Losing Body Parts

I covered in the last post the part about feeling really off balance lately. And I know it is the lovely thing in my life called my necessary, but awful radical Hysterectomy. Any time a surgeon takes a scalpel to your body and removes necessary organs it can’t be a good thing. I was fortunate though to have a robot perform my hysterectomy, so I guess I can blame “it” for my troubles. It is called a da Vinci Procedure where the surgeon operates the robot who does all the cutting and laser-ing . Check out these pictures … kinda crazy right?

It is the latest and greatest in technology and if you absolutely MUST have a hysterectomy, the da Vinci is the way to go! Recovery time was less than 10 days compared to up to six weeks for a normal procedure. I had my surgery right before Christmas and so being able to be out of bed and with my family was a huge blessing.

Want to know an absolute miracle? The doctor who I had been seeing for 3 years is one of 5 surgeons in the entire state of Arizona that is certified to perform this procedure. Coincidence? You know I don’t believe in those.

But I have learned some awesomely awful things since the hysterectomy in trying to resolve some of my side effects. Like this: Doctors only replace 3 hormones, estrogen, progesterone, testosterone after a hysterectomy, but your body actually makes 13 different hormones in your reproductive system. Now THAT is a problem!

Weight Gain. I reached out to my fellow hystersisters to try and figure out what in the world was happening to my body in the months after the surgery only to discover that 90% of women who have a hysterectomy have unexplained weight gain. And I’m not talking 10 pounds here. The stories are sad. I read 3 stories just last night from women who are exercise instructors and they can’t stop the weight gain and it is destroying their careers and their self-esteem. I have gained about 20 pounds since my hysterectomy and it is something I struggle with every day. I am so incredibly thankful that I am not in constant pain anymore but it is an unfortunate reality that it has been a trade off.

But it is a New Year. Time for a new direction. I have to figure out a New way to deal with it because it is reality. Nothing sugar coated here.

But now you need to see the positive side of the hysterectomy. The part that saved my marriage. I mentioned before that I never thought I would have kids because the doctors specifically told me to never have children. But I am blessed with 3 beautiful, talented, amazing girls. I also talked about the toll getting pregnant, and the aftermath has on my body and mind. The IV pole story, and of course the severe long lasting postpartum depression. Seth put up with it like a hero for the most part. He was more patient than anyone could have expected. So were my parents. But it was ugly. I felt distant from the new little miracle in my life. It was painful and I felt like a complete failure.

Before the hysterectomy there was always the possibility that an unplanned pregnancy might occur. And it was a scary thought for both Seth and I. But the idea of a hysterectomy never came to mind until the unexplainable pain began. When they actually removed my uterus (by cutting it into a million pieces) they determined that it was quite normal. And there was really no explanation for the pain other than it was slightly tilted. But I have never had one regret about the surgery. I lifted a burden that I didn’t know I was carrying. The heaviness was gone. I feel my family is complete for now and I feel at peace. Seth agrees. Weird as it may seem I don’t think we could have reconciled the way we did if having more kids was on the table. It removed a huge barrier in front of us and I am extremely grateful. My Heavenly Father knows exactly what he is doing. And I am smart and resourceful enough to find a way to balance my body and lose the weight. I believe that anything is possible with enough faith, followed by action.

The next blog post you get to read a crazy story about my Warrior Spirit. It was one I wrote after an intense dream I had and I’m excited to share. It was profound for me and hopefully it will be for you as well.

****And by the way that picture of my girls sums up their personalities EXACTLY! They are amazing and imperfect like all of us in the most beautiful way possible!

It was Mom

Yes, I know Mother’s Day was Sunday, but I was sick and so I didn’t get a chance to write this post. And maybe it was a really good thing, because as I scrolled through my Facebook News Feed Sunday and I saw all of the posts about how thankful people were for their mothers two very distinct thoughts ran through my mind.

First, was how grateful I was for my own mother. Through all of my struggles, she has struggled right along with me. My trials have always been her trials. My pain, her pain. And I love her so much! Especially for the times when I’m NOT happy. When all I want to do is shout from the rooftops how unfair life is and OH how I shout it! How unfair it is that I have to endure so much. She hears all my complaints, all my sadness and anger and she listens to me through my tears. Only a mom could do what she has done for me.

I love you more than anything Mom! And I see YOUR struggles and YOUR pain and your happiness and joy. And the way my little girls light up both yours and Dad’s faces. That is priceless to me.

