yes, that blog post halfway done and it will be published. 

So join me and let’s dig back in the chaos and fill in the gaps. My last post was in January, so I am going to start there. Want to know something crazy? The only way that I can remember and differentiate parts on my life is through the pictures in my phone. It is my official memory jogger. My brain has an amazing way of protecting itself from painful events, but pictures always tell the story.

Right at the end of January I experienced something incredibly painful. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to deal with this once I became an adult.

Cyber Bullying

It was really ugly. I hadn’t felt that vulnerable and scared in a long time. For those that have read previous posts, you know that I have a history with years of bullying and abuse when I was young. I was really shocked that at the age of 34 I would be dragged in to that madness again. I try hard to insulate myself from outside influences, but you can’t control everything or the way people feel. The interesting thing is that these were women much older than me, threatening me with pictures of guns and violence. Seriously? They threatened to come to my home and physically harm me. They knew where I lived. It was absolutely insane and incredibly scary. Honestly, my brain still has a hard time comprehending the entire experience.

Why do people think that putting these horrible things online for the world to see is okay? Do they think that somehow the pain and hurt they are causing is not as cruel if they are doing it in texts, posts or comments on Facebook? Maybe it doesn’t feel as real to them.

I’m going to add a few of the images to my blog that “they” posted on Facebook, only because I want you to see what the face of bullying looks like online. Sorry about the language. I may remove these later depending on how I feel about it tomorrow. And of course, these don’t contain the entire post or the 50+ comments. It got ugly fast.

EDIT: So one of the people I am writing about in this blog post apparently still stalks me. How unfortunate that she wastes her time on something so negative. She has a complaint against me via WordPress that I am in the process of appealing. That is why one of the graphics is not viewable.

The really interesting thing was the reaction from the people who knew about the situation and why it started. When I showed them what was happening, there wasn’t even a “Wow. That is really messed up.” Their reaction made me feel like I deserved the abuse. In my mind I must be horrible if people are talking about me the way they were, right? I don’t know if that feeling makes sense to you unless you have experienced this type of harassment first hand. I felt an overwhelming sense of shame.

The Mob Mentality

Now that we have covered a little of what happened earlier this year, I want to talk about the Mob Mentality. Because when they posted these pictures, friends of theirs who had NO information whatsoever on the actual situation started chiming in. Of course right?Because hatred is contagious when they “perceive” an injustice. First off, bullying and the mob mentality is a dangerous combination. It can quickly spiral out of control because it fuels the bully’s ego and makes them more confident now that their hatred has been validated by their peers. Social media has become the biggest bully pulpit in the world. Could they say those exact same words in person? Or is it only because they have the comfort of a screen and hundreds of miles between us?

In my blog post called “Growing Pains” I talked about my experiences as a teen with bullying. What I didn’t talk about was what happened years later when I talked with a guy who joined in with THE crowd. He laughed along with the others and here is his reason why. He told me that he didn’t want to become the focus of their hate, so he felt like he had to go along with it. No, he didn’t like what was happening to me, but he didn’t think his voice alone was strong enough to stop it.

I understand the fear of being left behind or placed in the bully’s crosshairs. It’s absolutely human nature for us to want to go along in order to be included in the group. There is safety in numbers and it’s never fun to be unpopular. I know that first hand. I was bullied, harassed and generally made to feel like I existed just for a certain group of classmates’ amusement. It has made me a paranoid person who still feels anxiety in certain social situations. In writing this post I have decided that I actually have an issue with the term “bullying.” It projects an image of teasing and/or whispering behind each other’s backs. In fact, bullying is more physical violence, sexual humiliation and deeply personal attacks.

I want to be part of a group that is loving, hard working, accepting and won’t tolerate hate in any form. Call it naive, but that is my hope for the future of our human race. Revenge is not the answer. It only adds fuel to the fire. I’m talking about extinguishing the fire by teaching others how to be brave enough to stand up to a bully, and not go along with a crowd when it means giving up your humanity in order to be included. Who wants to carry that type of burden and guilt?

I will be talking a lot in my upcoming blog posts about the Power of Validation. I have only learned about this recently and it has been a game changer in my relationships. If you are ever in a situation where you don’t know what to say to someone who is struggling or in pain, then find a way to validate their feelings. I will give really great examples in a different post. But one of the best, is

“Wow. I can’t even begin to imagine how hurt you must be feeling right now. That must be incredibly painful to have them post those horrible things about you to the public.”

