Why I Left Younique

** Everything written here is based upon my own personal experiences. All opinions are my own.**

What is done in the dark always finds its way to the light.

If you have never been in direct sales you may not understand this post. That’s okay. Just come back next week to read how Seth and I met. It is such a fun story.

Back to business. I started writing this post a few weeks ago with a specific intention. I wanted to document my first experience in the world of Direct Sales. What I loved, what I didn’t. What I wish I would have done better and the positive changes I can make going forward. I had decided to leave Younique months ago. LimeLight just happened to come along at the perfect time with better products at better prices. I actually vowed to never join another direct sales company after my experiences with Younique, but I couldn’t pass up the incredible opportunity to work closely with one of my best friends again. She was the one who inspired me to start writing this blog. She is my soul sister, my partner in crime. I feel very blessed to learn and grow in the LimeLight community with her. I am also incredibly grateful to get the opportunity to make a fresh start.

Please know I never had any intention to write THIS. I really thought I would let it go and try to move on….

But then I started to see friends around me that left Younique bullied and harassed. I saw grown women tear each other apart. I saw top leaders making hateful videos in their training groups vilifying other women who were just trying to make a positive change for themselves and their families. Lies started being spread to undermine their credibility. Can you even imagine that all of this chaos stemmed from a decision to leave a cosmetics company that no longer provided a positive experience? I’m pretty sure it is an okay thing to do. Things change for people all of the time and you have to learn to adapt.

Watching all the hatefulness was a wakeup call. The shame, lies, misunderstandings. Then the coverups. I have seen some of the most ugly things this last month on social media. I don’t know in any other profession where this type of bullying would be tolerated. And yet in the Younique community that I experienced it is pervasive. I honestly can’t wrap my mind around it. It is heartbreaking for me that people are scared. Scared to leave a direct sales company!! Does that even make sense? I have people scared of the backlash and of being bullied. The messages I get from women in this exact position make my heart hurt. But the sad fact is they aren’t wrong. Those of us that have been with the company for years and were high in the ranks or have a big following ARE experiencing those exact things. I personally know of 10 people right now who have quit, but are scared to tell anyone because of their rank within Younique.

Much of the shame game they played for those of us that left the company was that only ‘losers’ quit. They made Periscope videos about it. And this all came from some of the top leaders at the company. They began to engage in passive aggressive bullying in their posts on Facebook. It was painful to watch.

Younique did provide me with an outlet for a while. It gave me confidence. It made me happy. I moved up in the ranks really fast to the second highest status in the company. And then things changed. People changed. Products changed. Which meant I had to make a change. I no longer felt like I could stand behind the company or its products with honesty and integrity.

 “If you are physically able to work from your phone then there are no excuses. Even if you are in a crazy accident and lost all your fingers, you can still figure out how to voice chat. I’m tired of people telling me that, ‘Oh, I’m in the middle of a big move. Oh, I just had a baby. Oh, my dad just died. Oh, my marriage is ending.’ Those are personal. You can take a few days off. But separate your personal from your business. If you don’t work your business you are hurting your family and others. No excuses.”

This was a statement made by one of the top leaders in the company a month ago. I personally believe in leadership not dictatorship. If that is what it takes to be successful then I guess I don’t want success. I don’t ‘Bleed Purple’. My family comes first. My faith comes first. And I would never ask anyone to “bleed” for a company.

Do I regret joining Younique? No. Do I wish I had handled some of the challenges better? Of course. The company exploded overnight and it was really hard to keep up with the hyper growth. We had minimal training. In fact we had to build our own. But without Younique I would not have gained the skills necessary to move on and be successful in so many different areas of my life.

Younique’s Mission:

Uplift. Empower. Validate.

People crave validation so I understand why it would be part of the mission statement. But it is something that I never experienced there. I was ignored and dismissed by my leaders, by Corporate. When I had concerns I was told to just “be positive.” If you ever had a question or concern you could not ask it in the team groups without it getting deleted. I understand not letting negativity breed more negativity. But concerns need to be addressed and dealt with. Not shoved under the rug never to be discussed again.