But then this other BIG thought came to me. Wow, Kristin. What a horrible mother you are!! Why does anyone deserve to celebrate you being a mother, when you are so inadequate? To be honest, I struggle with motherhood. Like REALLY struggle. I have a hard time being affectionate with my girls. I have a hard time just taking them to the park to play, or going to their school activities. I am a mom with an illness, and I have never felt more restricted by the prison of my mind than when I am trying to be a mom. Because when the anxiety or depression or polarity creeps to the surface, being a mom is the most challenging thing I face. How can I be a mother to these beautiful little people that God has entrusted me with when I can’t even take care of myself? I question it ALL the time. Why on this earth did God make me a mother? Because it was no accident. Oh heavens no.

In early 2006 Seth and I had been married for 4 hard fought years and we didn’t have any kids yet even though we had tried. All the doctors told me to never have children myself. That my body couldn’t handle it. And so Seth and I came to a standstill as a couple. We couldn’t move forward. It was just us and we both wanted so much more. To have a family. There were only two times we lived separate from each other, and the summer of 2005 was the first. We were done. There hadn’t been happy times for a very long time for either of us. So we separated and were headed for divorce. And I remember thinking. THANK goodness we didn’t have any children! That they wouldn’t have to endure the divorce with us. And then for some really strange reason, that neither Seth or I know, we gave it one more shot with each other. Literally. And I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter who will turn 8 next month.

My pregnancy was horrible. I went off all the medication the doctors warned me to NEVER stop. And my body reacted. I threw up 20-30 times a day. Hospitalized 5-6 times. And finally I was given the option of home assistance. So I had a nurse come to my house 3 times a week to stab my dehydrated body to try and find a vein so I could somehow get fluids to my weakened body. 8 hours a day I was hooked up to my IV drip and had to carry my IV pole with me every where I went. Take the dog outside, yep – there is Kristin with her IV Pole. Oh my gosh I can’t even imagine what a sight it was. We ended up moving in with my parents because I couldn’t be alone and sick that much while Seth was gone during the day for 10+ hours. Finally around 26 weeks the sickness ended and I pulled out my IV. OH what a relief!

Then something crazy happened. You know, writing this post has been more emotional than most of my others. Maybe the other posts weren’t as personal as this one. But just thinking of this moment that Seth and I had. I will never forget. It is one of the happiest memories I have of us together. We were laying on the bed just talking. I was SO excited to be free from throwing up and the horrid IV bag and I had become obsessed with eating cheese and crackers. And all of the sudden in the middle of our conversation I started laughing. Full on belly laugh and I just couldn’t stop. Then Seth started laughing. There the two of us were, just laughing together, for who knows what reason. I must have been high on hormones or something. But I remember Seth said to me “I have never seen you this way. This truly happy. And I am so glad you are getting to experience it. I guess we will just have to keep you pregnant for the rest of our lives.”

Anyway. I’m glad I got to tell that story. Because my Heavenly Father knew, He KNEW that Seth and I wouldn’t survive that summer without divine intervention. And a miracle happened that trumped all the failed fertility treatments that we had given up hope on the year before. I had another baby in 2010. I didn’t want to even have another child to be totally honest. Second round of sickness and needle pokes and IV’s and my lovely IV Pole. AND a 4 year old! Insane. And I even had one more. I have 3 beautiful little angelic girls. If you have seen them you know. You can see it in their faces. Because let me tell you, most days I don’t love anything about myself. Absolutely nothing. But somehow they do. I know I fall short. Probably every single day. But they love me through it.

Reading those posts about everyone loving their mother’s, I just have to wonder. My kids are young, and they don’t see the whole reality of what I deal with and why. And my guess is that they will come to resent me for what I can’t do. For the missed opportunities, for the joyful moments lost. For the disappointments at not seeing me at Kindergarten Graduation or Science Fairs. Falling short. For not being able to bake cookies with them because I am scared of the germs. For not wanting them to play outside because dirt makes me uneasy. Restrictions. Thankfully they have a great dad. Who takes them to the park every Friday. Who makes cookies with them. Who plays with them in our backyard. Who is there when they need him. Maybe one day that will be me. I hope so.

I know that I am meant to be a Mother. I just don’t know when I will be able to be the mother that I want to be. Mother’s day is not a good day for me. And I’m sure you have read it in this post. I’ll figure it out one day. That maybe it is okay for me to be ‘this’ type of mother?

Just so this post isn’t a huge bummer. If you haven’t had a chance to watch this video. Please do! It made me happy and sad crying at the same time!

xoxo,

Kristin