Part of validation is restating what they told you by using simple and precise language so they know you were listening. Do NOT ask if they are okay. Do NOT ask how you can help. Just validate their experience whether you understand it or not. It might sound simple, but it is truly powerful and can quickly deescalate a situation. People want to know they have been heard. That is why you don’t tell them that you know how they feel, because it minimizes their feelings. It takes practice. If you want to know more about validation, click here.

Fun Fact: Validation is one of the core skills of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. (The greatest form of therapy on the planet!)

xoxo,

Kristin

The Hardest Thing

This post has been sitting here waiting to be published for about 3 months. It is very personal and I’m really having a hard time finding all the correct words. When I first started writing it, there was this glorious feeling inside my heart. I want you to feel that glorious feeling I did, and so it has taken me a long time to put everything together. But most important of all, this post is for me. I like read by blog all the time. Sometimes to find clarity, other times to find and correct mistakes. But this is one of those posts that I need to read when the world comes against me and tries to tear me down.

Okay, lets start and see where this goes.

If you can, imagine yourself before you came to this earth. Imagine all the things you were able to do and learn. The peace, the calm, the love. You developed talents and relationships. Eventually, you matured enough to make important decisions. Like the choice you made to come to this earth to be tested and challenged in every way possible.

I have a really easy ability to connect with my inner soul when I need to. When I become in tune, I feel my inner Spirit and the amazing power that she holds. The body she is in isn’t perfect. It is damaged. But some days she still finds a way to let her inner spark shine.

Okay. Now I really want you to think about this. Because this is what I know:

I am part of God’s army. I am one of His strongest Warriors. So are you – you just might not have realized it yet. My Heavenly Father has sent me to this earth with tools to survive. There are talents we nurtured before we came to this earth. We need to discover every single one and let them grow far and wide. As God’s Warrior we have a divine purpose and he is counting on us to do our part.

Have you connected enough with your inner Spirit to understand your divine purpose? I have. I lose myself a lot. I forget how truly great I am. But I know what I am here to do. I have many skills I have honed in learning to survive and traverse on Satan’s Playground. We are battling in enemy territory and it is a fight and a struggle for us each day. But you know what? I have a knockout punch in my corner AT ALL TIMES. We all do. No where does it say that Satan wins. No where. He is a big old bully but his day will come. And it is coming fast. Do you realize what the world has become? I try and tune it out and just put my head down and work. It is so painful to watch. But there is hope. We see remarkable acts of service and sacrifice. We are able to find moments of joy in a baby’s first laugh or smile. These are the precious gifts our Heavenly Father has given to us to remind us of where we came from. That evil will not win.

Something else I understand and hopefully this concept make sense. Without opposition, there would be no happiness, without change we wouldn’t grow, and if we never grew then what is the point of suffering?

Pain has Purpose.

Without my intense experiences and the pain and sorrow I felt, I wouldn’t know the joy to finally be at peace. And I wouldn’t be able to write these words.

I am a deep thinker. I like to ask the hard questions that have no answers here on this earth. Sometimes I think that my own brain knows that not big enough to comprehend what I want to know. I need to understand everything. I want all the answers now.

My blog is a no judgement zone. Here is what I know.

Seth and I knew each other before we came to this earth. The first time I sat by him chills ran up my spine. I knew I loved him in that instant. I have never felt anything so powerful and overwhelming. Pure joy. My daughters that I have been blessed with on this earth are greater than me in every way. They teach me things I would have never known. They love me unconditionally and my damaged spirit craves their understanding. I honestly imagine that they were some of my closest friends in my life before. Next thought. I chose this life. I agreed to everything I have experienced. I prepared myself with tools and talents to survive the test my Heavenly Father has given me. My failures move me forward not back. When I fail it means I am trying. That I haven’t given up. HE blesses me when I fall. And picks me back up so I can try again.

You might not understand this or think I’m crazy for believe this, but I think in the afterlife we will live again on other worlds with each other. If we are continually striving to learn more, then how else must it be done but through experience. We may not have the opposition of Satan in these places but we still need to grow. We definitely won’t be singing in choirs for eternity. We have so much more to do. We all have greatness inside of us. Beautiful, glorious greatness. How exciting and wonderful is that?

