The Fire

I have been feeling the need to write a new blog post for quite some time. I have one that I have been working on since September called “Seeing Around the Bend”. I don’t know why it is taking me so long to find the words I need to finish it, but I don’t feel I can publish it until I do. I’m hoping the perspective that I receive as we move into the holiday season will help provide me the correct perspective I need.

So I am going to write about other things for now. I have noticed a big trend lately and I’m not sure if you have as well. I have been on Facebook for 6 years, and in the past year, my Newsfeed has shifted. Yes, my friends have changed over the years, but this is something new. Not a day goes by that I don’t see it. Cancer. Kids, Moms, Dads. We all know someone suffering through it. But I have noticed that I see so much more. And it is becoming very personal. Is it just me?

Cancer is hitting home right now. The world is losing a beautiful and vibrant person. The saying “she lights up a room” was meant for her. Friend, I will be wearing my favorite Steve Madden shoes in honor of you this week and I can promise every time I put them on I will remember. You have been refined, put through the ultimate fire. You fought valiantly and you leave behind a bright legacy that your children will carry on. You did not “lose” your battle to cancer. You survived. You fought. And you let your light shine to every person that you came in contact with no matter how sick you were. I am so grateful that you will find peace in the Savior’s embrace. That you will finally be free of the incredible pain you have been suffering.

“Here then is a great truth. In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong. In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul. It is part of the purging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God. In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine Shepherd.

Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process.

The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless.

When we pluck the roses, we find we often cannot avoid the thorns which spring from the same stem. Out of the refiner’s fire can come a glorious deliverance. It can be a noble and lasting rebirth. The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted.” -James E. Faust

To my readers, Don’t give up. I know you can make it. Keep fighting. And the day you feel you can’t fight anymore, the day that you are pushed to your knees, please let your Savior take your sorrow and pain for you. He is well aquatinted with your grief. He knows you personally. And His love for you is greater than you can ever imagine. Throughout my trials I have experienced how great His love for me truly is. He has held me close. He has wiped away my tears and made me whole.

We are all being refined. Even if you don’t recognize it daily, it is there. You are being molded. Prepared to meet God. I know very personally that without my immense struggles, I would have never known such peace. Such relief and joy. Such power to know that I can conquer any challenge as long as my Savior is by my side. I am forever thankful for the compassion it has given me. I have been given the great blessing to be able to help others see that it is possible to survive the impossible. I’m not sure how I am able to stand today. Falling from a balcony. Being run over by a car. I should be dead 10 times over. But here I stand. Until the day I leave this earth, God will continue to refine me. But I know that I am not doing it alone. You do not have to do it alone either.

Great things are happening in my life right now. I am feeling a closeness in my family that hasn’t existed for a long time. I am finding amazing confidence and self esteem in all that I have been able to accomplish this year. I never imagined my life could be this good – I thought I would always be suffering. But I’m not. I finally have a reprieve. And I am so grateful that I am having a moment to finally breathe.

 

It was Mom

Yes, I know Mother’s Day was Sunday, but I was sick and so I didn’t get a chance to write this post. And maybe it was a really good thing, because as I scrolled through my Facebook News Feed Sunday and I saw all of the posts about how thankful people were for their mothers two very distinct thoughts ran through my mind.

First, was how grateful I was for my own mother. Through all of my struggles, she has struggled right along with me. My trials have always been her trials. My pain, her pain. And I love her so much! Especially for the times when I’m NOT happy. When all I want to do is shout from the rooftops how unfair life is and OH how I shout it! How unfair it is that I have to endure so much. She hears all my complaints, all my sadness and anger and she listens to me through my tears. Only a mom could do what she has done for me.

I love you more than anything Mom! And I see YOUR struggles and YOUR pain and your happiness and joy. And the way my little girls light up both yours and Dad’s faces. That is priceless to me.

But then this other BIG thought came to me. Wow, Kristin. What a horrible mother you are!! Why does anyone deserve to celebrate you being a mother, when you are so inadequate? To be honest, I struggle with motherhood. Like REALLY struggle. I have a hard time being affectionate with my girls. I have a hard time just taking them to the park to play, or going to their school activities. I am a mom with an illness, and I have never felt more restricted by the prison of my mind than when I am trying to be a mom. Because when the anxiety or depression or polarity creeps to the surface, being a mom is the most challenging thing I face. How can I be a mother to these beautiful little people that God has entrusted me with when I can’t even take care of myself? I question it ALL the time. Why on this earth did God make me a mother? Because it was no accident. Oh heavens no.

In early 2006 Seth and I had been married for 4 hard fought years and we didn’t have any kids yet even though we had tried. All the doctors told me to never have children myself. That my body couldn’t handle it. And so Seth and I came to a standstill as a couple. We couldn’t move forward. It was just us and we both wanted so much more. To have a family. There were only two times we lived separate from each other, and the summer of 2005 was the first. We were done. There hadn’t been happy times for a very long time for either of us. So we separated and were headed for divorce. And I remember thinking. THANK goodness we didn’t have any children! That they wouldn’t have to endure the divorce with us. And then for some really strange reason, that neither Seth or I know, we gave it one more shot with each other. Literally. And I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter who will turn 8 next month.

