Why I Left Younique

** Everything written here is based upon my own personal experiences. All opinions are my own.**

What is done in the dark always finds its way to the light.

If you have never been in direct sales you may not understand this post. That’s okay. Just come back next week to read how Seth and I met. It is such a fun story.

Back to business. I started writing this post a few weeks ago with a specific intention. I wanted to document my first experience in the world of Direct Sales. What I loved, what I didn’t. What I wish I would have done better and the positive changes I can make going forward. I had decided to leave Younique months ago. LimeLight just happened to come along at the perfect time with better products at better prices. I actually vowed to never join another direct sales company after my experiences with Younique, but I couldn’t pass up the incredible opportunity to work closely with one of my best friends again. She was the one who inspired me to start writing this blog. She is my soul sister, my partner in crime. I feel very blessed to learn and grow in the LimeLight community with her. I am also incredibly grateful to get the opportunity to make a fresh start.

Please know I never had any intention to write THIS. I really thought I would let it go and try to move on….

But then I started to see friends around me that left Younique bullied and harassed. I saw grown women tear each other apart. I saw top leaders making hateful videos in their training groups vilifying other women who were just trying to make a positive change for themselves and their families. Lies started being spread to undermine their credibility. Can you even imagine that all of this chaos stemmed from a decision to leave a cosmetics company that no longer provided a positive experience? I’m pretty sure it is an okay thing to do. Things change for people all of the time and you have to learn to adapt.

Watching all the hatefulness was a wakeup call. The shame, lies, misunderstandings. Then the coverups. I have seen some of the most ugly things this last month on social media. I don’t know in any other profession where this type of bullying would be tolerated. And yet in the Younique community that I experienced it is pervasive. I honestly can’t wrap my mind around it. It is heartbreaking for me that people are scared. Scared to leave a direct sales company!! Does that even make sense? I have people scared of the backlash and of being bullied. The messages I get from women in this exact position make my heart hurt. But the sad fact is they aren’t wrong. Those of us that have been with the company for years and were high in the ranks or have a big following ARE experiencing those exact things. I personally know of 10 people right now who have quit, but are scared to tell anyone because of their rank within Younique.

Much of the shame game they played for those of us that left the company was that only ‘losers’ quit. They made Periscope videos about it. And this all came from some of the top leaders at the company. They began to engage in passive aggressive bullying in their posts on Facebook. It was painful to watch.

Younique did provide me with an outlet for a while. It gave me confidence. It made me happy. I moved up in the ranks really fast to the second highest status in the company. And then things changed. People changed. Products changed. Which meant I had to make a change. I no longer felt like I could stand behind the company or its products with honesty and integrity.

 “If you are physically able to work from your phone then there are no excuses. Even if you are in a crazy accident and lost all your fingers, you can still figure out how to voice chat. I’m tired of people telling me that, ‘Oh, I’m in the middle of a big move. Oh, I just had a baby. Oh, my dad just died. Oh, my marriage is ending.’ Those are personal. You can take a few days off. But separate your personal from your business. If you don’t work your business you are hurting your family and others. No excuses.”

This was a statement made by one of the top leaders in the company a month ago. I personally believe in leadership not dictatorship. If that is what it takes to be successful then I guess I don’t want success. I don’t ‘Bleed Purple’. My family comes first. My faith comes first. And I would never ask anyone to “bleed” for a company.

Do I regret joining Younique? No. Do I wish I had handled some of the challenges better? Of course. The company exploded overnight and it was really hard to keep up with the hyper growth. We had minimal training. In fact we had to build our own. But without Younique I would not have gained the skills necessary to move on and be successful in so many different areas of my life.

Younique’s Mission:

Uplift. Empower. Validate.

People crave validation so I understand why it would be part of the mission statement. But it is something that I never experienced there. I was ignored and dismissed by my leaders, by Corporate. When I had concerns I was told to just “be positive.” If you ever had a question or concern you could not ask it in the team groups without it getting deleted. I understand not letting negativity breed more negativity. But concerns need to be addressed and dealt with. Not shoved under the rug never to be discussed again.

The positive in all this is that through these struggles I have been Empowered to find my voice and speak my truths whether good or bad. I have learned what it means to feel truly Uplifted. And I understand the value of Validation in all areas of my life.

So many of you will have no idea what I am even talking about. Your experience with Younique will be no where near what mine and others was. That is okay! I am truly grateful that is the case for you.