We will go home and be heroes for surviving. These are the last days. We are one of the greatest generations to ever live on this earth. Every generation that comes after us will be greater than the one before. The challenges they face will be harder, but they are ready. They are stronger and more capable. There is an equal and opposite reaction in all things. One of God’s laws. Don’t worry. The greater the world falls into darkness and chaos, the greater the righteous Warriors sent to this Earth will be. Equal and Opposite. The Power God is sending to this earth to battle Satan’s destruction is more amazing than we will ever know.

Do you think what I’m saying has any merit? Personally I’m not worried of peoples opinions. I just want to open your minds to think about greater things than just the challenges of this life. Start being the Greatness that God has given your inner spirit. Find that connection. Be still. Listen. Let the truth wash over you. Discover what you believe. And then share that light with the world.

xoxo,

Kristin

The Thunder

It has been such a roller coaster of a week. I hate to even mention this, but it has been a big factor in what has gone on. Robin Williams death. I do all of my work on Facebook so it has been difficult to even open a browser, knowing that every other Facebook post will be about his death. Opinions being thrown about everywhere. Everyone has one, and I guess I do too. I found the best explanation in an article I read here. It talked about how Robin didn’t die by suicide, he died from Depression. He died from Bipolar disorder. He died from his disease, just like a cancer victim. Because that is what he is in all this. A victim. Did you know that someone tries to commit suicide every 4 minutes? Tell me this isn’t a problem. Tell me that we all have a choice. Well I’m sorry world. I DON’T have a choice. I did not ask for depression, borderline personality disorder, bipolar, OCD, ADD. You name it, I have it. I DID NOT ask for it! And I am so sick of the opinions that some where in all this there is a choice. Mental Illness is a disease that has an extremely high death rate. I could name the statistics but I won’t. But please understand, it is not a choice.

So my husband tells me that I have had a year to get my act together. Remember I talked about my one year anniversary? Well I guess it meant something for him as well. It meant that I haven’t fixed myself enough. I have not done enough for him to want to stay married to me. Then Robin Williams commits suicide and it is plastered every where I look.…..Bad timing. But you know, I guess I haven’t. I didn’t try enough to be the best mom I could to my girls. I didn’t cook enough meals for my family. I didn’t keep up on the laundry like I used to. Remember that nasty sleep disorder? Well, I didn’t wake up at 7am to get the girls ready for school and daycare enough. And I wasn’t the best wife I could be. I don’t know. Apparently I didn’t give it my all. So it is over. I lost. BUT, just so you know, I don’t blame him. He has carried the burden of my illness while going to grad school and doing an amazing job raising the girls. No blame. Just Cold, Hard, Reality.

I’m writing this at 5am watching a crazy light show of lightning and thunder. How amazing. Lightning then Thunder. Lightning then Thunder. God’s power is Glorious. But I am wondering in all of this. When does the suffering end? The splash of lightning and the rumble of the thunder. That is what my entire life has been. One after the other the lightning strikes. So close you think it would have burned me to the ground. Then the thunder comes in and shakes my life up in such a way that I have no idea if I will ever find solid footing. So, is there ever going to be happiness for me? Or just the constant Lightning and Thunder? I’m not in the best of moods if you can’t tell. I have suffered so much. I could write an entire blog about just ONE of my blog posts. I’m tired and I want to give up and let go. Who actually needs me in this life, I’m curious. My husband is great with my girls. He can take care of them on his own. And he WILL get custody of them. So who needs me? Why do I have to stick around and suffer more? Suffer through a divorce and living on my own. Look at my history and tell me that isn’t a recipe for disaster. Seth grounds me to this world. But it isn’t my choice to make. Life is unbearable for him, and I am not enough and never will be.

Anyway. I needed to write it out and I really don’t care about opinions on whether I should have written this or not. I don’t care. If it saves my life, then let me write it. Maybe I’ll delete this post later. I’m an impulsive person and I lead with my emotions. I have tried to turn them off I swear. Just part of the disease. The disease that stole my marriage. The disease that stole my life.

Now the lightning and thunder are gone and the sun is rising in the sky. Does that mean there is hope? Can there really be peace in this crazy, awful world? Lets hope so.

The Damaged part 2

If you haven’t read PART 1 yet, please read it before this post.

“You can recognize survivors of abuse by their courage. When silence is so very inviting, they step forward and share their truth so others know they aren’t alone.”

Let’s finish this up. Hopefully no one had a heart attack with Part 1. Ummm, I about did, but I am just hoping and praying people understand why I had to write it. Because you won’t understand what comes next and my particular mindset without those pieces of information. This is the longest post I have written on my blog so there will be no pictures, just words.

