Something is going on with my brain. I haven’t really talked about it much and only a few people in my inner circle know. I am having long term and short term memory loss again. I know the information is in my mind, but I just can’t access it. And it makes me incredibly nervous.
Let’s talk brain injury for a minute. I fell off a balcony. Got run over by a car. I have damage to my left frontal lobe. My last MRI was 10 years ago and I honestly don’t have the $900 to get another one right now. I’ve been trying to process the implications of this new development.
Is this because of the brain injury or because of the hundreds of drugs I have been prescribed over the last 15 years? In all my attempts to end my life, did I do more damage to my already broken brain? Did I do this to myself?
I am worried so I have been writing a lot. I’m scared of what more I will forget and I try to write every few days. If I have an idea and I don’t make a note within 5-10 minutes the thought is gone and as hard as I try I won’t be able to find it. I’ll be 35 in a few months and I’m nervous for my future. I’ve dropped the ball with so many things. Kids school stuff especially … so let’s just add guilt to this already hazy picture.
One of my coping skills has been right at my fingertips. I use the camera in my phone at least 15 times a day. I take pictures of everything so that I remember what happened or what I need to do. My camera roll has over 5000 photos and I go back often when I need a refresher of what happened in the days and weeks before. My notes section is full and I send myself audio recordings. Thank heavens for technology.
But is this my life now?
I have wanted to publish the next few blog posts months ago. I know how to write and I love it. But the details keep fading. I search my brain and all I get is fog and pain. I go to bed with headaches. Sitting here writing this right now the headache has already started.
Obviously I’m going to try and see if I can improve my situation by changing as many things in my environment as possible. My goal is to get rid of gluten and dairy and increase my intake of Omega-3’s and Fatty Acids. Get as much brain food as possible and get rid of the junk. Decrease the stress (yeah, right).
I’m going to try.
Anyway. So that’s whats happening. I’m scared.
A few years ago when my life was hell I would have probably said that this memory loss is a blessing in disguise. But so much has changed and I really do want to remember my life now …
Oh the irony.
Eye Opening Honesty 