Surviving Suicide

Please note: This was originally written at the end of April 2015. The subject matter can be difficult to read. Trigger warning. 

“You weren’t meant to do this alone. If you’re constantly putting on a front that you have it all together, other people will start to believe that you really do have it all together. So, I challenge you to be honest with trusted friends and family. Share your struggles with them and let them help carry your burdens and encourage you. Because the truth is: you were never meant to do this alone.”

APRIL 21, 2015

Recently I was criticized for being so honest and baring my soul on these pages. It hurt. I believe that in order to write the things I do, it takes courage. It requires me to be vulnerable and it is far from easy. It helps me heal and I will never apologize for being honest. If you don’t want to know about me and my life then just don’t read it. Heavens. 

Anyway, I really didn’t expect to sit down and write this tonight. I wasn’t sure if I was ready. But then I read this article about Natalie’s Story and I decided that I needed to get this out there while it was at the forefront of my mind and while I felt brave enough to tell this part of my story.

So we all know I suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you don’t know what that is, please click on the link to read about it. You never know, it just might change your life. I hear from people all the time that never knew this disorder existed until they read my story and all the sudden their life, or a life of a family member finally makes sense.

This week I have been feeling a wide range of emotions. I feel inadequate, worthless and unworthy. My mind tells me I am the worst mother and my kids would be better off without me. You know, I honestly thought my marriage had changed. I thought we were finally moving forward. But really it was just the calm before the storm. The hurricane was still brewing.

His love was a lie. How could I be so blind? I feel betrayed and hopeless.

I knew. I knew that the changes I made weren’t enough and they never would be. Why couldn’t I just be good enough for once? Is that really to hard to ask? Seriously. Everyone around me could be normal, why not me? Why couldn’t I just give my husband the life he wanted?

Last week I sat on this overpass at 2am for hours. Just staring down and thinking what it would feel like to jump. I have sat on many overpasses in my life. Willing myself the courage to take the leap. I took this picture while I was sitting there. I was mesmerized by the cars lights. I always wonder where the people are going. Are they going home? What type of life do they live? What struggles do they face? Are they happy? Is anyone happy?

I have attempted suicide many times. There are many blog posts dedicated to them. Especially the one that changed my life in 2013. But I have learned from my failed attempt experiences. I knew there were two options to ensure that all this pain would finally end. I didn’t have access to the first option thankfully. But on April 15th, I drove to Home Depot. Purchased what I needed. Cut the rope. Tied the noose. And then I found the perfect spot, the perfect tree. And I sat there two nights in a row going over the details. Very few people will know what it feels like to have a rope pulled tight against their throat. I do.

Please understand. It isn’t that I’m so depressed that I feel I have no purpose in life. It is that I feel everything. It is exhausting. I feel every emotion. I feel the pain. The dark of the world invades my soul. I internalize it all to the point it manifests as excruciating physical pain. 

Honestly, I miss my husband. But maybe even more I miss the relationship, closeness and intimacy that is shared by two people who love each other. We have been through so much … how do you recover from it? What happens when one persons love is greater than the other?

This post is not supposed to be depressing, shocking or negative in any way. I am following the timeline of how I got to where I currently am. It has always been my policy to never omit my experiences no matter how difficult. You think I want to admit that my life went down this path again? That I failed again? I’m taking the chance and being vulnerable for any to read. Maybe the radical honesty can finally break some barriers and stigma. And guess what? Spoiler alert: I survived.

UPDATE:

“You’re exactly where you are supposed to be right now, you are exactly who you are supposed to be… Your journey led you here for a reason, and it’s not required for you to know exactly where it goes from here. Just listen to your heart and take one inspired step at a time.
Trust yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself… And most importantly, LOVE yourself, because YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT, just the way you are.”

After those dark days in the car and beside the tree I made a radical decision. I was done.  I left. It brought me here. I’m placing the final edits on this post on 11/11/15. A lot of time has passed. Things have dramatically changed. I feel at peace and I am so incredibly grateful.

I have amazing parents. Can you imagine getting a call from your daughter at 3am detailing the plan to take her life while she is 1000 miles away? The plan to take the pills then hang the rope? It is impossible to imagine the pain they must have felt. The helplessness. Thank you Mom and Dad. I may be an adult but I can’t do this on my own. Pure unconditional love and acceptance from you saved my life.

Anyway. I finally decided to trust myself. It got me here and I am building something beautiful.

NOTE: Do you know what would be really amazing? If we stopped saying someone “Committed Suicide”. Criminals commit crime. Suicide is not a crime. It only contributes to horrible stigma associated with suicide. Saying ‘committed’ implies blame. Let’s decide to stop that right now.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

xoxo,

Kristin

Bullying and the Mob Mentality

First I want to welcome all my new blog readers! This is a very personal blog and I write with complete honesty about situations I have experienced. It is the only way that I can survive. And thank you so much for all the kind messages I have received the last few days!

So, in going back through my blog I have 4-5 drafts, but I haven’t published a post since January. No wonder my life has felt so off-balance lately. My blog has become a place of healing and growth. I have missed it and the clarity it provides.