Aftermath

Where do I begin? I didn’t go to the police. I could barely remember what happened and I felt humiliated and ashamed. I thought I had been safe enough. But I hadn’t. It didn’t even seem real. And deep down inside I knew that it must have somehow ben my fault. It had to have been right? I remember exactly what I was wearing. Jeans and a cute black top. Nothing crazy. He was a predator and I got caught in his trap. I don’t even remember his name. I blocked him out. But the damage was done. I started drinking. I have never done illegal drugs, but I used my prescription drugs as my biggest escape, often accompanied with alcohol. I didn’t deserve to live with the thoughts and images that would run through my mind. So I made my first “official” attempt to take my life. I had no idea what I was doing and it didn’t work. My parents caught it early enough that the ER was able to administer the nastiest black charcoal down my throat to absorb the pills. I was hospitalized for a short time in a nearby hospital’s mental health unit but released within 4 days. And after that I realized I didn’t know much about trying to take my life and a few pills wasn’t going to cut it. There was another attempt in between, I can’t remember, really. They are all blurred together. I know that I did take an entire bottle of my benzodiazepines which resulted in a 4 month memory loss. <– THAT was interesting for sure! I was dating a bunch of guys at the time and I think 3 or 4 of them were named Jared. Very confusing because they came to visit me in the hospital and I had no idea who they were. I become a great actress and pretended like I knew what was happening in my life. I failed miserably.

I was living in an alternate reality. Because I had tried to overdose on all my prescription medications, I couldn’t get access to anything stronger. So for my final attempt that year I just took what was available. Almost an entire bottle of aspirin mixed with alcohol. After that I remember waking up in the ICU. I don’t know how I got there, but I knew that I was mad that I was still alive. My parents weren’t there and I panicked. I started to pull out the IV in my left arm and an orderly came in to try and stop me. It was then I noticed that I couldn’t hear out of my right ear. And that entire right side of my body was numb. I had damaged my liver so bad by using the worst thing ever …. Aspirin. My liver has never been the same, but thankfully my hearing returned and most of the nerve damage is gone. Except for in my left hand where I pulled out my IV.

When the orderly tried to stop me I ended up fighting back, screaming for my parents – and apparently I kicked him pretty hard. Well, it just so happens that they decided to call the police. They determined I was ready to be released to another Mental Health Facility and I got handcuffed and put in the back of the Sherriff’s police car. I was angry. REALLY angry. Mostly that I was still alive. It was a 40 minute drive to the hospital so while I was sitting in the back of the police car I decided it would be fun to get out of the handcuffs and surprise the Sheriff. He had been really mean in the first place. So I got out of the handcuffs after 20 minutes of trying. I still have the scars on my wrists from using the handcuffs to cut through my skin to get out. Once he stopped the police car I opened my door and he freaked out because I took off. But I soon realized that I wasn’t going to get very far so I walked back. He was NOT happy. Anyway. I was admitted to the University of Utah’s Neuropsychiatric Unit. (UNI). Out of all my hospitalizations I have had in the past 13 years this is BY FAR the best Mental Hospital out there. This may sound crazy (me recommending a Psych Hospital), but who knows, right? If you or one of your family members are ever in a position to need the help of that type of hospital and you happen to be in Utah. Take them to UNI. Don’t even mess around with anywhere else. It is a really great facility! I spent quite a long time there. They got me on a medication that actually helped. And by the time I was released I felt changed. The “changed” part didn’t last long. But the medication did. I am currently still on the same medicine they gave me at UNI. It has saved my life.

From then on I only dated the damaged. And that is putting it kindly. They are really the only people that I thought would understand the experiences that I suffered. I would never be put in a situation like that again so I only dated people that I thought needed saving because they were worse off than me. I would be in charge of the relationship and have power and control over everything that happened from then on out. But when two damaged people get in to a relationship, what do you think the outcomes are? I can tell you. Nothing good.

I met Jay* at a movie. I was there with a bunch of girlfriends and they dared me to go sit next to this group of guys 4 rows below us. Well I never backed away from a challenge so I went and sat next to him and struck up a conversation. I would have never guessed that we would date each other on and off for almost two years. I know that one of the reasons I always went back to him after our short break ups was because his family had taken me in. I was treated like a daughter and as a family they were always doing fun and crazy things. But another reason? They took care of each other. No one messed with them. His dad had influence and money, and they collected guns. In fact, Jay always kept one in his car. He told me that no one would hurt me ever again, and if he knew then men who had hurt me, he would kill them. Coming from him it wasn’t an idle threat. And for a time it made me feel safe.

