It isn’t About Me

So this is continued from a post on Facebook, which I have never done before, but there are too many things I want to say and I need you to be able to read this at your own pace. So here was how my FB post started … and then I will continue on writing from here.

I just had a big life changing Oprah AH-HA moment! Bear with me as I write this. I’m mean really, thank goodness that the Universe likes to keep me in check. I wrote a post on Sunday on Facebook, kind of lashing out at people who I feel won’t try to open themselves up to understand me and my illness. Especially after I have reached out and helped them  through so many life problems because of my unique perspective that my illness has taught me. I had this big feeling come over me that even though I took it very offensively…

It wasn’t about ME.

I absolutely needed to remove myself from the equation.

Then other things started to happen. First, I started writing a new blog post. Then I got a notification from Momastery. Glenn Doyle Melton (who writes Momastery) is my Warrior Guide who says everything I wish I could say, only better.

Somehow through a series of events I ended up on Momastery.com and was watching THIS YouTube video with Glennon that I hadn’t seen before. You should watch it right now so we can all experience this light shining moment together! It is only 5 minutes! Do it!

Welcome back. Did that hit you hard like me? Oh my goodness, it was BEAUTIFUL!! Make you want to hear more from her? Well, it did for me. So then finally, I searched her on YouTube and found a rarely viewed video she did for her sorority this year that is AMAZING.

This is what caused my ah-ha moment.

And maybe it is just me that needed to hear it today, but I think you need to hear it too.

This is something you can listen to without actually watching the screen. Turn it on this morning as you get ready or go through your emails, whatever. Take the time. It is worth it. Listen to every word. Let it fill your soul.

Personally, I learn best by taking notes when I’m listening to important things in life. Then I watch it again. Take more notes. Then repeat. I copied my notes to this post so I could better share this with you and to help articulate my points. Here is the video, and what follows are my notes and interpretations.

The theme of where she was speaking was “Our time to Shine”. So she wanted to know, If we are all the same, then why is it that some people shine so bright they can light up the entire room? What is so different?

She made a list of people that SHINE to her, and the common trait is that they all have Purpose and Peace. Purpose and Peace = Joy. And Joyful women are the women who shine. They have absolutely nothing in common, but they all do the same things each day. Little disciplines in their life that they do that result in Joy.

1. Relentless Eliminators of Poison in their Lives. (Coal Miners and Canary example). They know what the poisons are in their lives and they get rid of them. Period. Eliminate toxic relationships. One of the awesome, best things of being a grown up is you don’t have to have friends you don’t like. You can gently let them go. It is much kinder to let them go gracefully, then to hold them close and hate them. Because that is poison. JUST let them go. Liberate both of you. Sometimes you can’t get rid of every person or habit in your life, but you must make boundaries around them. You can love and find the beauty in almost any human being as long as there are firm boundaries in place. (Steel bars).

2. Women who shine are really really good listeners to themselves. They make it a priority to daily find a time of “quiet”. And they only take orders from the voice they hear in the quiet. When the voices get too crazy, sit down, be still, take a deep breath and listen to whatever guides you. “You are enough, all is well.” Wisdom is always speaking in the same volume to every single person. but people that shine are the ones that are quiet enough to hear it. We think they are making incredible decisions and we think they are so lucky, it is just that they became quiet enough to hear what is being said.

3. Souls not Roles. If we only identify completely in our ROLES it can be extremely dangerous. What happens when our kids leave this home or heaven forbid pass away. What happens when your husband leaves? What happens when you get laid off and are no longer this career person? Then what are you? That it why it is important to understand that you are your SOUL not your role. Find something that you LOVE. That you know you will love when you are 12, 30 or 75 because your soul identifies with it. (Beach, hot tea and reading). You will be able to say, “This is ME! It has nothing to do with the roles in my life, but makes my soul sing.” Bad times, good times all pass, but no matter what, roles come and go, And as long as I know what my soul needs, I will be fine.