The positive in all this is that through these struggles I have been Empowered to find my voice and speak my truths whether good or bad. I have learned what it means to feel truly Uplifted. And I understand the value of Validation in all areas of my life.

So many of you will have no idea what I am even talking about. Your experience with Younique will be no where near what mine and others was. That is okay! I am truly grateful that is the case for you.

In fact when I first joined Younique, I was over the moon excited! I was going through some really difficult and intense things at home and it was the perfect way to feel part of something bigger and it gave me chance to join a community of remarkable women.

I gained friends who (for the most part) loved and supported me. The 3D Fiber Mascara was AH-mazing! The skincare line of Awake Face Wash and Brilliant Moisturizer was flying off the shelves because they worked so well. These were three phenomenal products that I could sell in my sleep! It truly was the best.

***AT THE TIME***

First, they decided to get rid of Awake and Brilliant and replace them with other products. They added fragrance and other ingredients that would never be considered “naturally based” which for me is a big problem because I am sensitive to everything. We were never made aware that it was such a drastic change.

But let’s talk for a minute about the “Magic Mascara”.

The 3D Fiber Lash Mascara is what put Younique on the map. It is their flagship product and their #1 best seller. This summer the company decided to change the formula of our famous mascara by inventing an entirely new product that they called 3D+. They made it this “epic” announcement that said they had been working on this formula for 18 months and truly felt they had perfected it.

So I got my set of 3D+ and I had already heard mixed reviews. I figured it couldn’t be that bad though right? Well, wrong. It was horrible. And don’t assume I didn’t try to make it work. I went through 7 different sets of 3D+ all from different batches with the same result. It made my eyelashes hard and brittle and my eyes would get extremely irritated. I have VERY sensitive eyes which I why I gravitated toward Younique in the first place. They always advertised how natural the products were. I could actually wear mascara for the first time in 2 years with the regular 3D.

Yet Corporate ignored our complaints. Top leaders told us to keep quiet and stay positive. And then months later made excuses and said they were going to “work on” the formula. I personally am still getting complaints to this day. Anyway… Start doing your own research. The information is out there. They reformulated almost all of the products. Check the past ingredients against the current ones. And even after almost 6 months and “fixes” to the 3D+ I still cannot get it to work.

My mom has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader throughout my Younique career. She loves the products and so I had her try the 3D+ and she had the same experience as me. She also went through 4 different sets and had to fight with Customer Support through email to get new ones sent out to see if she could get better results. There was never an improvement and she went back to using drugstore mascara.

Some may or may not have noticed around August that I completely stopped working my business. I felt I could not ethically sell this product to my customers and friends and still sleep at night. But most importantly, I didn’t want anyone to join my Younique team under false pretenses about this “amazing” mascara and products, so I stopped offering this opportunity to anyone. I even discouraged it.

Since you are reading this I want you to be aware of something. There is risk in speaking out. Women that have left Younique have been threatened with lawsuits by the owners of the company so I have been careful with what I write. Literally everything I have written here can be backed up with screenshots or videos. I’m not naive. I currently have 2200 screenshots saved and cataloged documenting the events over the last two years. But especially over this past month with all the disturbing things that happened.

There are so many more truths I could share. I wish I could tell you everything. For those that have experiences similar to mine, you know what I shared is just the tip of the iceberg. I think you all would be really curious to know what happens after you leave the Younique world. Especially how you are treated by Corporate and those people still within in the Younique bubble. Those stories will come to light eventually. Truths don’t remain buried for long. I honestly hope everything gets worked out and somehow the culture at Younique will change. I have many amazing friends that I still love and support there. Please know I will always be here to cheer you on no matter where life takes us.

 

Wishing you Love and Light,

xoxo – Kristin

If you haven’t read my other blog posts that I wrote the past few years you should start. Don’t make judgments about me without taking a moment to understand the full story. I have laid my soul to bare on these pages without one regret. I cover sexual abuse and rape, traumatic brain injury. mental illness, divorce, struggling with motherhood. And who can forget … falling off a balcony and a few months later being run over by a car. This is my very first post talking about Younique so obviously I found it important enough to share next to those other difficult topics.