Over time though I would have moments when I would wake up and realize how bad the relationship was. We were both drunk all the time. We were completely co-dependent and we had broken up and gotten back together more than 10 times. Then one day I decided I had finally had enough. We were in a toxic relationship and I couldn’t take it anymore. It had been two years, I was almost 21 and I was ready to move on. So I made it official. I moved into an apartment with a friend and didn’t tell him where. The phone calls from him became non-stop. Every day I would get at least 10 messages crying for me to take him back. Then one day I listened to a message “Kristin, I wont do this. I won’t live without you in my life. It just isn’t worth it. I would rather be dead, so that is what’s going to happen if you don’t come back to me.” Classic manipulation right? But I had obviously cared about him for long enough and didn’t want him to hurt himself. So I met him a couple times that week to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. In my mind, I was clear to make sure he knew that we weren’t getting back together, I just don’t think his mind would accept the fact. And I know he didn’t think it was a possibility that I would ever really be gone. I had always come back to him after our breakups. Why not this time?

I had begun dating other people. I was trying to enjoy my life. And the phone calls finally started to slow down. Then one day his sister called me and I knew it had to be bad. So he and I agreed to meet in my works parking lot. I got in his truck to talk to him. Of anyone, I knew what it felt like to feel suicidal. We drove around for a while talking and during our conversation I got a phone call from one of the people I was dating. He knew that I was meeting Jay, and wanted to make sure I was doing okay. Well, that was the WORST time for the phone call because the conversation between Jay and I wasn’t going well.

As much as I wanted to save him from himself, this time would be different. I wouldn’t allow myself to be pulled back in to our relationship. I answered the phone because we had what I thought was a safety plan in place. I had a quick conversation with the guy. I let him know where I was. Hinted to him that things were getting bad. Then I hung up. And that is when things went from bad to beyond worse.

“Is that him Kristin? Is that the new guy trying to take my place? You know he will never treat you as well as I can right? Why do you even bother? Just come back to me.”

I responded quite but firmly that it was over. We were done. I think in Jay’s mind it finally set in. It was over. I had moved on. But he had told me before. He wouldn’t live without me. I just had never really taken it as seriously as I should. He had never been a physically violent person TO ME. But he was extremely possessive and mentally abusive. I had known that all along.

I asked him to please take me back to my car. I remember the exact road we were driving down. Two lanes on one side, two lanes on the other. Thankfully it was pretty late at night by this time when he decided to cross the center lane putting us directly in line with oncoming traffic. He gunned his truck as fast as it would go. And it could go FAST. He was a mechanic and had upgraded every part possible. He weaved in and out of the traffic while I screamed and begged him to stop. I’m sure by that point we were going about 70-80 miles per hour, maybe more. I don’t know what saved us. Actually, I do, but they are not of this world, but they try and watch out for me the best they can.

At any time he could have driven the truck off the side of the road and we would have flipped. But he just kept gunning the truck and weaving in and out of the cars driving straight for us. I was screaming at him to stop. That I would do anything to make him stop. “THEN stop dating other guys.” Okay. “We are meant to be together” Sure, I know we are. “I know you love me.” Of course I do. It seemed to calm him down and he moved back to to the correct lane. As we got about a mile away back in the direction to my work he let his truck slow down. He puled to where I had parked at work and I kid you not.

Jay, “So what are we doing tomorrow? We are going out right?”. Ummmmmm. WHAT??? NO! Are you kidding me? You just about killed us!! “But you said things would be fine. You said WE would be fine.” Of course I did. I would do anything to make you stop. — Okay, WHY did I say anything? I just should have gone along with it. I saw the rage light back up in his eyes. The truck had stopped so I got out an ran. I couldn’t find the keys to my car, but I was the manage er my office and I did find the keys to my work. I ran to the door and unlocked the deadbolts as fast as I could. As soon as I got in I disabled the security alarm and immediately reset it to arm. Thankfully he stayed in his truck.

Looking back I can realize how naive I really was. I was just 21 years old but at that point it felt like I had a lifetime of experiences. I can look back now and see the slow progression into the very emotional and psychological abusive relationship Jay and I had. Years of abuse, manipulation and control.

