I am going to have to work hard if I want to get my blog current. There is just so much great information to cover and I don’t want to leave anything out. And thanks everyone!! I can’t be more excited. My blog is almost to 2000 views!!! It has been seen in 4 countries. This is so amazing and unexpected! I am extremely humbled. I really hope it is helping people.
What happened next is another phenomenal miracle in my life. It is still happening to this very day. I don’t feel the pain, anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts anymore. He took the darkness away. I feel extreme happiness. I guess dying will do that to a person. What a great gift God decided to give me. Because without it, I would not be here. And there is a VERY big reason I am still living. And you will get to see it play out. Maybe one of the reasons I am here is to write these very words. Who knows?
After the 22nd, I have talked about how my life changed. My love for Seth and my family changed. My love for myself changed. But Seth understandably wouldn’t let me in. At all. It hurt. It was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. I had finally found myself, and was becoming the woman I had always wanted to be -that HE wanted me to be- and he didn’t want anything to do with it. With me. And I was pretty convinced that would never change. The divorce was still going forward.
I had a friend who decided she wanted to go on a vacation to Los Angeles and asked me to come along. At the time, even though my joy was bursting out of every cell in my body, it made no difference to Seth. So I took her up on the offer. I told my parents I was going on a vacation and they thought it was a good idea as well. I had been through so much, and a vacation might take my mind off things for a while. I was still living away from home with my roommate and I packed my bags. But I felt sick inside. Regret, darkness, fear. I pushed those feeling aside because Seth and my parents told me that getting away might be good for me. So it had to be, right? It was an impulsive decision. I came to my home to say goodbye to my girls, and something inside me knew. If I left for L.A., I might never come back. Something there would change me forever. That opportunity to spend some time with my girls Seth decided to take them swimming so it didn’t have much time with them to say goodbye. I was angry. He knew I needed to spend some time with them before I left. And the anger grew. It was first time since “The Day” that I felt that much negative emotion. I do regret that day, but I know what I was fighting for I NEEDED this time with my girls. I knew why I was so hurt and mad. If I left I wouldn’t come back, possibly ever. And this was my only chance to hug them, kiss them, hold them for the last time.
After the BIG fight, I got in my car and left. I drove to Mesa where my friend lived, but instead of going to her house, I somehow ended up in the Mesa Temple parking lot. I had never been there before, and I have no idea how I got there. I was just driving and there it was on the right hand side. So I parked, and let the feelings wash over me. My friend was anxious to leave. Her boyfriend had just committed suicide the week before. She was losing custody of her kids. She needed to get away. But every time I thought of leaving, darkness overtook my mind. I could barely think. I sat there for hours. And then I finally made a choice. The choice. I was scared to upset my friend, but I finally called her and told her I couldn’t go. And she was mad, really mad. But it was the right thing to do and I finally felt peace.
My dad called just after I made the decision. I can’t believe how much he and I felt the same things. I mean we were 12 hours away from each other. He didn’t know all the details and drama in my life, other than what I told him on the phone. But he somehow KNEW. He asked where I was. He told me to go back home, that he had been thinking all day and felt sick about me leaving. I told him I was already on my way home. He told me to stay and fight for my family. I told him that I was. He told me to move back home and fight, that it was time to stick it out, stay there no matter what. I told him that I was already setting that plan in motion. It would be hard to love someone who didn’t want to be loved anymore. Who was so hurt he couldn’t even function in his life. But I would love him through his pain. No matter how long it took.
I went home. Obviously there were bad feelings from earlier in the day from our argument. I flat out told him that I was done living apart. I was going to come home whether he wanted me to or not. That I was ready to fight for him, and I wasn’t going to walk away anymore. I was staying for good.
I gathered my things from my roommates house while she was gone to work the next day and I never came back. I know I didn’t get the chance to pack everything that was mine, but I had to get home fast. I could buy new things and nothing was going to get in my way because I was going home. To FIGHT – with love and compassion. With allowing him time to heal. By showing him what I knew I was becoming. I stayed. And I fought. Nothing ever felt as good as that decision I made that day. Peace and relief washed over me again and has never left. But the decision to stay would prove to be difficult. It was a choice I had to make over and over again every single day. It took a long time, but not as long as I thought. One day, he broke down and let me in. Six months to the day after I died. Coincidence? I don’t believe in them…and you shouldn’t either.
Eye Opening Honesty 