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Bullying and the Mob Mentality

First I want to welcome all my new blog readers! This is a very personal blog and I write with complete honesty about situations I have experienced. It is the only way that I can survive. And thank you so much for all the kind messages I have received the last few days!

So, in going back through my blog I have 4-5 drafts, but I haven’t published a post since January. No wonder my life has felt so off-balance lately. My blog has become a place of healing and growth. I have missed it and the clarity it provides.

There has been so much change recently that I need to backtrack and get my blog caught up to the present. This is probably a really great thing because it will help me take a big deep breath and gain some perspective on the things that are currently happening. Maybe going back to other experiences will help me not write things I may regret. Perspective is never a bad thing. But, yes, that blog post halfway done and it will be published. 

So join me and let’s dig back in the chaos and fill in the gaps. My last post was in January, so I am going to start there. Want to know something crazy? The only way that I can remember and differentiate parts on my life is through the pictures in my phone. It is my official memory jogger. My brain has an amazing way of protecting itself from painful events, but pictures always tell the story.

Right at the end of January I experienced something incredibly painful. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to deal with this once I became an adult.

Cyber Bullying

It was really ugly. I hadn’t felt that vulnerable and scared in a long time. For those that have read previous posts, you know that I have a history with years of bullying and abuse when I was young. I was really shocked that at the age of 34 I would be dragged in to that madness again. I try hard to insulate myself from outside influences, but you can’t control everything or the way people feel. The interesting thing is that these were women much older than me, threatening me with pictures of guns and violence. Seriously? They threatened to come to my home and physically harm me. They knew where I lived. It was absolutely insane and incredibly scary. Honestly, my brain still has a hard time comprehending the entire experience.

Why do people think that putting these horrible things online for the world to see is okay? Do they think that somehow the pain and hurt they are causing is not as cruel if they are doing it in texts, posts or comments on Facebook? Maybe it doesn’t feel as real to them.

I’m going to add a few of the images to my blog that “they” posted on Facebook, only because I want you to see what the face of bullying looks like online. Sorry about the language. I may remove these later depending on how I feel about it tomorrow. And of course, these don’t contain the entire post or the 50+ comments. It got ugly fast.

EDIT: So one of the people I am writing about in this blog post apparently still stalks me. How unfortunate that she wastes her time on something so negative. She has a complaint against me via WordPress that I am in the process of appealing. That is why one of the graphics is not viewable.

The really interesting thing was the reaction from the people who knew about the situation and why it started. When I showed them what was happening, there wasn’t even a “Wow. That is really messed up.” Their reaction made me feel like I deserved the abuse. In my mind I must be horrible if people are talking about me the way they were, right? I don’t know if that feeling makes sense to you unless you have experienced this type of harassment first hand. I felt an overwhelming sense of shame.

The Mob Mentality

Now that we have covered a little of what happened earlier this year, I want to talk about the Mob Mentality. Because when they posted these pictures, friends of theirs who had NO information whatsoever on the actual situation started chiming in. Of course right?Because hatred is contagious when they “perceive” an injustice. First off, bullying and the mob mentality is a dangerous combination. It can quickly spiral out of control because it fuels the bully’s ego and makes them more confident now that their hatred has been validated by their peers. Social media has become the biggest bully pulpit in the world. Could they say those exact same words in person? Or is it only because they have the comfort of a screen and hundreds of miles between us?

In my blog post called “Growing Pains” I talked about my experiences as a teen with bullying. What I didn’t talk about was what happened years later when I talked with a guy who joined in with THE crowd. He laughed along with the others and here is his reason why. He told me that he didn’t want to become the focus of their hate, so he felt like he had to go along with it. No, he didn’t like what was happening to me, but he didn’t think his voice alone was strong enough to stop it.