He could see me through the floor to ceiling glass windows at my work and I made a phone call from the landline inside. My cell phone was almost dead. Like a scene out of a freaking horror movie. I don’t know how many minutes went by, but I know he saw me make the call and he finally he drove away. I’m sure he thought I had called the police. I hadn’t. The city I worked in was where Jay lived. Most of the police in that neighborhood were his families friends. They had been to his house for big neighborhood BBQ’s. Remember the influence his family had? There was no way I was going to risk it. There were other reasons I had issues trusting the police from years before. Thinking back there are so many stories from the time I was 16-20 that would blow your mind. Maybe I will write those later. Well, you know I will but not yet.

My phone call was actually to the guy friend I was dating. I let him know where I was and that I was locked in at my work. That Jay decided to drive away. I found my car keys. Walked carefully to my car and drove home. I got to my apartment, laid down and shook for hours. And I didn’t hear from him again for over a month.

Can I tell you what is amazing (that actually makes me cry more than the awful things that have happened over that 2 years)? After all that, God sent someone to save me. He came into my life and helped heal my soul. He is my rock. He is what keeps me tethered to this world. God knew what I needed, He always has. And He sent me one of the greatest men that have ever existed on the face of this earth. The day Seth and I met, my SOUL KNEW his soul. I sat next to him and I couldn’t stop the rush of electricity that overtook my body. I could finally breathe. I thank God for him every single day. That is the beauty in all this. I went through Hell to be introduced to Heaven. Which I see in the face of my husband and my little girls. Utter Heaven.

I will tell how Seth and I met in another post because I don’t want it to be part of this one. Needless to say I met Seth and I KNEW. I knew we were meant to be within a matter of hours. He took a little more convincing. But it was decided. We were getting married.

Jay’s story isn’t over. He found out I was getting married and his life crumbled. I got a voicemail from him asking if it was true. And that his life was over if it was. So I made what would be my final phone call to him. He answered and he sounded sick, but calm at the same time. I told him that yes, I was getting married. He took a big sigh and told me that he hoped I would be happy. And I told him that I was. Then I heard a bunch of metal hitting metal. Bullets. I heard the cylinder of his revolver spin and click in to place. Then I heard the trigger being pulled. No shot went off. The gun had misfired. Maybe in his rush to get the bullets in they didn’t go in properly. I didn’t plead with him anymore. I was tired. We had played this game too many times. So I told him I was sorry and I hung up the phone.

And that was that. I never heard from him again. Occasionally I would search the obituaries to see if his name was listed. It never was, so I knew he was around. To this day he still affects my life and decisions. I am scared of him. I am scared for me and for my family. Especially in the first few years of our marriage. I was worried about what he would do to Seth more than me. Seth is this amazing soul and there was no way I was going to let him get pulled in to that world. I have seen Jay on 3 different occasions over the last 10 years. The last time I saw him was in 2010. Eight years after that experience. I had just had my 2nd daughter and we were at the County Far. I was pushing my daughter in her stroller and we came up to a booth and I could hear his voice. It is very distinctive and a voice I will never forget in my lifetime. Apparently he had quit his job as a mechanic and started working the family business. No surprise there. What is crazy is the minute I heard his voice and my eyes saw his face I didn’t hesitate. I left the stroller and I turned around and ran. He didn’t see me, thank goodness and don’t think I’m a bad mom … Let me explain. Seth was right behind me with our oldest daughter and he grabbed the stroller and came over to where I had stopped. Keep in mind. THIS IS EIGHT YEARS LATER! All Seth said to me was “Is it him?” I nodded, and we left. And I had nightmares and didn’t leave my house for weeks.

In all of this I never mentioned that my friend (that I had called after the attempted assault) ended up stalking me for three years and Seth actually had to get involved in that one. Jay’s story is hard enough to tell without Max* being thrown in to the mix as well. I attracted the weirdest people during that time, my goodness. Another day.

Anyway. I feel the safest I have ever felt now. And it is because I live a state away from all the madness. I know I am not going to run in to either of them at the store. I’m not going to see them. The nightmares have almost stopped. Thankfully after I saw Jay at the fair in 2010 Seth got in to Pharmacy School and we moved away. It is the biggest relief ever.

I have looked him up on Facebook twice now. He has never married. But I looked before I wrote this and it looks like he and a girlfriend just had a baby. Good for him. I hope he is happy. And I hope he never thinks about me. An angry Jay is someone no one should ever have to be around. I pray for them.