In fact when I first joined Younique, I was over the moon excited! I was going through some really difficult and intense things at home and it was the perfect way to feel part of something bigger and it gave me chance to join a community of remarkable women.

I gained friends who (for the most part) loved and supported me. The 3D Fiber Mascara was AH-mazing! The skincare line of Awake Face Wash and Brilliant Moisturizer was flying off the shelves because they worked so well. These were three phenomenal products that I could sell in my sleep! It truly was the best.

***AT THE TIME***

First, they decided to get rid of Awake and Brilliant and replace them with other products. They added fragrance and other ingredients that would never be considered “naturally based” which for me is a big problem because I am sensitive to everything. We were never made aware that it was such a drastic change.

But let’s talk for a minute about the “Magic Mascara”.

The 3D Fiber Lash Mascara is what put Younique on the map. It is their flagship product and their #1 best seller. This summer the company decided to change the formula of our famous mascara by inventing an entirely new product that they called 3D+. They made it this “epic” announcement that said they had been working on this formula for 18 months and truly felt they had perfected it.

So I got my set of 3D+ and I had already heard mixed reviews. I figured it couldn’t be that bad though right? Well, wrong. It was horrible. And don’t assume I didn’t try to make it work. I went through 7 different sets of 3D+ all from different batches with the same result. It made my eyelashes hard and brittle and my eyes would get extremely irritated. I have VERY sensitive eyes which I why I gravitated toward Younique in the first place. They always advertised how natural the products were. I could actually wear mascara for the first time in 2 years with the regular 3D.

Yet Corporate ignored our complaints. Top leaders told us to keep quiet and stay positive. And then months later made excuses and said they were going to “work on” the formula. I personally am still getting complaints to this day. Anyway… Start doing your own research. The information is out there. They reformulated almost all of the products. Check the past ingredients against the current ones. And even after almost 6 months and “fixes” to the 3D+ I still cannot get it to work.

My mom has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader throughout my Younique career. She loves the products and so I had her try the 3D+ and she had the same experience as me. She also went through 4 different sets and had to fight with Customer Support through email to get new ones sent out to see if she could get better results. There was never an improvement and she went back to using drugstore mascara.

Some may or may not have noticed around August that I completely stopped working my business. I felt I could not ethically sell this product to my customers and friends and still sleep at night. But most importantly, I didn’t want anyone to join my Younique team under false pretenses about this “amazing” mascara and products, so I stopped offering this opportunity to anyone. I even discouraged it.

Since you are reading this I want you to be aware of something. There is risk in speaking out. Women that have left Younique have been threatened with lawsuits by the owners of the company so I have been careful with what I write. Literally everything I have written here can be backed up with screenshots or videos. I’m not naive. I currently have 2200 screenshots saved and cataloged documenting the events over the last two years. But especially over this past month with all the disturbing things that happened.

There are so many more truths I could share. I wish I could tell you everything. For those that have experiences similar to mine, you know what I shared is just the tip of the iceberg. I think you all would be really curious to know what happens after you leave the Younique world. Especially how you are treated by Corporate and those people still within in the Younique bubble. Those stories will come to light eventually. Truths don’t remain buried for long. I honestly hope everything gets worked out and somehow the culture at Younique will change. I have many amazing friends that I still love and support there. Please know I will always be here to cheer you on no matter where life takes us.

 

Wishing you Love and Light,

xoxo – Kristin

If you haven’t read my other blog posts that I wrote the past few years you should start. Don’t make judgments about me without taking a moment to understand the full story. I have laid my soul to bare on these pages without one regret. I cover sexual abuse and rape, traumatic brain injury. mental illness, divorce, struggling with motherhood. And who can forget … falling off a balcony and a few months later being run over by a car. This is my very first post talking about Younique so obviously I found it important enough to share next to those other difficult topics.

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Breaking Point

“Show me somebody who’s gone through divorce without feeling deep aching loneliness and I’ll show you somebody who never felt love.”

May 2015

I have dreaded writing this. I think because I feel like it invalidates so many of my blog posts. It feels like failure. I am tired of this cycle. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. The pain is so tangible I can almost reach out and touch it. I can’t breathe. I feel paralyzed by fear and loneliness.

I have to stop the pain. Numb it, destroy it.