I understand the fear of being left behind or placed in the bully’s crosshairs. It’s absolutely human nature for us to want to go along in order to be included in the group. There is safety in numbers and it’s never fun to be unpopular. I know that first hand. I was bullied, harassed and generally made to feel like I existed just for a certain group of classmates’ amusement. It has made me a paranoid person who still feels anxiety in certain social situations. In writing this post I have decided that I actually have an issue with the term “bullying.” It projects an image of teasing and/or whispering behind each other’s backs. In fact, bullying is more physical violence, sexual humiliation and deeply personal attacks.

I want to be part of a group that is loving, hard working, accepting and won’t tolerate hate in any form. Call it naive, but that is my hope for the future of our human race. Revenge is not the answer. It only adds fuel to the fire. I’m talking about extinguishing the fire by teaching others how to be brave enough to stand up to a bully, and not go along with a crowd when it means giving up your humanity in order to be included. Who wants to carry that type of burden and guilt?

I will be talking a lot in my upcoming blog posts about the Power of Validation. I have only learned about this recently and it has been a game changer in my relationships. If you are ever in a situation where you don’t know what to say to someone who is struggling or in pain, then find a way to validate their feelings. I will give really great examples in a different post. But one of the best, is

“Wow. I can’t even begin to imagine how hurt you must be feeling right now. That must be incredibly painful to have them post those horrible things about you to the public.”

Part of validation is restating what they told you by using simple and precise language so they know you were listening. Do NOT ask if they are okay. Do NOT ask how you can help. Just validate their experience whether you understand it or not. It might sound simple, but it is truly powerful and can quickly deescalate a situation. People want to know they have been heard. That is why you don’t tell them that you know how they feel, because it minimizes their feelings. It takes practice. If you want to know more about validation, click here.

Fun Fact: Validation is one of the core skills of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. (The greatest form of therapy on the planet!)

xoxo,

Kristin

It isn’t About Me

So this is continued from a post on Facebook, which I have never done before, but there are too many things I want to say and I need you to be able to read this at your own pace. So here was how my FB post started … and then I will continue on writing from here.

I just had a big life changing Oprah AH-HA moment! Bear with me as I write this. I’m mean really, thank goodness that the Universe likes to keep me in check. I wrote a post on Sunday on Facebook, kind of lashing out at people who I feel won’t try to open themselves up to understand me and my illness. Especially after I have reached out and helped them  through so many life problems because of my unique perspective that my illness has taught me. I had this big feeling come over me that even though I took it very offensively…

It wasn’t about ME.

I absolutely needed to remove myself from the equation.

Then other things started to happen. First, I started writing a new blog post. Then I got a notification from Momastery. Glenn Doyle Melton (who writes Momastery) is my Warrior Guide who says everything I wish I could say, only better.

Somehow through a series of events I ended up on Momastery.com and was watching THIS YouTube video with Glennon that I hadn’t seen before. You should watch it right now so we can all experience this light shining moment together! It is only 5 minutes! Do it!

Welcome back. Did that hit you hard like me? Oh my goodness, it was BEAUTIFUL!! Make you want to hear more from her? Well, it did for me. So then finally, I searched her on YouTube and found a rarely viewed video she did for her sorority this year that is AMAZING.

This is what caused my ah-ha moment.

And maybe it is just me that needed to hear it today, but I think you need to hear it too.

This is something you can listen to without actually watching the screen. Turn it on this morning as you get ready or go through your emails, whatever. Take the time. It is worth it. Listen to every word. Let it fill your soul.

Personally, I learn best by taking notes when I’m listening to important things in life. Then I watch it again. Take more notes. Then repeat. I copied my notes to this post so I could better share this with you and to help articulate my points. Here is the video, and what follows are my notes and interpretations.

The theme of where she was speaking was “Our time to Shine”. So she wanted to know, If we are all the same, then why is it that some people shine so bright they can light up the entire room? What is so different?

She made a list of people that SHINE to her, and the common trait is that they all have Purpose and Peace. Purpose and Peace = Joy. And Joyful women are the women who shine. They have absolutely nothing in common, but they all do the same things each day. Little disciplines in their life that they do that result in Joy.