I hope my family will understand why I feel I can never move back to that part of Utah. I didn’t have a life when I lived there. I stayed inside and let it eat me alive. So let me have my space for now and give me more time to heal.

*Names have been changed for my family’s safety.

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Hospitals and Divorce

People always tell me I’m a bit too honest, and they are right. Hopefully you can appreciate that side of me, because to be perfectly honest, I think we could all use a lot more of it in our lives. Let’s dive back in-

In March of 2013 I was in my 4th hospital stay. My family and I were 13 months in to the hardest time we had ever experienced, which is saying a lot for my life. Both of us were exhausted and we didn’t have much hope that there would ever be answers. Let me clarify something first (and I will do a different blog post about this) I have always been diagnosed with a Mental Illness. I suffered with severe depression and anxiety since I was 15 years old and from that time until now I have tried over 100 medications to help alleviate the symptoms. With a Traumatic Brain Injury, metal illness is very common. After I had my babies, my normal ‘mental illness’ state was magnified 10 times because it was compounded with the hormonal imbalance that caused my severe postpartum depression.

So back to March. I couldn’t take the strain I was causing my family. I could see the most stoic, calm, confident husband start to crumble under the pressure. He was in his 2nd year of Pharmacy School and he was in the middle of one of the hardest quarters of his entire grad school experience. The divorce talks started. I fell apart. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t have been given a more ‘normal’ life experience. And just so you know, normal doesn’t exist. It is such a facade. Please don’t ever compare yourself to someone else’s normal. Constantly comparing yourself to the others in this world will place you in a state of captivity and you are the one who builds the jail. My personal prison was 100 miles thick. But there are ways to break the prison walls down, and hopefully I can teach you how at some point. It takes a lot of practice, patience and compassion – yes, for others – but mostly for yourself.

Anyway, I pulled myself together enough to get released from the hospital. I felt a bit better. I organized a clothing drive because people would come into the hospital with nothing, just the clothes on their backs. They would be given paper clothes to wear and it was completely degrading, especially for the women. Midwestern University and my neighborhood rallied together. I ended up washing at least 20 loads of laundry of donated clothes and taking them to the hospital. Needless to say the hospital workers were shocked, and grateful.

That was a moment of clarity in my endless storm, but it was just masking the underlying symptoms that I tried to keep at bay. I was still depressed. I still had big problems. I had a hysterectomy in December 2012 from complications (will be another post) and we still hadn’t figured out the right hormone balance. Finally, June 27th I cracked. Worse than I ever have in my life. It was my oldest daughters 7th birthday. I couldn’t get out of bed to help celebrate it, all the medication I had been given over the hospitalizations made me lethargic, apathetic, basically I just didn’t have the energy to care anymore. But not being able to care enough to celebrate her birthday ruined me inside. I saw the last 7 years of my life as a complete failure with no hope in sight. I won’t go into detail of what transpired, because that is not what my blog is about. But that is how I ended up in my 5th and final hospital.

Knowing that my future with my husband would be centered around our impending divorce, I decided I had to pull myself together and try to get better for my kids. I knew my marriage couldn’t be saved, but I had to try to find a way to become the mother I had always wished, wanted and prayed that I could be. I told every person at the hospital that I was planning on staying there until I actually felt better. Truly better, no temporary band-aids. I worked hard. I went to all my groups. I tested out more medications. While I was in the hospital my husband came to visit. We had a very civil conversation about how the divorce would go, who would end up with the kids, where we would live, how to divide our assets and debts. It was the calmest conversation we had ever had. We had decided the best thing was for me to not come back home, that I needed to find a temporary place to live while we worked out the divorce details.

I was finally released after almost 4 weeks. I felt better. I felt I had finally planted my feet on solid ground. The medication was helping and I found a place to stay with someone who needed a roommate. But my heart would ache every single day, longing for the love lost after 11 years of marriage. Knowing that what tore us apart was something we both admitted was out of our control. My illness was making everyone miserable, and we had kids to think about. In our days apart thoughts would fill my mind. My future would be filled with scheduling my visits with my kids around my husband and his potential new wife and family. I would never remarry because I would never place the burden of my illness on another person again. I knew that I would have to live with the feelings of loneliness for the rest of my life. Talk about renewed depression!

Then, the day of all days happened. The events of this day I will NEVER forget. July 22, 2013