In April of 2015 I reached a very difficult breaking point. It was ugly. In order to save my life, I picked up and moved with my 3 and 4 year old girls to Utah. It was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made, but I needed to be surrounded by family. My oldest daughter wanted to finish school in Arizona before she joined us. I left her with Seth for 6 very long weeks. Honestly, I was losing my mind being by myself in Arizona. I was in crisis and not having family around when so many traumatic things were taking place was not healthy. My 3am panicked phone calls to my parents had to stop. I had to find a way out. 

When I got to Utah it was like I could finally breathe again. In Arizona it was just me, Seth and the girls. We were in a never ending cycle of crazy, living in a tiny fishbowl. He and I aren’t great at communication, never have been. We struggle with our differences.

But I had to face reality.

Could I fight for my girls? Was I strong enough to finally let go of my marriage? I fought so hard to make it work. I fought hard to “fix” and make up for my shortcomings. I’ve always felt like the challenges that I faced in my life are destroyers. They destroy dreams. They destroy relationships. And then finally, they destroy people. Because they are a burden it means I am a burden. The challenges are difficult so I am difficult. The shame and responsibility I feel for these failures never ends.

It was time to break down all the ways I had convinced myself I was horrible. To regain my self-worth.

You are not a good mother.

You are a terrible wife.

You are a failure.

Come on, look at everybody else who has it together. Why don’t you? 

Lies.

Goodness. Life is messy. It is not cookie-cutter and Pinterest boards.

Trying is not failing and forgiveness is incredibly powerful. I needed to find a way to be a good mother my way and finally forgive myself. Let my past be exactly that. The past.

I began to do my research on Arizona child custody laws. Getting advice from attorneys and I started taking the proper steps to make that happen. This was a really big moment for me. I started participating in my life again. I had to let my work go. I needed time to organize all of my thoughts and to put my girls first. I tried really hard.

But the loneliness kept creeping in. Enveloping me at night. How long can I stay in bed before someone notices I haven’t showered in 5 days? Please don’t see me. Please let me be invisible for just another day. Maybe things will be better tomorrow. Maybe …

Surviving Suicide

Please note: This was originally written at the end of April 2015. The subject matter can be difficult to read. Trigger warning. 

“You weren’t meant to do this alone. If you’re constantly putting on a front that you have it all together, other people will start to believe that you really do have it all together. So, I challenge you to be honest with trusted friends and family. Share your struggles with them and let them help carry your burdens and encourage you. Because the truth is: you were never meant to do this alone.”

APRIL 21, 2015

Recently I was criticized for being so honest and baring my soul on these pages. It hurt. I believe that in order to write the things I do, it takes courage. It requires me to be vulnerable and it is far from easy. It helps me heal and I will never apologize for being honest. If you don’t want to know about me and my life then just don’t read it. Heavens. 

Anyway, I really didn’t expect to sit down and write this tonight. I wasn’t sure if I was ready. But then I read this article about Natalie’s Story and I decided that I needed to get this out there while it was at the forefront of my mind and while I felt brave enough to tell this part of my story.

So we all know I suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you don’t know what that is, please click on the link to read about it. You never know, it just might change your life. I hear from people all the time that never knew this disorder existed until they read my story and all the sudden their life, or a life of a family member finally makes sense.

This week I have been feeling a wide range of emotions. I feel inadequate, worthless and unworthy. My mind tells me I am the worst mother and my kids would be better off without me. You know, I honestly thought my marriage had changed. I thought we were finally moving forward. But really it was just the calm before the storm. The hurricane was still brewing.

His love was a lie. How could I be so blind? I feel betrayed and hopeless.

I knew. I knew that the changes I made weren’t enough and they never would be. Why couldn’t I just be good enough for once? Is that really to hard to ask? Seriously. Everyone around me could be normal, why not me? Why couldn’t I just give my husband the life he wanted?

Last week I sat on this overpass at 2am for hours. Just staring down and thinking what it would feel like to jump. I have sat on many overpasses in my life. Willing myself the courage to take the leap. I took this picture while I was sitting there. I was mesmerized by the cars lights. I always wonder where the people are going. Are they going home? What type of life do they live? What struggles do they face? Are they happy? Is anyone happy?

I have attempted suicide many times. There are many blog posts dedicated to them. Especially the one that changed my life in 2013. But I have learned from my failed attempt experiences. I knew there were two options to ensure that all this pain would finally end. I didn’t have access to the first option thankfully. But on April 15th, I drove to Home Depot. Purchased what I needed. Cut the rope. Tied the noose. And then I found the perfect spot, the perfect tree. And I sat there two nights in a row going over the details. Very few people will know what it feels like to have a rope pulled tight against their throat. I do.

