Breaking Point

“Show me somebody who’s gone through divorce without feeling deep aching loneliness and I’ll show you somebody who never felt love.”

May 2015

I have dreaded writing this. I think because I feel like it invalidates so many of my blog posts. It feels like failure. I am tired of this cycle. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. The pain is so tangible I can almost reach out and touch it. I can’t breathe. I feel paralyzed by fear and loneliness.

I have to stop the pain. Numb it, destroy it.

In April of 2015 I reached a very difficult breaking point. It was ugly. In order to save my life, I picked up and moved with my 3 and 4 year old girls to Utah. It was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made, but I needed to be surrounded by family. My oldest daughter wanted to finish school in Arizona before she joined us. I left her with Seth for 6 very long weeks. Honestly, I was losing my mind being by myself in Arizona. I was in crisis and not having family around when so many traumatic things were taking place was not healthy. My 3am panicked phone calls to my parents had to stop. I had to find a way out. 

When I got to Utah it was like I could finally breathe again. In Arizona it was just me, Seth and the girls. We were in a never ending cycle of crazy, living in a tiny fishbowl. He and I aren’t great at communication, never have been. We struggle with our differences.

But I had to face reality.

Could I fight for my girls? Was I strong enough to finally let go of my marriage? I fought so hard to make it work. I fought hard to “fix” and make up for my shortcomings. I’ve always felt like the challenges that I faced in my life are destroyers. They destroy dreams. They destroy relationships. And then finally, they destroy people. Because they are a burden it means I am a burden. The challenges are difficult so I am difficult. The shame and responsibility I feel for these failures never ends.

It was time to break down all the ways I had convinced myself I was horrible. To regain my self-worth.

You are not a good mother.

You are a terrible wife.

You are a failure.

Come on, look at everybody else who has it together. Why don’t you? 

Lies.

Goodness. Life is messy. It is not cookie-cutter and Pinterest boards.

Trying is not failing and forgiveness is incredibly powerful. I needed to find a way to be a good mother my way and finally forgive myself. Let my past be exactly that. The past.

I began to do my research on Arizona child custody laws. Getting advice from attorneys and I started taking the proper steps to make that happen. This was a really big moment for me. I started participating in my life again. I had to let my work go. I needed time to organize all of my thoughts and to put my girls first. I tried really hard.

But the loneliness kept creeping in. Enveloping me at night. How long can I stay in bed before someone notices I haven’t showered in 5 days? Please don’t see me. Please let me be invisible for just another day. Maybe things will be better tomorrow. Maybe …