The Hardest Thing

This post has been sitting here waiting to be published for about 3 months. It is very personal and I’m really having a hard time finding all the correct words. When I first started writing it, there was this glorious feeling inside my heart. I want you to feel that glorious feeling I did, and so it has taken me a long time to put everything together. But most important of all, this post is for me. I like read by blog all the time. Sometimes to find clarity, other times to find and correct mistakes. But this is one of those posts that I need to read when the world comes against me and tries to tear me down.

Okay, lets start and see where this goes.

If you can, imagine yourself before you came to this earth. Imagine all the things you were able to do and learn. The peace, the calm, the love. You developed talents and relationships. Eventually, you matured enough to make important decisions. Like the choice you made to come to this earth to be tested and challenged in every way possible.

I have a really easy ability to connect with my inner soul when I need to. When I become in tune, I feel my inner Spirit and the amazing power that she holds. The body she is in isn’t perfect. It is damaged. But some days she still finds a way to let her inner spark shine.

Okay. Now I really want you to think about this. Because this is what I know:

I am part of God’s army. I am one of His strongest Warriors. So are you – you just might not have realized it yet. My Heavenly Father has sent me to this earth with tools to survive. There are talents we nurtured before we came to this earth. We need to discover every single one and let them grow far and wide. As God’s Warrior we have a divine purpose and he is counting on us to do our part.

Have you connected enough with your inner Spirit to understand your divine purpose? I have. I lose myself a lot. I forget how truly great I am. But I know what I am here to do. I have many skills I have honed in learning to survive and traverse on Satan’s Playground. We are battling in enemy territory and it is a fight and a struggle for us each day. But you know what? I have a knockout punch in my corner AT ALL TIMES. We all do. No where does it say that Satan wins. No where. He is a big old bully but his day will come. And it is coming fast. Do you realize what the world has become? I try and tune it out and just put my head down and work. It is so painful to watch. But there is hope. We see remarkable acts of service and sacrifice. We are able to find moments of joy in a baby’s first laugh or smile. These are the precious gifts our Heavenly Father has given to us to remind us of where we came from. That evil will not win.

Something else I understand and hopefully this concept make sense. Without opposition, there would be no happiness, without change we wouldn’t grow, and if we never grew then what is the point of suffering?

Pain has Purpose.

Without my intense experiences and the pain and sorrow I felt, I wouldn’t know the joy to finally be at peace. And I wouldn’t be able to write these words.

I am a deep thinker. I like to ask the hard questions that have no answers here on this earth. Sometimes I think that my own brain knows that not big enough to comprehend what I want to know. I need to understand everything. I want all the answers now.

My blog is a no judgement zone. Here is what I know.

Seth and I knew each other before we came to this earth. The first time I sat by him chills ran up my spine. I knew I loved him in that instant. I have never felt anything so powerful and overwhelming. Pure joy. My daughters that I have been blessed with on this earth are greater than me in every way. They teach me things I would have never known. They love me unconditionally and my damaged spirit craves their understanding. I honestly imagine that they were some of my closest friends in my life before. Next thought. I chose this life. I agreed to everything I have experienced. I prepared myself with tools and talents to survive the test my Heavenly Father has given me. My failures move me forward not back. When I fail it means I am trying. That I haven’t given up. HE blesses me when I fall. And picks me back up so I can try again.

You might not understand this or think I’m crazy for believe this, but I think in the afterlife we will live again on other worlds with each other. If we are continually striving to learn more, then how else must it be done but through experience. We may not have the opposition of Satan in these places but we still need to grow. We definitely won’t be singing in choirs for eternity. We have so much more to do. We all have greatness inside of us. Beautiful, glorious greatness. How exciting and wonderful is that?

We will go home and be heroes for surviving. These are the last days. We are one of the greatest generations to ever live on this earth. Every generation that comes after us will be greater than the one before. The challenges they face will be harder, but they are ready. They are stronger and more capable. There is an equal and opposite reaction in all things. One of God’s laws. Don’t worry. The greater the world falls into darkness and chaos, the greater the righteous Warriors sent to this Earth will be. Equal and Opposite. The Power God is sending to this earth to battle Satan’s destruction is more amazing than we will ever know.

Do you think what I’m saying has any merit? Personally I’m not worried of peoples opinions. I just want to open your minds to think about greater things than just the challenges of this life. Start being the Greatness that God has given your inner spirit. Find that connection. Be still. Listen. Let the truth wash over you. Discover what you believe. And then share that light with the world.

xoxo,

Kristin

The Fire

I have been feeling the need to write a new blog post for quite some time. I have one that I have been working on since September called “Seeing Around the Bend”. I don’t know why it is taking me so long to find the words I need to finish it, but I don’t feel I can publish it until I do. I’m hoping the perspective that I receive as we move into the holiday season will help provide me the correct perspective I need.

So I am going to write about other things for now. I have noticed a big trend lately and I’m not sure if you have as well. I have been on Facebook for 6 years, and in the past year, my Newsfeed has shifted. Yes, my friends have changed over the years, but this is something new. Not a day goes by that I don’t see it. Cancer. Kids, Moms, Dads. We all know someone suffering through it. But I have noticed that I see so much more. And it is becoming very personal. Is it just me?