There has been so much change recently that I need to backtrack and get my blog caught up to the present. This is probably a really great thing because it will help me take a big deep breath and gain some perspective on the things that are currently happening. Maybe going back to other experiences will help me not write things I may regret. Perspective is never a bad thing. But, yes, that blog post halfway done and it will be published. 

So join me and let’s dig back in the chaos and fill in the gaps. My last post was in January, so I am going to start there. Want to know something crazy? The only way that I can remember and differentiate parts on my life is through the pictures in my phone. It is my official memory jogger. My brain has an amazing way of protecting itself from painful events, but pictures always tell the story.

Right at the end of January I experienced something incredibly painful. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to deal with this once I became an adult.

Cyber Bullying

It was really ugly. I hadn’t felt that vulnerable and scared in a long time. For those that have read previous posts, you know that I have a history with years of bullying and abuse when I was young. I was really shocked that at the age of 34 I would be dragged in to that madness again. I try hard to insulate myself from outside influences, but you can’t control everything or the way people feel. The interesting thing is that these were women much older than me, threatening me with pictures of guns and violence. Seriously? They threatened to come to my home and physically harm me. They knew where I lived. It was absolutely insane and incredibly scary. Honestly, my brain still has a hard time comprehending the entire experience.

Why do people think that putting these horrible things online for the world to see is okay? Do they think that somehow the pain and hurt they are causing is not as cruel if they are doing it in texts, posts or comments on Facebook? Maybe it doesn’t feel as real to them.

I’m going to add a few of the images to my blog that “they” posted on Facebook, only because I want you to see what the face of bullying looks like online. Sorry about the language. I may remove these later depending on how I feel about it tomorrow. And of course, these don’t contain the entire post or the 50+ comments. It got ugly fast.

EDIT: So one of the people I am writing about in this blog post apparently still stalks me. How unfortunate that she wastes her time on something so negative. She has a complaint against me via WordPress that I am in the process of appealing. That is why one of the graphics is not viewable.

The really interesting thing was the reaction from the people who knew about the situation and why it started. When I showed them what was happening, there wasn’t even a “Wow. That is really messed up.” Their reaction made me feel like I deserved the abuse. In my mind I must be horrible if people are talking about me the way they were, right? I don’t know if that feeling makes sense to you unless you have experienced this type of harassment first hand. I felt an overwhelming sense of shame.

The Mob Mentality

Now that we have covered a little of what happened earlier this year, I want to talk about the Mob Mentality. Because when they posted these pictures, friends of theirs who had NO information whatsoever on the actual situation started chiming in. Of course right?Because hatred is contagious when they “perceive” an injustice. First off, bullying and the mob mentality is a dangerous combination. It can quickly spiral out of control because it fuels the bully’s ego and makes them more confident now that their hatred has been validated by their peers. Social media has become the biggest bully pulpit in the world. Could they say those exact same words in person? Or is it only because they have the comfort of a screen and hundreds of miles between us?

In my blog post called “Growing Pains” I talked about my experiences as a teen with bullying. What I didn’t talk about was what happened years later when I talked with a guy who joined in with THE crowd. He laughed along with the others and here is his reason why. He told me that he didn’t want to become the focus of their hate, so he felt like he had to go along with it. No, he didn’t like what was happening to me, but he didn’t think his voice alone was strong enough to stop it.

I understand the fear of being left behind or placed in the bully’s crosshairs. It’s absolutely human nature for us to want to go along in order to be included in the group. There is safety in numbers and it’s never fun to be unpopular. I know that first hand. I was bullied, harassed and generally made to feel like I existed just for a certain group of classmates’ amusement. It has made me a paranoid person who still feels anxiety in certain social situations. In writing this post I have decided that I actually have an issue with the term “bullying.” It projects an image of teasing and/or whispering behind each other’s backs. In fact, bullying is more physical violence, sexual humiliation and deeply personal attacks.

I want to be part of a group that is loving, hard working, accepting and won’t tolerate hate in any form. Call it naive, but that is my hope for the future of our human race. Revenge is not the answer. It only adds fuel to the fire. I’m talking about extinguishing the fire by teaching others how to be brave enough to stand up to a bully, and not go along with a crowd when it means giving up your humanity in order to be included. Who wants to carry that type of burden and guilt?

I will be talking a lot in my upcoming blog posts about the Power of Validation. I have only learned about this recently and it has been a game changer in my relationships. If you are ever in a situation where you don’t know what to say to someone who is struggling or in pain, then find a way to validate their feelings. I will give really great examples in a different post. But one of the best, is

“Wow. I can’t even begin to imagine how hurt you must be feeling right now. That must be incredibly painful to have them post those horrible things about you to the public.”

Part of validation is restating what they told you by using simple and precise language so they know you were listening. Do NOT ask if they are okay. Do NOT ask how you can help. Just validate their experience whether you understand it or not. It might sound simple, but it is truly powerful and can quickly deescalate a situation. People want to know they have been heard. That is why you don’t tell them that you know how they feel, because it minimizes their feelings. It takes practice. If you want to know more about validation, click here.

Fun Fact: Validation is one of the core skills of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. (The greatest form of therapy on the planet!)

xoxo,

Kristin