1. Relentless Eliminators of Poison in their Lives. (Coal Miners and Canary example). They know what the poisons are in their lives and they get rid of them. Period. Eliminate toxic relationships. One of the awesome, best things of being a grown up is you don’t have to have friends you don’t like. You can gently let them go. It is much kinder to let them go gracefully, then to hold them close and hate them. Because that is poison. JUST let them go. Liberate both of you. Sometimes you can’t get rid of every person or habit in your life, but you must make boundaries around them. You can love and find the beauty in almost any human being as long as there are firm boundaries in place. (Steel bars).

2. Women who shine are really really good listeners to themselves. They make it a priority to daily find a time of “quiet”. And they only take orders from the voice they hear in the quiet. When the voices get too crazy, sit down, be still, take a deep breath and listen to whatever guides you. “You are enough, all is well.” Wisdom is always speaking in the same volume to every single person. but people that shine are the ones that are quiet enough to hear it. We think they are making incredible decisions and we think they are so lucky, it is just that they became quiet enough to hear what is being said.

3. Souls not Roles. If we only identify completely in our ROLES it can be extremely dangerous. What happens when our kids leave this home or heaven forbid pass away. What happens when your husband leaves? What happens when you get laid off and are no longer this career person? Then what are you? That it why it is important to understand that you are your SOUL not your role. Find something that you LOVE. That you know you will love when you are 12, 30 or 75 because your soul identifies with it. (Beach, hot tea and reading). You will be able to say, “This is ME! It has nothing to do with the roles in my life, but makes my soul sing.” Bad times, good times all pass, but no matter what, roles come and go, And as long as I know what my soul needs, I will be fine.

4. A belief in Abundance. Scarcity tells us there is ONE pie. And if someone gets a big piece of the pie, then there isn’t enough for all of us. When a person is living in scarcity, they tend to tear others down. Those living in ABUNDANCE lift other women up especially  in public. The good news is that whether you live in scarcity or abundance, we are all jealous of each other. Shiny people feel jealous too. Their discipline though helps them counteract that because they know it isn’t true. They take action to make the feeling go away. They make it a practice to publicly praise whoever it is that is causing it and it slowly helps releases the jealousy. And then amazing things happen because when we lift each other up, we all rise together and connections are made. That is the law of abundance.

True of all the shiny women. Whether insanely famous or struggling to find their way.  None of them know what the hell they are doing. They are all scared to death all the time. They are doing the best they can. Plans don’t work for all of them. They are scared with every new thing that they try. We have this idea that brave, shiny people aren’t scared. And the idea that we have to be better before we get started with what we are put here on this earth to do, is a huge mistake. All we have to do here is ONE – We have to follow our dreams and TWO–  We have to serve our brothers and sisters.

There is no number 3. We don’t have to get better first, we just show up now, completely as we are.

We are all made of exactly the same stuff. The Shiniest people we know just practice these tiny daily disciplines. They relentlessly eliminate negativity and poisons easily and without much angst or thought. They get quiet often and only take orders from that inner voice. The know that they are a soul and they are not their role. They live with the idea of abundance and take every opportunity to lift others up, over and over. And finally they just show up scared.

 

OKAY!! Synopsis done. My ah-ha moment came because I realized that some people know more than me. I DO have a mental illness that at times can be toxic to those sensitive to it. And maybe my friend is just that, a sensitive person. I would much rather she let me go gently, then to hold me close and hate me for making her feel not at peace. After that realization, the rest of the video just sent light bulbs off all over the place. I am slowly starting to digest it all and can’t wait to watch more. I have really missed focusing on my personal growth lately. I have gotten busy with work and the holidays and more work, work, and work.

But what I learned today is that I can’t effectively lead others unless I live and breathe these five amazing disciplines. So again:

Be a Relentless Eliminator of Poison in your life

Take time each day to quietly listen to yourself

Know that your soul is more important than any role

Always believe in Abundance never scarcity.