My pregnancy was horrible. I went off all the medication the doctors warned me to NEVER stop. And my body reacted. I threw up 20-30 times a day. Hospitalized 5-6 times. And finally I was given the option of home assistance. So I had a nurse come to my house 3 times a week to stab my dehydrated body to try and find a vein so I could somehow get fluids to my weakened body. 8 hours a day I was hooked up to my IV drip and had to carry my IV pole with me every where I went. Take the dog outside, yep – there is Kristin with her IV Pole. Oh my gosh I can’t even imagine what a sight it was. We ended up moving in with my parents because I couldn’t be alone and sick that much while Seth was gone during the day for 10+ hours. Finally around 26 weeks the sickness ended and I pulled out my IV. OH what a relief!

Then something crazy happened. You know, writing this post has been more emotional than most of my others. Maybe the other posts weren’t as personal as this one. But just thinking of this moment that Seth and I had. I will never forget. It is one of the happiest memories I have of us together. We were laying on the bed just talking. I was SO excited to be free from throwing up and the horrid IV bag and I had become obsessed with eating cheese and crackers. And all of the sudden in the middle of our conversation I started laughing. Full on belly laugh and I just couldn’t stop. Then Seth started laughing. There the two of us were, just laughing together, for who knows what reason. I must have been high on hormones or something. But I remember Seth said to me “I have never seen you this way. This truly happy. And I am so glad you are getting to experience it. I guess we will just have to keep you pregnant for the rest of our lives.”

Anyway. I’m glad I got to tell that story. Because my Heavenly Father knew, He KNEW that Seth and I wouldn’t survive that summer without divine intervention. And a miracle happened that trumped all the failed fertility treatments that we had given up hope on the year before. I had another baby in 2010. I didn’t want to even have another child to be totally honest. Second round of sickness and needle pokes and IV’s and my lovely IV Pole. AND a 4 year old! Insane. And I even had one more. I have 3 beautiful little angelic girls. If you have seen them you know. You can see it in their faces. Because let me tell you, most days I don’t love anything about myself. Absolutely nothing. But somehow they do. I know I fall short. Probably every single day. But they love me through it.

Reading those posts about everyone loving their mother’s, I just have to wonder. My kids are young, and they don’t see the whole reality of what I deal with and why. And my guess is that they will come to resent me for what I can’t do. For the missed opportunities, for the joyful moments lost. For the disappointments at not seeing me at Kindergarten Graduation or Science Fairs. Falling short. For not being able to bake cookies with them because I am scared of the germs. For not wanting them to play outside because dirt makes me uneasy. Restrictions. Thankfully they have a great dad. Who takes them to the park every Friday. Who makes cookies with them. Who plays with them in our backyard. Who is there when they need him. Maybe one day that will be me. I hope so.

I know that I am meant to be a Mother. I just don’t know when I will be able to be the mother that I want to be. Mother’s day is not a good day for me. And I’m sure you have read it in this post. I’ll figure it out one day. That maybe it is okay for me to be ‘this’ type of mother?

Just so this post isn’t a huge bummer. If you haven’t had a chance to watch this video. Please do! It made me happy and sad crying at the same time!

xoxo,

Kristin

 

Loving through Pain

I am going to have to work hard if I want to get my blog current. There is just so much great information to cover and I don’t want to leave anything out. And thanks everyone!! I can’t be more excited. My blog is almost to 2000 views!!! It has been seen in 4 countries. This is so amazing and unexpected! I am extremely humbled. I really hope it is helping people.

What happened next is another phenomenal miracle in my life. It is still happening to this very day. I don’t feel the pain, anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts anymore. He took the darkness away. I feel extreme happiness. I guess dying will do that to a person. What a great gift God decided to give me. Because without it, I would not be here. And there is a VERY big reason I am still living. And you will get to see it play out. Maybe one of the reasons I am here is to write these very words. Who knows?

After the 22nd, I have talked about how my life changed. My love for Seth and my family changed. My love for myself changed. But Seth understandably wouldn’t let me in. At all. It hurt. It was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. I had finally found myself, and was becoming the woman I had always wanted to be -that HE wanted me to be- and he didn’t want anything to do with it. With me. And I was pretty convinced that would never change. The divorce was still going forward.