4. A belief in Abundance. Scarcity tells us there is ONE pie. And if someone gets a big piece of the pie, then there isn’t enough for all of us. When a person is living in scarcity, they tend to tear others down. Those living in ABUNDANCE lift other women up especially  in public. The good news is that whether you live in scarcity or abundance, we are all jealous of each other. Shiny people feel jealous too. Their discipline though helps them counteract that because they know it isn’t true. They take action to make the feeling go away. They make it a practice to publicly praise whoever it is that is causing it and it slowly helps releases the jealousy. And then amazing things happen because when we lift each other up, we all rise together and connections are made. That is the law of abundance.

True of all the shiny women. Whether insanely famous or struggling to find their way.  None of them know what the hell they are doing. They are all scared to death all the time. They are doing the best they can. Plans don’t work for all of them. They are scared with every new thing that they try. We have this idea that brave, shiny people aren’t scared. And the idea that we have to be better before we get started with what we are put here on this earth to do, is a huge mistake. All we have to do here is ONE – We have to follow our dreams and TWO–  We have to serve our brothers and sisters.

There is no number 3. We don’t have to get better first, we just show up now, completely as we are.

We are all made of exactly the same stuff. The Shiniest people we know just practice these tiny daily disciplines. They relentlessly eliminate negativity and poisons easily and without much angst or thought. They get quiet often and only take orders from that inner voice. The know that they are a soul and they are not their role. They live with the idea of abundance and take every opportunity to lift others up, over and over. And finally they just show up scared.

 

OKAY!! Synopsis done. My ah-ha moment came because I realized that some people know more than me. I DO have a mental illness that at times can be toxic to those sensitive to it. And maybe my friend is just that, a sensitive person. I would much rather she let me go gently, then to hold me close and hate me for making her feel not at peace. After that realization, the rest of the video just sent light bulbs off all over the place. I am slowly starting to digest it all and can’t wait to watch more. I have really missed focusing on my personal growth lately. I have gotten busy with work and the holidays and more work, work, and work.

But what I learned today is that I can’t effectively lead others unless I live and breathe these five amazing disciplines. So again:

Be a Relentless Eliminator of Poison in your life

Take time each day to quietly listen to yourself

Know that your soul is more important than any role

Always believe in Abundance never scarcity.

Show up and do it Scared

So what do you think? You can let me know back on my Facebook page. I posted my favorite Ted Talks from Brene Brown and Glennon in the comments of that post as well. Thanks for taking this journey with me. Hopefully you had a few light bulbs go off as well. Much love!

xoxo – Kristin

 

The Damaged part 2

If you haven’t read PART 1 yet, please read it before this post.

“You can recognize survivors of abuse by their courage. When silence is so very inviting, they step forward and share their truth so others know they aren’t alone.”

Let’s finish this up. Hopefully no one had a heart attack with Part 1. Ummm, I about did, but I am just hoping and praying people understand why I had to write it. Because you won’t understand what comes next and my particular mindset without those pieces of information. This is the longest post I have written on my blog so there will be no pictures, just words.

Aftermath

Where do I begin? I didn’t go to the police. I could barely remember what happened and I felt humiliated and ashamed. I thought I had been safe enough. But I hadn’t. It didn’t even seem real. And deep down inside I knew that it must have somehow ben my fault. It had to have been right? I remember exactly what I was wearing. Jeans and a cute black top. Nothing crazy. He was a predator and I got caught in his trap. I don’t even remember his name. I blocked him out. But the damage was done. I started drinking. I have never done illegal drugs, but I used my prescription drugs as my biggest escape, often accompanied with alcohol. I didn’t deserve to live with the thoughts and images that would run through my mind. So I made my first “official” attempt to take my life. I had no idea what I was doing and it didn’t work. My parents caught it early enough that the ER was able to administer the nastiest black charcoal down my throat to absorb the pills. I was hospitalized for a short time in a nearby hospital’s mental health unit but released within 4 days. And after that I realized I didn’t know much about trying to take my life and a few pills wasn’t going to cut it. There was another attempt in between, I can’t remember, really. They are all blurred together. I know that I did take an entire bottle of my benzodiazepines which resulted in a 4 month memory loss. <– THAT was interesting for sure! I was dating a bunch of guys at the time and I think 3 or 4 of them were named Jared. Very confusing because they came to visit me in the hospital and I had no idea who they were. I become a great actress and pretended like I knew what was happening in my life. I failed miserably.

