The Light

When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person that walked in. That is what the storm is all about. -Haruki Murakami

I have debated back and forth with myself about how much to tell of this part of my story. I talked to my husband and he said that I needed to tell it. Be honest. This is what created who I am now. So we are going to back track at bit. This is THE story. The story that changed everything. So I’m just going to start writing and see where it takes me and it may take me a few posts to get through it all–

July 21st was a really rough day. But almost every day after I was released from the hospital and was living away from my family was rough. I have been looking through my journal entries for July and I hope that you won’t mind if I share a little from it. That way maybe I can get where I need to go with this story. Because I think you will better understand my state of mind leading up to the 22nd. The day that changed everything.

Journal Entry: 7/11/13 – “I still love Seth very much, but I believe that the only reason we met was so that we could create my beautiful little girls. They are the best of me, the best thing I have ever given the world. They are THE only good thing I have ever done. And in deciding to get divorced I almost feel like a huge weight and burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Can my true life really start? Can I decide to be who I want now? No one will have to know how messed up I was. I don’t have to tell the new people I meet. I finally feel like a have a new greater purpose other then just being the person who screws up everyone and everything. And my girls will be so much better off seeing me a few times a week when I can be at my best for that short time, than every single day a complete and horrible wreck of a mother. I definitely feel sad and I know this sadness won’t ever leave. But I will make myself be the best mother I can be for now, because that is what my girls need and deserve. I may have only a little time with them each week, but I will make the most of it. I know that I have relied on others for far too long for confirmation of who I am and what I am supposed to accomplish here in this life. Today I actually feel a little bit of confidence in myself. Instead of getting feedback from the world or my friends or family, I actually feel a sense of peace in who I really am, deep down inside.”

That journal entry was during my stay at the hospital and was one of the only entries up until after July 22nd that felt positive. That I was moving forward. But the weight built up. I was alone, living with someone I didn’t know. She was kind and compassionate. She helped me try to deal with the loss. But I felt this need to still fix everything. There was no way it could end like this. I became obsessed. I called Seth a million times. He was as cold as ice. He had completely shut down. That was the only way he could deal. I tried over and over to break the walls he had built. He wouldn’t even talk to his own family. He didn’t talk to anyone. Ice Cold. Finally, I hit rock bottom. I lost myself. I felt I would never be good enough to be around my children anymore. Why would they even want me in their life? Seth would barely speak to me. Walking in the home we had lived in for years felt like an out of body experience. I would see my kids, but I was detached. I had to be. I could barely see them without breaking down. I saw my future. Them growing up with me on the periphery of their lives. Why would I even allow myself to be around them with all the chaos I had caused? But here is the thing. And it took a while to understand. This was NOT my fault. I had tried over and over. So many medications, so many awful side effects. So many different therapists. I tried SO hard. I fought to to get better all the time. I would get a few months at a time where things weren’t a fight in my head to control the madness. But it never lasted.

I decided one day, that I had enough. I couldn’t deal with the pain anymore. Everyone would be so much better off without me. I was losing my kids. I had already lost my husband and I couldn’t live with it. Not one more day.

I took my life that day. I won’t tell you how. But I left. Without a doubt. I was texting my Dad and Seth leading up until the moments when I was gone, they are still saved on my phone. They were pleading with me, crying out for me to stay. I couldn’t. I had chosen my path. I knew I couldn’t live without my family. July 22, 2013. The day I died.