Show up and do it Scared

So what do you think? You can let me know back on my Facebook page. I posted my favorite Ted Talks from Brene Brown and Glennon in the comments of that post as well. Thanks for taking this journey with me. Hopefully you had a few light bulbs go off as well. Much love!

xoxo – Kristin

 

Look Up

I love being a part of the LDS faith, and I am so grateful that they are covering these previously “taboo” topics that have always existed (but were never openly discussed) with sensitivity and kindness. This is a great message for all of us, including me, to keep our heads up. Be watchful. Be aware. You never know who might be feeling this way, and for what reason.

For me, I have always fallen in the category of feeling like I was too much of a burden for those that have had to care for me when I was sick. It is a horrible, gut wrenching feeling to try and live with. I never in my life thought I would be able to get better or that things would improve. I have stated it before … hopelessness was my constant companion. Yet here I am. Things are far from perfect, but I have more clarity than I could have ever asked. And because I walk such a dark path, I understand these particular demons very well. In being so honest about my story I have had such a great privilege to have heard so many others’ stories as well. I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am that others have trusted me with their “hard stuff”, the stuff they never tell. Because it needs to be told. It is all around us whether we want to recognize it or not.

These past few months have been particularly hard. I haven’t really felt like writing anything — too worn down I guess. Social media can be great, but I have noticed that it can actually be a really lonely and isolating place. Someone “updates their status” and so you feel like you know what is going on in their life, and you don’t make the phone call you normally would to check in. For those that know me well, you know that I am super old school and love to talk on the phone. I actually hate texting and and prefer the phone as my method of contact. Mostly, because I never feel like people can understand and interpret my words correctly. In person or on the phone you can’t mistake my laughter and sarcasm or my sadness and frustration. Sarcasm can be especially tricky when you try and put it in written words. I mean, really, how many times can a person write LOL?? And which one of you is really laughing out loud? I would totally like to know! haha lol 😉

Anyway, I’m going to make the post quick and I just want to encourage you all to go “Old School”. Call someone up that you haven’t talked to in a while and see how they are doing. It may take an hour or so out of your day, but for the other person on the line, you can bet it is an hour well spent. And you all know I am here if you need someone to talk to as well.

Something that has really helped me lately is the fact that I have finally stopped asking for perfection in my life, and have started to notice the moments of peace instead. Even if it is just two minutes a day, those are two amazing minutes I have been blessed with. So for everyone that reads this, I wish you peace. It may not be something that you easily find, so go on a treasure hunt and discover the things that bring it into your life.

I love you all! xoxo

Kristin

It was Mom

Yes, I know Mother’s Day was Sunday, but I was sick and so I didn’t get a chance to write this post. And maybe it was a really good thing, because as I scrolled through my Facebook News Feed Sunday and I saw all of the posts about how thankful people were for their mothers two very distinct thoughts ran through my mind.

First, was how grateful I was for my own mother. Through all of my struggles, she has struggled right along with me. My trials have always been her trials. My pain, her pain. And I love her so much! Especially for the times when I’m NOT happy. When all I want to do is shout from the rooftops how unfair life is and OH how I shout it! How unfair it is that I have to endure so much. She hears all my complaints, all my sadness and anger and she listens to me through my tears. Only a mom could do what she has done for me.

I love you more than anything Mom! And I see YOUR struggles and YOUR pain and your happiness and joy. And the way my little girls light up both yours and Dad’s faces. That is priceless to me.

But then this other BIG thought came to me. Wow, Kristin. What a horrible mother you are!! Why does anyone deserve to celebrate you being a mother, when you are so inadequate? To be honest, I struggle with motherhood. Like REALLY struggle. I have a hard time being affectionate with my girls. I have a hard time just taking them to the park to play, or going to their school activities. I am a mom with an illness, and I have never felt more restricted by the prison of my mind than when I am trying to be a mom. Because when the anxiety or depression or polarity creeps to the surface, being a mom is the most challenging thing I face. How can I be a mother to these beautiful little people that God has entrusted me with when I can’t even take care of myself? I question it ALL the time. Why on this earth did God make me a mother? Because it was no accident. Oh heavens no.