I was living in an alternate reality. Because I had tried to overdose on all my prescription medications, I couldn’t get access to anything stronger. So for my final attempt that year I just took what was available. Almost an entire bottle of aspirin mixed with alcohol. After that I remember waking up in the ICU. I don’t know how I got there, but I knew that I was mad that I was still alive. My parents weren’t there and I panicked. I started to pull out the IV in my left arm and an orderly came in to try and stop me. It was then I noticed that I couldn’t hear out of my right ear. And that entire right side of my body was numb. I had damaged my liver so bad by using the worst thing ever …. Aspirin. My liver has never been the same, but thankfully my hearing returned and most of the nerve damage is gone. Except for in my left hand where I pulled out my IV.

When the orderly tried to stop me I ended up fighting back, screaming for my parents – and apparently I kicked him pretty hard. Well, it just so happens that they decided to call the police. They determined I was ready to be released to another Mental Health Facility and I got handcuffed and put in the back of the Sherriff’s police car. I was angry. REALLY angry. Mostly that I was still alive. It was a 40 minute drive to the hospital so while I was sitting in the back of the police car I decided it would be fun to get out of the handcuffs and surprise the Sheriff. He had been really mean in the first place. So I got out of the handcuffs after 20 minutes of trying. I still have the scars on my wrists from using the handcuffs to cut through my skin to get out. Once he stopped the police car I opened my door and he freaked out because I took off. But I soon realized that I wasn’t going to get very far so I walked back. He was NOT happy. Anyway. I was admitted to the University of Utah’s Neuropsychiatric Unit. (UNI). Out of all my hospitalizations I have had in the past 13 years this is BY FAR the best Mental Hospital out there. This may sound crazy (me recommending a Psych Hospital), but who knows, right? If you or one of your family members are ever in a position to need the help of that type of hospital and you happen to be in Utah. Take them to UNI. Don’t even mess around with anywhere else. It is a really great facility! I spent quite a long time there. They got me on a medication that actually helped. And by the time I was released I felt changed. The “changed” part didn’t last long. But the medication did. I am currently still on the same medicine they gave me at UNI. It has saved my life.

From then on I only dated the damaged. And that is putting it kindly. They are really the only people that I thought would understand the experiences that I suffered. I would never be put in a situation like that again so I only dated people that I thought needed saving because they were worse off than me. I would be in charge of the relationship and have power and control over everything that happened from then on out. But when two damaged people get in to a relationship, what do you think the outcomes are? I can tell you. Nothing good.

I met Jay* at a movie. I was there with a bunch of girlfriends and they dared me to go sit next to this group of guys 4 rows below us. Well I never backed away from a challenge so I went and sat next to him and struck up a conversation. I would have never guessed that we would date each other on and off for almost two years. I know that one of the reasons I always went back to him after our short break ups was because his family had taken me in. I was treated like a daughter and as a family they were always doing fun and crazy things. But another reason? They took care of each other. No one messed with them. His dad had influence and money, and they collected guns. In fact, Jay always kept one in his car. He told me that no one would hurt me ever again, and if he knew then men who had hurt me, he would kill them. Coming from him it wasn’t an idle threat. And for a time it made me feel safe.