I had a friend who decided she wanted to go on a vacation to Los Angeles and asked me to come along. At the time, even though my joy was bursting out of every cell in my body, it made no difference to Seth. So I took her up on the offer. I told my parents I was going on a vacation and they thought it was a good idea as well. I had been through so much, and a vacation might take my mind off things for a while. I was still living away from home with my roommate and I packed my bags. But I felt sick inside. Regret, darkness, fear. I pushed those feeling aside because Seth and my parents told me that getting away might be good for me. So it had to be, right? It was an impulsive decision. I came to my home to say goodbye to my girls, and something inside me knew. If I left for L.A., I might never come back. Something there would change me forever. That opportunity to spend some time with my girls Seth decided to take them swimming so it didn’t have much time with them to say goodbye. I was angry. He knew I needed to spend some time with them before I left. And the anger grew. It was first time since “The Day” that I felt that much negative emotion. I do regret that day, but I know what I was fighting for I NEEDED this time with my girls. I knew why I was so hurt and mad. If I left I wouldn’t come back, possibly ever. And this was my only chance to hug them, kiss them, hold them for the last time.

After the BIG fight, I got in my car and left. I drove to Mesa where my friend lived, but instead of going to her house, I somehow ended up in the Mesa Temple parking lot. I had never been there before, and I have no idea how I got there. I was just driving and there it was on the right hand side. So I parked, and let the feelings wash over me. My friend was anxious to leave. Her boyfriend had just committed suicide the week before. She was losing custody of her kids. She needed to get away. But every time I thought of leaving, darkness overtook my mind. I could barely think. I sat there for hours. And then I finally made a choice. The choice. I was scared to upset my friend, but I finally called her and told her I couldn’t go. And she was mad, really mad. But it was the right thing to do and I finally felt peace.

My dad called just after I made the decision. I can’t believe how much he and I felt the same things. I mean we were 12 hours away from each other. He didn’t know all the details and drama in my life, other than what I told him on the phone. But he somehow KNEW. He asked where I was. He told me to go back home, that he had been thinking all day and felt sick about me leaving. I told him I was already on my way home. He told me to stay and fight for my family. I told him that I was. He told me to move back home and fight, that it was time to stick it out, stay there no matter what. I told him that I was already setting that plan in motion. It would be hard to love someone who didn’t want to be loved anymore. Who was so hurt he couldn’t even function in his life. But I would love him through his pain. No matter how long it took.

I went home. Obviously there were bad feelings from earlier in the day from our argument. I flat out told him that I was done living apart. I was going to come home whether he wanted me to or not. That I was ready to fight for him, and I wasn’t going to walk away anymore. I was staying for good.

I gathered my things from my roommates house while she was gone to work the next day and I never came back. I know I didn’t get the chance to pack everything that was mine, but I had to get home fast. I could buy new things and nothing was going to get in my way because  I was going home. To FIGHT  – with love and compassion. With allowing him time to heal. By showing him what I knew I was becoming. I stayed. And I fought. Nothing ever felt as good as that decision I made that day. Peace and relief washed over me again and has never left. But the decision to stay would prove to be difficult. It was a choice I had to make over and over again every single day. It took a long time, but not as long as I thought. One day, he broke down and let me in. Six months to the day after I died. Coincidence? I don’t believe in them…and you shouldn’t either.

Riding in Cars

Just two months later. We were driving in a loaned vehicle while our family car was being worked on in a shop. Again this is early 1980’s, people – no carseats with 5 strap harnesses – (although my mom DID make sure we had carseats) but we were going for such a short drive, that they weren’t transferred to the loaned car. We were taking my sister to dance practice. (What is it with the relationships between dance and my accidents??). We were driving along the main street in our town and I think we were making a left turn. The car we were riding in was a type of roadster with really heavy doors. I’m not sure if it didn’t shut tight enough, or I was being the daredevil I was and played with the handle. Who knows. What I do know is that while we were driving I fell out the passenger side of the door. The car behind us was following really close and didn’t see me fall. She ran over my back and my newly brain injured skull. I have pictures of my back (hopefully I can add them to this post soon). I had bruises up my spine kind of in the shape of her tire tread. Another trip to the Childrens Hospital. They thought I was there because I was having complications from the balcony fall. When they learned this was a new accident, and the nature of it, there was shock, disbelief and I’m sure, a loss of hope.

How can someone recover from that much trauma? Just to be clear I believe in a  Heavenly Father, I believe in Angels, I believe in Miracles. I am a living, breathing one myself. And I 1000% believe that I was being watched over through each of these traumatic events and more to come. What’s interesting is that used to have dreams all the time when I was younger about these accidents. That when I fell from the balcony someone below would catch me every time. My other dream was that as I lay on the cold asphalt of the road, just before I was run over, someone laid across my back and protected me from the weight of the car. I had these dreams often enough that they became reality to me.

After both of these accidents my Dad and other Uncles, Grandpas, and Friends laid their hands upon my head, using their Priesthood Power, and my Dad commanded me to get well. Commanded me to come back. And I did. 20 years later my story is still told. We have run into the doctors and nurses that cared for me and that all shake their heads in disbelief. I am 33 years old on Wednesday. I have survived. My life is not very pretty, and I’ve knocked on deaths door many times since those accidents, but I am still here. Still surviving. Still living.

SO where does this whole “Lash Therapy” thing fit it? Oh, you’ll see. And you probably won’t believe how ‘lashes’ can change the course of ones life.