Please understand. It isn’t that I’m so depressed that I feel I have no purpose in life. It is that I feel everything. It is exhausting. I feel every emotion. I feel the pain. The dark of the world invades my soul. I internalize it all to the point it manifests as excruciating physical pain. 

Honestly, I miss my husband. But maybe even more I miss the relationship, closeness and intimacy that is shared by two people who love each other. We have been through so much … how do you recover from it? What happens when one persons love is greater than the other?

This post is not supposed to be depressing, shocking or negative in any way. I am following the timeline of how I got to where I currently am. It has always been my policy to never omit my experiences no matter how difficult. You think I want to admit that my life went down this path again? That I failed again? I’m taking the chance and being vulnerable for any to read. Maybe the radical honesty can finally break some barriers and stigma. And guess what? Spoiler alert: I survived.

UPDATE:

“You’re exactly where you are supposed to be right now, you are exactly who you are supposed to be… Your journey led you here for a reason, and it’s not required for you to know exactly where it goes from here. Just listen to your heart and take one inspired step at a time.
Trust yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself… And most importantly, LOVE yourself, because YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT, just the way you are.”

After those dark days in the car and beside the tree I made a radical decision. I was done.  I left. It brought me here. I’m placing the final edits on this post on 11/11/15. A lot of time has passed. Things have dramatically changed. I feel at peace and I am so incredibly grateful.

I have amazing parents. Can you imagine getting a call from your daughter at 3am detailing the plan to take her life while she is 1000 miles away? The plan to take the pills then hang the rope? It is impossible to imagine the pain they must have felt. The helplessness. Thank you Mom and Dad. I may be an adult but I can’t do this on my own. Pure unconditional love and acceptance from you saved my life.

Anyway. I finally decided to trust myself. It got me here and I am building something beautiful.

NOTE: Do you know what would be really amazing? If we stopped saying someone “Committed Suicide”. Criminals commit crime. Suicide is not a crime. It only contributes to horrible stigma associated with suicide. Saying ‘committed’ implies blame. Let’s decide to stop that right now.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

xoxo,

Kristin

Memories Fading

Something is going on with my brain. I haven’t really talked about it much and only a few people in my inner circle know. I am having long term and short term memory loss again. I know the information is in my mind, but I just can’t access it. And it makes me incredibly nervous.

Let’s talk brain injury for a minute. I fell off a balcony. Got run over by a car. I have damage to my left frontal lobe. My last MRI was 10 years ago and I honestly don’t have the $900 to get another one right now. I’ve been trying to process the implications of this new development.

Is this because of the brain injury or because of the hundreds of drugs I have been prescribed over the last 15 years? In all my attempts to end my life, did I do more damage to my already broken brain? Did I do this to myself?

I am worried so I have been writing a lot. I’m scared of what more I will forget and I try to write every few days. If I have an idea and I don’t make a note within 5-10 minutes the thought is gone and as hard as I try I won’t be able to find it. I’ll be 35 in a few months and I’m nervous for my future. I’ve dropped the ball with so many things. Kids school stuff especially … so let’s just add guilt to this already hazy picture.

One of my coping skills has been right at my fingertips. I use the camera in my phone at least 15 times a day. I take pictures of everything so that I remember what happened or what I need to do. My camera roll has over 5000 photos and I go back often when I need a refresher of what happened in the days and weeks before. My notes section is full and I send myself audio recordings. Thank heavens for technology.

But is this my life now?

I have wanted to publish the next few blog posts months ago. I know how to write and I love it. But the details keep fading. I search my brain and all I get is fog and pain. I go to bed with headaches. Sitting here writing this right now the headache has already started.

Obviously I’m going to try and see if I can improve my situation by changing as many things in my environment as possible. My goal is to get rid of gluten and dairy and increase my intake of Omega-3’s and Fatty Acids. Get as much brain food as possible and get rid of the junk. Decrease the stress (yeah, right).

I’m going to try.

Anyway. So that’s whats happening. I’m scared.

A few years ago when my life was hell I would have probably said that this memory loss is a blessing in disguise. But so much has changed and I really do want to remember my life now …

Oh the irony.