Over time though I would have moments when I would wake up and realize how bad the relationship was. We were both drunk all the time. We were completely co-dependent and we had broken up and gotten back together more than 10 times. Then one day I decided I had finally had enough. We were in a toxic relationship and I couldn’t take it anymore. It had been two years, I was almost 21 and I was ready to move on. So I made it official. I moved into an apartment with a friend and didn’t tell him where. The phone calls from him became non-stop. Every day I would get at least 10 messages crying for me to take him back. Then one day I listened to a message “Kristin, I wont do this. I won’t live without you in my life. It just isn’t worth it. I would rather be dead, so that is what’s going to happen if you don’t come back to me.” Classic manipulation right? But I had obviously cared about him for long enough and didn’t want him to hurt himself. So I met him a couple times that week to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. In my mind, I was clear to make sure he knew that we weren’t getting back together, I just don’t think his mind would accept the fact. And I know he didn’t think it was a possibility that I would ever really be gone. I had always come back to him after our breakups. Why not this time?

I had begun dating other people. I was trying to enjoy my life. And the phone calls finally started to slow down. Then one day his sister called me and I knew it had to be bad. So he and I agreed to meet in my works parking lot. I got in his truck to talk to him. Of anyone, I knew what it felt like to feel suicidal. We drove around for a while talking and during our conversation I got a phone call from one of the people I was dating. He knew that I was meeting Jay, and wanted to make sure I was doing okay. Well, that was the WORST time for the phone call because the conversation between Jay and I wasn’t going well.

As much as I wanted to save him from himself, this time would be different. I wouldn’t allow myself to be pulled back in to our relationship. I answered the phone because we had what I thought was a safety plan in place. I had a quick conversation with the guy. I let him know where I was. Hinted to him that things were getting bad. Then I hung up. And that is when things went from bad to beyond worse.

“Is that him Kristin? Is that the new guy trying to take my place? You know he will never treat you as well as I can right? Why do you even bother? Just come back to me.”

I responded quite but firmly that it was over. We were done. I think in Jay’s mind it finally set in. It was over. I had moved on. But he had told me before. He wouldn’t live without me. I just had never really taken it as seriously as I should. He had never been a physically violent person TO ME. But he was extremely possessive and mentally abusive. I had known that all along.

I asked him to please take me back to my car. I remember the exact road we were driving down. Two lanes on one side, two lanes on the other. Thankfully it was pretty late at night by this time when he decided to cross the center lane putting us directly in line with oncoming traffic. He gunned his truck as fast as it would go. And it could go FAST. He was a mechanic and had upgraded every part possible. He weaved in and out of the traffic while I screamed and begged him to stop. I’m sure by that point we were going about 70-80 miles per hour, maybe more. I don’t know what saved us. Actually, I do, but they are not of this world, but they try and watch out for me the best they can.

At any time he could have driven the truck off the side of the road and we would have flipped. But he just kept gunning the truck and weaving in and out of the cars driving straight for us. I was screaming at him to stop. That I would do anything to make him stop. “THEN stop dating other guys.” Okay. “We are meant to be together” Sure, I know we are. “I know you love me.” Of course I do. It seemed to calm him down and he moved back to to the correct lane. As we got about a mile away back in the direction to my work he let his truck slow down. He puled to where I had parked at work and I kid you not.

Jay, “So what are we doing tomorrow? We are going out right?”. Ummmmmm. WHAT??? NO! Are you kidding me? You just about killed us!! “But you said things would be fine. You said WE would be fine.” Of course I did. I would do anything to make you stop. — Okay, WHY did I say anything? I just should have gone along with it. I saw the rage light back up in his eyes. The truck had stopped so I got out an ran. I couldn’t find the keys to my car, but I was the manage er my office and I did find the keys to my work. I ran to the door and unlocked the deadbolts as fast as I could. As soon as I got in I disabled the security alarm and immediately reset it to arm. Thankfully he stayed in his truck.

Looking back I can realize how naive I really was. I was just 21 years old but at that point it felt like I had a lifetime of experiences. I can look back now and see the slow progression into the very emotional and psychological abusive relationship Jay and I had. Years of abuse, manipulation and control.

