Memories Fading

Something is going on with my brain. I haven’t really talked about it much and only a few people in my inner circle know. I am having long term and short term memory loss again. I know the information is in my mind, but I just can’t access it. And it makes me incredibly nervous.

Let’s talk brain injury for a minute. I fell off a balcony. Got run over by a car. I have damage to my left frontal lobe. My last MRI was 10 years ago and I honestly don’t have the $900 to get another one right now. I’ve been trying to process the implications of this new development.

Is this because of the brain injury or because of the hundreds of drugs I have been prescribed over the last 15 years? In all my attempts to end my life, did I do more damage to my already broken brain? Did I do this to myself?

I am worried so I have been writing a lot. I’m scared of what more I will forget and I try to write every few days. If I have an idea and I don’t make a note within 5-10 minutes the thought is gone and as hard as I try I won’t be able to find it. I’ll be 35 in a few months and I’m nervous for my future. I’ve dropped the ball with so many things. Kids school stuff especially … so let’s just add guilt to this already hazy picture.

One of my coping skills has been right at my fingertips. I use the camera in my phone at least 15 times a day. I take pictures of everything so that I remember what happened or what I need to do. My camera roll has over 5000 photos and I go back often when I need a refresher of what happened in the days and weeks before. My notes section is full and I send myself audio recordings. Thank heavens for technology.

But is this my life now?

I have wanted to publish the next few blog posts months ago. I know how to write and I love it. But the details keep fading. I search my brain and all I get is fog and pain. I go to bed with headaches. Sitting here writing this right now the headache has already started.

Obviously I’m going to try and see if I can improve my situation by changing as many things in my environment as possible. My goal is to get rid of gluten and dairy and increase my intake of Omega-3’s and Fatty Acids. Get as much brain food as possible and get rid of the junk. Decrease the stress (yeah, right).

I’m going to try.

Anyway. So that’s whats happening. I’m scared.

A few years ago when my life was hell I would have probably said that this memory loss is a blessing in disguise. But so much has changed and I really do want to remember my life now …

Oh the irony.

Lets Start Here…

Let me just preface this post by saying how much I love my life right now. That is a very Bold statement coming from me. I haven’t liked much about myself, the way I lived, the way I treated others, for a very long time. But now there are quiet moments in my thoughts, there is peace in my heart. This. Is. HUGE! And you will get to read why.

Let’s just get some of the crazy out there right in the beginning. I like to jump in the deep end lately, or maybe always.

I have been told this story many times, and I hope to get most of the facts straight. If not, I’m sure my mom will set me straight just after she reads this. The reason I was told this story was because I was two years old when it happened. I currently have a little two year old girl, and cannot even imagine the horrific nature of these accidents and how they would affect me as a mother. I know just how hard it is to be a parent and my heart feels so much pain for my mom and what she must have suffered seeing her child placed in these situations.

So, it was summer. I was a very adventurous 2 year old with a penchant for pushing the boundaries. We were at a dance competition for my older sister. We were up on the second floor getting her ready, when I decided to be “adventurous”. The second floor had a balcony where you can see to the floor below. This was the early 1980’s and along the walkway, there were only two bars separating the people up top on the balcony to the floor below. In just seconds, people started screaming out that someone had fallen over the edge, a 15 foot fall onto concrete. So I fell. Landed on my head and fractured my skull. I’m not sure what happened after that. I know in one of these accidents I was life-flighted to Primary Childrens Hospital. That my stay in the hospital was relatively short. And that every doctor and nurse proclaimed it a miracle I was still alive. I’ll hopefully be able to clarify some of the other details, but maybe the details aren’t that important. The aftermath is what is important. I sustained a brain injury. We would find out much later (when I was 18 or so) through an MRI that my left frontal lobe had been damaged. Google ‘left frontal lobe damage’ sometime. Interesting read. It is your executive function. It impairs your attention span, your ability to finish tasks, motivation, judgment, and organizational capacity. “Because of how your emotions are affected, the symptoms experienced from frontal lobe damage may cause you to become impulsive or assume risky behaviors.” Ummm, yes to all of the above!

I wish that were all there was to this story. Girl falls from balcony. Girl has brain damage. Girl deals with it throughout her life. That would be nice. But not even close.

By they way. The Armory where I fell is located on the campus of my Junior High School. I had classes up on the balcony/second floor where I fell. Very weird and ironic. Instead of just two bars of separation. It now contains 8. Wonder why…hmmm Liability issue, you think??