Cancer is hitting home right now. The world is losing a beautiful and vibrant person. The saying “she lights up a room” was meant for her. Friend, I will be wearing my favorite Steve Madden shoes in honor of you this week and I can promise every time I put them on I will remember. You have been refined, put through the ultimate fire. You fought valiantly and you leave behind a bright legacy that your children will carry on. You did not “lose” your battle to cancer. You survived. You fought. And you let your light shine to every person that you came in contact with no matter how sick you were. I am so grateful that you will find peace in the Savior’s embrace. That you will finally be free of the incredible pain you have been suffering.

“Here then is a great truth. In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong. In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul. It is part of the purging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God. In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine Shepherd.

Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process.

The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless.

When we pluck the roses, we find we often cannot avoid the thorns which spring from the same stem. Out of the refiner’s fire can come a glorious deliverance. It can be a noble and lasting rebirth. The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted.” -James E. Faust

To my readers, Don’t give up. I know you can make it. Keep fighting. And the day you feel you can’t fight anymore, the day that you are pushed to your knees, please let your Savior take your sorrow and pain for you. He is well aquatinted with your grief. He knows you personally. And His love for you is greater than you can ever imagine. Throughout my trials I have experienced how great His love for me truly is. He has held me close. He has wiped away my tears and made me whole.

We are all being refined. Even if you don’t recognize it daily, it is there. You are being molded. Prepared to meet God. I know very personally that without my immense struggles, I would have never known such peace. Such relief and joy. Such power to know that I can conquer any challenge as long as my Savior is by my side. I am forever thankful for the compassion it has given me. I have been given the great blessing to be able to help others see that it is possible to survive the impossible. I’m not sure how I am able to stand today. Falling from a balcony. Being run over by a car. I should be dead 10 times over. But here I stand. Until the day I leave this earth, God will continue to refine me. But I know that I am not doing it alone. You do not have to do it alone either.

Great things are happening in my life right now. I am feeling a closeness in my family that hasn’t existed for a long time. I am finding amazing confidence and self esteem in all that I have been able to accomplish this year. I never imagined my life could be this good – I thought I would always be suffering. But I’m not. I finally have a reprieve. And I am so grateful that I am having a moment to finally breathe.

 

Going Home

The last few days have been really rough. Just regular life stuff, but really hard nonetheless. Birthdays have never been my thing. I keep thinking that it is not the right time to write this part of the story, but maybe it is the BEST time. Because it will help give me some perspective. To not let the regular life stuff trip me up and question my purpose here.

 

Okay, so now we all know about July 22nd. Where do I begin with the aftermath? I guess for starters you should know that I never should have survived (which seems to be a running theme in all these stories and my life). In my mind the phone ringing and the text messages finally stopped and peace enveloped and embraced me. I absolutely know some things I experienced are never meant to be shared, even with my closest family. Want to know why? Because even though I can see them, there are no words on this planet to describe what I saw. I do however remember the feelings. The first and foremost was a complete sense of calm and peace, of just feeling right with the world. I felt the warmth and welcoming. Complete acceptance, no judgments. Just that feeling that you are finally where you are supposed to be. Home. I felt my Heavenly Father’s embrace. His love. His complete understanding. It fills my heart right now just thinking about it. I wanted those feelings to last forever, anyone who experienced them would. But of course they were fleeting, because the very next thing I knew I felt a very strong hand push me back. Of everything I experienced during that time, it is the clearest of all because it was so jarring. It was definitely a hand that pushed me back, propelling me forward.

I woke up in a cold shower. My roommate had found me and was trying to get me to come back. It has to be like what a baby feels like when it is born. All warm and safe, then suddenly ripped from the quiet and peaceful enclosure to be thrust in to a world of bright lights, loud noises, and unfamiliar surroundings. Things progressed quickly from there.

That day changed me. Wouldn’t you be changed? Since that experience time has changed as well. Days feel like weeks. Weeks feel like months. It has been very confusing at times. Here is an example. I ordered a package that said would take a week to arrive. I wake up in the morning, and I get upset when I check my mailbox. Why hasn’t the package gotten here yet? It is taking forever. Then I look back through my emails. I had just ordered it the day before, actually just the night before. Of course it isn’t here yet. But things like that happen almost every single day. It’s weird to say the least. But I know there is a reason for it. Can you imagine experiencing all the things I have in my life? And you as a reader know only a tiny fraction of them. How long would it take for you to recover from those awful, painful, traumatic events? Months, Years? It took me a week. Because those 7 days felt like 7 months. And every month that has passed since that time has felt like a year. Think I’m crazy? Ask the people I live with. They know.

It was an immediate transformation. I talked to my Dad a lot after that day. My Grandfather had died earlier that year and he was still grieving the loss. We all were. My dad and I needed each other. We would talk every single day after The Event. It was interesting because he would start to say the same things as I felt. “Wow Kristin, you have come so far in just the last few weeks, I can’t even believe how much you have changed!” “But Dad, it has only been two days. It’s the 24th.” “You have got to be kidding me. It feels like a lifetime ago.” And in my mind it was. But that wasn’t the case for everyone in my life.

I have never, ever in my life seen my husband lose himself the way he did on That Day. In fact, I think I have only seen him cry twice in 11 years. He never loses his composure. But he did that day. And in the months following, when I had nothing else to hold on to, when he was a thousand miles away even though we were sitting in the same room. I would remember his words on my voicemail. Him pleading and crying for me to stay. “Please Kristin, do NOT do this, we NEED you!”

But he has no idea how much he truly needs me. He probably still doesn’t. But I do. I’ve seen it.