He could see me through the floor to ceiling glass windows at my work and I made a phone call from the landline inside. My cell phone was almost dead. Like a scene out of a freaking horror movie. I don’t know how many minutes went by, but I know he saw me make the call and he finally he drove away. I’m sure he thought I had called the police. I hadn’t. The city I worked in was where Jay lived. Most of the police in that neighborhood were his families friends. They had been to his house for big neighborhood BBQ’s. Remember the influence his family had? There was no way I was going to risk it. There were other reasons I had issues trusting the police from years before. Thinking back there are so many stories from the time I was 16-20 that would blow your mind. Maybe I will write those later. Well, you know I will but not yet.

My phone call was actually to the guy friend I was dating. I let him know where I was and that I was locked in at my work. That Jay decided to drive away. I found my car keys. Walked carefully to my car and drove home. I got to my apartment, laid down and shook for hours. And I didn’t hear from him again for over a month.

Can I tell you what is amazing (that actually makes me cry more than the awful things that have happened over that 2 years)? After all that, God sent someone to save me. He came into my life and helped heal my soul. He is my rock. He is what keeps me tethered to this world. God knew what I needed, He always has. And He sent me one of the greatest men that have ever existed on the face of this earth. The day Seth and I met, my SOUL KNEW his soul. I sat next to him and I couldn’t stop the rush of electricity that overtook my body. I could finally breathe. I thank God for him every single day. That is the beauty in all this. I went through Hell to be introduced to Heaven. Which I see in the face of my husband and my little girls. Utter Heaven.

I will tell how Seth and I met in another post because I don’t want it to be part of this one. Needless to say I met Seth and I KNEW. I knew we were meant to be within a matter of hours. He took a little more convincing. But it was decided. We were getting married.

Jay’s story isn’t over. He found out I was getting married and his life crumbled. I got a voicemail from him asking if it was true. And that his life was over if it was. So I made what would be my final phone call to him. He answered and he sounded sick, but calm at the same time. I told him that yes, I was getting married. He took a big sigh and told me that he hoped I would be happy. And I told him that I was. Then I heard a bunch of metal hitting metal. Bullets. I heard the cylinder of his revolver spin and click in to place. Then I heard the trigger being pulled. No shot went off. The gun had misfired. Maybe in his rush to get the bullets in they didn’t go in properly. I didn’t plead with him anymore. I was tired. We had played this game too many times. So I told him I was sorry and I hung up the phone.

And that was that. I never heard from him again. Occasionally I would search the obituaries to see if his name was listed. It never was, so I knew he was around. To this day he still affects my life and decisions. I am scared of him. I am scared for me and for my family. Especially in the first few years of our marriage. I was worried about what he would do to Seth more than me. Seth is this amazing soul and there was no way I was going to let him get pulled in to that world. I have seen Jay on 3 different occasions over the last 10 years. The last time I saw him was in 2010. Eight years after that experience. I had just had my 2nd daughter and we were at the County Far. I was pushing my daughter in her stroller and we came up to a booth and I could hear his voice. It is very distinctive and a voice I will never forget in my lifetime. Apparently he had quit his job as a mechanic and started working the family business. No surprise there. What is crazy is the minute I heard his voice and my eyes saw his face I didn’t hesitate. I left the stroller and I turned around and ran. He didn’t see me, thank goodness and don’t think I’m a bad mom … Let me explain. Seth was right behind me with our oldest daughter and he grabbed the stroller and came over to where I had stopped. Keep in mind. THIS IS EIGHT YEARS LATER! All Seth said to me was “Is it him?” I nodded, and we left. And I had nightmares and didn’t leave my house for weeks.

In all of this I never mentioned that my friend (that I had called after the attempted assault) ended up stalking me for three years and Seth actually had to get involved in that one. Jay’s story is hard enough to tell without Max* being thrown in to the mix as well. I attracted the weirdest people during that time, my goodness. Another day.

Anyway. I feel the safest I have ever felt now. And it is because I live a state away from all the madness. I know I am not going to run in to either of them at the store. I’m not going to see them. The nightmares have almost stopped. Thankfully after I saw Jay at the fair in 2010 Seth got in to Pharmacy School and we moved away. It is the biggest relief ever.