In early 2006 Seth and I had been married for 4 hard fought years and we didn’t have any kids yet even though we had tried. All the doctors told me to never have children myself. That my body couldn’t handle it. And so Seth and I came to a standstill as a couple. We couldn’t move forward. It was just us and we both wanted so much more. To have a family. There were only two times we lived separate from each other, and the summer of 2005 was the first. We were done. There hadn’t been happy times for a very long time for either of us. So we separated and were headed for divorce. And I remember thinking. THANK goodness we didn’t have any children! That they wouldn’t have to endure the divorce with us. And then for some really strange reason, that neither Seth or I know, we gave it one more shot with each other. Literally. And I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter who will turn 8 next month.

My pregnancy was horrible. I went off all the medication the doctors warned me to NEVER stop. And my body reacted. I threw up 20-30 times a day. Hospitalized 5-6 times. And finally I was given the option of home assistance. So I had a nurse come to my house 3 times a week to stab my dehydrated body to try and find a vein so I could somehow get fluids to my weakened body. 8 hours a day I was hooked up to my IV drip and had to carry my IV pole with me every where I went. Take the dog outside, yep – there is Kristin with her IV Pole. Oh my gosh I can’t even imagine what a sight it was. We ended up moving in with my parents because I couldn’t be alone and sick that much while Seth was gone during the day for 10+ hours. Finally around 26 weeks the sickness ended and I pulled out my IV. OH what a relief!

Then something crazy happened. You know, writing this post has been more emotional than most of my others. Maybe the other posts weren’t as personal as this one. But just thinking of this moment that Seth and I had. I will never forget. It is one of the happiest memories I have of us together. We were laying on the bed just talking. I was SO excited to be free from throwing up and the horrid IV bag and I had become obsessed with eating cheese and crackers. And all of the sudden in the middle of our conversation I started laughing. Full on belly laugh and I just couldn’t stop. Then Seth started laughing. There the two of us were, just laughing together, for who knows what reason. I must have been high on hormones or something. But I remember Seth said to me “I have never seen you this way. This truly happy. And I am so glad you are getting to experience it. I guess we will just have to keep you pregnant for the rest of our lives.”

Anyway. I’m glad I got to tell that story. Because my Heavenly Father knew, He KNEW that Seth and I wouldn’t survive that summer without divine intervention. And a miracle happened that trumped all the failed fertility treatments that we had given up hope on the year before. I had another baby in 2010. I didn’t want to even have another child to be totally honest. Second round of sickness and needle pokes and IV’s and my lovely IV Pole. AND a 4 year old! Insane. And I even had one more. I have 3 beautiful little angelic girls. If you have seen them you know. You can see it in their faces. Because let me tell you, most days I don’t love anything about myself. Absolutely nothing. But somehow they do. I know I fall short. Probably every single day. But they love me through it.

Reading those posts about everyone loving their mother’s, I just have to wonder. My kids are young, and they don’t see the whole reality of what I deal with and why. And my guess is that they will come to resent me for what I can’t do. For the missed opportunities, for the joyful moments lost. For the disappointments at not seeing me at Kindergarten Graduation or Science Fairs. Falling short. For not being able to bake cookies with them because I am scared of the germs. For not wanting them to play outside because dirt makes me uneasy. Restrictions. Thankfully they have a great dad. Who takes them to the park every Friday. Who makes cookies with them. Who plays with them in our backyard. Who is there when they need him. Maybe one day that will be me. I hope so.

I know that I am meant to be a Mother. I just don’t know when I will be able to be the mother that I want to be. Mother’s day is not a good day for me. And I’m sure you have read it in this post. I’ll figure it out one day. That maybe it is okay for me to be ‘this’ type of mother?

Just so this post isn’t a huge bummer. If you haven’t had a chance to watch this video. Please do! It made me happy and sad crying at the same time!

xoxo,

Kristin