I have looked him up on Facebook twice now. He has never married. But I looked before I wrote this and it looks like he and a girlfriend just had a baby. Good for him. I hope he is happy. And I hope he never thinks about me. An angry Jay is someone no one should ever have to be around. I pray for them.

I hope my family will understand why I feel I can never move back to that part of Utah. I didn’t have a life when I lived there. I stayed inside and let it eat me alive. So let me have my space for now and give me more time to heal.

*Names have been changed for my family’s safety.

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Hospitals and Divorce

People always tell me I’m a bit too honest, and they are right. Hopefully you can appreciate that side of me, because to be perfectly honest, I think we could all use a lot more of it in our lives. Let’s dive back in-

In March of 2013 I was in my 4th hospital stay. My family and I were 13 months in to the hardest time we had ever experienced, which is saying a lot for my life. Both of us were exhausted and we didn’t have much hope that there would ever be answers. Let me clarify something first (and I will do a different blog post about this) I have always been diagnosed with a Mental Illness. I suffered with severe depression and anxiety since I was 15 years old and from that time until now I have tried over 100 medications to help alleviate the symptoms. With a Traumatic Brain Injury, metal illness is very common. After I had my babies, my normal ‘mental illness’ state was magnified 10 times because it was compounded with the hormonal imbalance that caused my severe postpartum depression.

So back to March. I couldn’t take the strain I was causing my family. I could see the most stoic, calm, confident husband start to crumble under the pressure. He was in his 2nd year of Pharmacy School and he was in the middle of one of the hardest quarters of his entire grad school experience. The divorce talks started. I fell apart. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t have been given a more ‘normal’ life experience. And just so you know, normal doesn’t exist. It is such a facade. Please don’t ever compare yourself to someone else’s normal. Constantly comparing yourself to the others in this world will place you in a state of captivity and you are the one who builds the jail. My personal prison was 100 miles thick. But there are ways to break the prison walls down, and hopefully I can teach you how at some point. It takes a lot of practice, patience and compassion – yes, for others – but mostly for yourself.

Anyway, I pulled myself together enough to get released from the hospital. I felt a bit better. I organized a clothing drive because people would come into the hospital with nothing, just the clothes on their backs. They would be given paper clothes to wear and it was completely degrading, especially for the women. Midwestern University and my neighborhood rallied together. I ended up washing at least 20 loads of laundry of donated clothes and taking them to the hospital. Needless to say the hospital workers were shocked, and grateful.

That was a moment of clarity in my endless storm, but it was just masking the underlying symptoms that I tried to keep at bay. I was still depressed. I still had big problems. I had a hysterectomy in December 2012 from complications (will be another post) and we still hadn’t figured out the right hormone balance. Finally, June 27th I cracked. Worse than I ever have in my life. It was my oldest daughters 7th birthday. I couldn’t get out of bed to help celebrate it, all the medication I had been given over the hospitalizations made me lethargic, apathetic, basically I just didn’t have the energy to care anymore. But not being able to care enough to celebrate her birthday ruined me inside. I saw the last 7 years of my life as a complete failure with no hope in sight. I won’t go into detail of what transpired, because that is not what my blog is about. But that is how I ended up in my 5th and final hospital.

Knowing that my future with my husband would be centered around our impending divorce, I decided I had to pull myself together and try to get better for my kids. I knew my marriage couldn’t be saved, but I had to try to find a way to become the mother I had always wished, wanted and prayed that I could be. I told every person at the hospital that I was planning on staying there until I actually felt better. Truly better, no temporary band-aids. I worked hard. I went to all my groups. I tested out more medications. While I was in the hospital my husband came to visit. We had a very civil conversation about how the divorce would go, who would end up with the kids, where we would live, how to divide our assets and debts. It was the calmest conversation we had ever had. We had decided the best thing was for me to not come back home, that I needed to find a temporary place to live while we worked out the divorce details.

I was finally released after almost 4 weeks. I felt better. I felt I had finally planted my feet on solid ground. The medication was helping and I found a place to stay with someone who needed a roommate. But my heart would ache every single day, longing for the love lost after 11 years of marriage. Knowing that what tore us apart was something we both admitted was out of our control. My illness was making everyone miserable, and we had kids to think about. In our days apart thoughts would fill my mind. My future would be filled with scheduling my visits with my kids around my husband and his potential new wife and family. I would never remarry because I would never place the burden of my illness on another person again. I knew that I would have to live with the feelings of loneliness for the rest of my life. Talk about renewed depression!

Then, the day of all days happened. The events of this day I will NEVER forget. July 22, 2013

Life is Messy

My blog will not be in order of events in my life. That is too complicated for me, and that is not how my brain thinks. And I think you need to to hear this story. This is the story is how I got here.

Two years ago I had my very last child. She is amazing and smart just like my other two girls. I have complicated pregnancies. I was actually told by my doctors never to have children. It was too dangerous. I need to take medication from my injuries and I have to completely stop taking everything in order to have a healthy baby. And my body suffers because of it. After she was born I experienced Postpartum Depression, just like I had with my other girls. But this time it was different. I later learned that if you experience postpartum depression with your first child, after each subsequent birth, the depression will last longer. And that held true for me. The first baby, 4 months of it. The second 8 months. And the third, 18 months.

It created a hell like I have never known. My parents made at least 6 trips 12 hours away from their home to help me care for my babies. My neighborhood tried to help out, but they didn’t understand the severity. No one did. But I knew. I knew everything in my body felt wrong and out of place. I saw doctor after doctor, and no one could find an answer to make it stop. Until I met a Naturopathic Doctor. All the doctors before said my hormones were in the ‘normal’ range. But until you have a saliva test on a certain day of the month, you will never truly know what range your hormones are actually in. She prescribed Amour Thyroid medication, and Progesterone. WOW the feeling. The cloud lifted for a time.

But the other medication I had relied on for so many years quit working. This may be uncomfortable for me to talk about, but it is part of my story. During the depression I wanted to die, and I made multiple attempts. I was placed in Psychiatric Hospitals after psychiatric hospitals. I was hospitalized 5 times in 18 months. My longest stay lasting almost a month. No one could help. And FYI, don’t think psychiatric hospitals just contain padded rooms with restraints. They are different, and locked down, but probably very different than you can imagine. Not quite ‘GIRL, INTERRUPTED’, but some came close.

10 days after I was released from my final hospital stay, I was placed in an Intensive Outpatient Program. I was in a Mindfulness class and the therapist said something that would forever change my world. What would finally make me well. Apparently I had been misdiagnosed for all those years. She finally asked, “Kristin, have you ever been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder?” What? Why would she ask me that? I thought it was something like a Split Personality. No way did I have something that severe. Then while in the class I Googled it. Wikipedia is amazing. As I read the symptoms I started counting. I had 33 of the 35 symptoms. Oh my.

When I told my other therapist that I thought I had this ‘borderline personality thing’ she said that she had known for some time, but wanted to get my resources lined up before we talked about it. My goodness it was a light shedding moment and she waited to tell me??? I can’t describe the emotions I felt. Anger, frustration, but relief as well.

I took 5 months of fighting, advocating for myself to get in to a program that not only could treat my disorder, but could send it in to remission. WHAT, remission? Isn’t that something for just cancer patients? But in a way, I learned I had an emotional cancer. The cancer that made me impulsive, prone to inappropriate outbursts, experiencing such highs and lows in life that made it a living hell for people living around me. Specifically my husband. What a patient man. I know without a doubt there is no other person that would have put up with what he did, and he knows it too. He is a strong man. His ability to remain calm throughout my storms is something I will never understand. I wouldn’t have done it. Stayed with the crazy one. But he did, until one day he had enough. And I understand why.

Also, did you know that Amanda Bynes has Schizophrenia among other disorders. Don’t be too quick to judge nowadays. Mental Illness is more prevalent than you think!!